In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
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Post by sagefirefox on Apr 13, 2009 13:07:19 GMT -4
Welcome to the RP Academy, Dankai, my name is Sage and I'll be your Instructor for here. Here is how this will work:
I would like for you to post to this thread as if posting a new RP thread with your character. I will then see what it is that you can improve on and point them out to you, as well as replying as one of my own characters.
Please understand that this is, by no means, a way to say that your skills are lacking, or that you have been singled out; it is merely a means to assist your growth as a writer and a roleplayer. We all have things to learn from each other; just as I have things I would like to teach you, I'm sure that there's also things that I can learn from you~
The rules are as as follows:
•Respect the site rules. Which means no powerplaying/godmodding other people's characters. I and others don't really care for that type of behavior D:
• Listen to advice. I cannot teach one who will not learn.
• Feel free to disagree If you have issue with something I said, please feel free to point it out. This is a group effort. That said, should you do so, provide reasoning and your alternative views in a calm, rational, and non-confrontational manner, I will treat you with respect, and expect the same treatment in return.
• Have fun. This is a game; furthermore, this is out of plot (unless you later choose to add this into continuity) roleplay. Anything that does not conflict with the rules goes; and that said, we have a little more leeway here. Namely, the location, situation, and anything else are up in the air. If you want to try out something, feel free to do so.
Dankai awoke dazed and confuzed in a warm damp place, that had a spongy feel to it. Dan got up holding his head and worked his way over to ,what he thought, was a wall. He put his hand on it and took it off immediately with a large glob of saliva on it. Disgusting!! What is this stuff? He shook if off his hand and wiped it down on his jeans, with a look of complete disgust in his face. He stood there for a minute all he good here was the noise of moving liquids and himself deeply breathing. He knew now where he was, he was in Monstro. How did i get in here, What caused me to enter this strange place, Am I alone? A small amount of fear shot out of him as he quickly unsheathed "The HookBlade" and turned around like there was something there to fight, even though he knew there wasn't. When he finished turning around, Dan was put into a state of shock when he saw someone standing there right in front of him.
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 13, 2009 15:24:41 GMT -4
((Anything I have put in green is me letting you know what you need to fix, anything out of green is my post.))
Alright, several things.
Dan got up holding his head and worked his way over to ,what he thought, was a wall. He put his hand on it and took it off immediately with a large glob of saliva on it.
That sentence there needs some work to it. Instead of saying "Dan got up holding his head and worked his way over to, what he thought, was a wall." say, "Dan got up and began to hold his head in his hands as it began to hurt. He wasn't quite sure where he was going, but he thought it was a wall of some sorts." It makes your sentence a lot more descriptive, and it's not a run-on sentence. Also, the correct sentence--if you were counting on grammar--would be, "Dan got up holding his head and worked his was over to what he thought was a wall." Make sense?
Instead of pressing enter before you type, "Disgusting!! What is this stuff?", just use it as a new sentence. Now, this sentence is another one that needs work, He stood there for a minute all he good here was the noise of moving liquids and himself deeply breathing. He knew now where he was, he was in Monstro. I believe you meant to say, "He stood there for a minute all he could hear was the noise of moving liquids and himself deeply breathing." However, you should be saying, "He stood there for a minute and listened to see what he could hear. If he was very silent, he could hear moving liquids and what sounded like someone else breathing heavily besides him." If you're in the belly of a whale, you're sure to hear the animal breathing.
Another thing I'd like to point out it how he knew it was Monstro. He's dazed and in the belly of something, one doesn't just wake up and say, "I know! I'm in this whale that I've never heard of before and its name is Monstro." Don't try to say that he knew about Monstro either, this is not something that just anyone hears about, so I just suggest that you try not to do that next time.
How did i get in here, What caused me to enter this strange place, Am I alone?
*Clears throat* Alright, correct sentence would be, "How did I get here? What caused me to enter this strange place? Am I alone?" and even then it's like you're talking in first person. You might just want to say, "As he stood there, Dankai began to wonder, 'How did I get here?' he thought, 'What caused me to enter this strange place? Am I alone?'."
Last one before I post. A small amount of fear shot out of him as he quickly unsheathed "The HookBlade" and turned around like there was something there to fight, even though he knew there wasn't. His weapon doesn't need to have the quotation marks with it, just say "A small amount of fear shot out of him as he quickly unsheathed his weapon, the Hookblade." Calling it his weapon ninety percent of the time is what you should do. Only once-in-a-while should you ever call it by its name. It causes confusion with some people and by just saying, "his weapon" is good, but what would be better is to describe his weapon.
Now, saying, "... and turned around like there was something there to fight, even though he knew there wasn't" is a little confusing. It's similar to saying, "Demyx wanted the cookie, but didn't" Okay... so does Demyx want the cookie or doesn't he? Did Dankai think there was something to fight, or didn't he? Clarifying things enhances your post and gives people a good image in their heads so that while they read, they also see what is happening in your post.
Edmund was on the verge of death. He was messing with the wrong Heartless at the wrong time and realized that even though his dagger had mysteriously turned into a claymore that he might just die here. As another Shadow lept at him like it had done a couple months ago back in his world of Knishusha, he prepared for the worst. Darkness wrapped around him as a portal opened up beneath him and transported him to someplace safe. By the time he arrive in the belly of a whale named Monstro, however, Edmund was out cold. It took a few minutes for him to downgrade and a couple more to wake up.
He woke up when Dan spun around and stood up holding his Claymore--the only reminder that he had of him going into Advancement mode. As he stood up, he could feel the boys eyes on him and Edmund flashed the boy a bright smile. "Hello there!" He began a slow walk over to Dankai and held out his hand, not even bothering to ask where they were, since he could just barely make out the outline of the boy, he couldn't even see where they were.
Apr 13, 2009 15:24:41 GMT -4
Last Edit: Apr 13, 2009 17:07:34 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
(So do you want me to fix that stuff now, or fix it as we go along.)
Dan lowered his weapon, swallowing as sweat trickled slowly down his face. He didn't remember that man being there before but finally he got the courage to raise his unsteady hand to shake this mans hand. "H-hello." He forced out of him, still uncertain what he was doing, shaking the hand of a man he's never met ,but the man seemed of good spirits ,and may be willing to work with Dan to escape from this place. "W-who are you? H-how did you end up here?" Every word had to be forced out, Dan wasn't used to talking to people he'd never met in places like this.
Apr 13, 2009 15:43:12 GMT -4
Last Edit: Apr 13, 2009 15:44:20 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 13, 2009 17:06:28 GMT -4
You're not going to fix your mistakes at all. They're there for you to look back on and realize what you did wrong, and for me to look at and evaluate on how much you've improved.
Dan lowered his weapon, swallowing as sweat trickled slowly down his face. He didn't remember that man being there before but finally he got the courage to raise his unsteady hand to shake this mans hand. That sentence is very good. You're making good time. "H-hello." He forced out of him, still uncertain what he was doing, shaking the hand of a man he's never met ,but the man seemed of good spirits ,and may be willing to work with Dan to escape from this place. This sentence is not.
One, two, three, four... what am I counting? I'm counting the number of commas in that sentence. Waaay too much. Just break it up and add description like this, ""H-hello," he forced out of him, still uncertain of just what he was doing. Why was he shaking the hand of a stranger that he had just met? Still, this mad seemed to be in good spirits and he may be willing to work with Dan to escape from this strange, smelly place." Out of your one sentence, I just made three. Doing this technique will help you with making your post longer so you're not making that popular four-sentence post.
Making longer posters helps the person that's posting next with posting ideas. If you just post a small paragraph, then the whole topic is going to die. If you want, I suggest reading some of the more active people's posts. Here is a good thread that you can read to get an idea of descriptiveness and a bit of length. In the meantime, things to work on: Grammar, Length, Painting a Picture. Enjoy.
Edmund was slightly worried that he had offended this new person or frightened them. He lifted his claymore and slid it into the sheath that was now hanging on his back and let his hand drop concernedly. It sounded like the kid was more frightened than anything as he tried his best to force every word out of his mouth. The Nobody really couldn't tell the age difference between them and was trying to figure who was older as he answered the boy's questions.
"Oh, sorry for not introducing myself!" Edmund chuckled out and proceeded to answer the question, "My name's Edmund and... I don't know how I came here..." The portal that Edmund had gone through was no longer of Edmund's memory, just the feeling that he was about to die. If he weren't as gentleman-like as he was, Edmund might have asked this boy the same questions, but since he was, he figured that it was best to just let the boy introduce himself.
Dan could feel a burning in his eyes , quickly shut them and wiped the sweat of his face. It felt like waving your hand through a waterfall of cold salty body waste. Shaking his hand he quickly recovered with "M-my name is Dankai Osuman, it is very nice to meet you." Dan bowed after his introduction, then quickly raised himself. "I also don't know how i got here. I just woke up and this is where i found myself." Dan told Edmund, forcing a smile the first in his time here. Dan was scared and doing a terrible job of hiding such but he still tried to make himself look tough.
"So Mr. Edmund, do u suggest anyway of getting out of here?" He asked, all he wanted was to get even if it seemed rude he'd hope it would be mended in time. "The only thing i can think to do is work together." He said to Edmund feeling more comfortable in the situation with a man that seems so kind.
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 13, 2009 19:53:06 GMT -4
Alright, you're merely reading my post with Edmund and then replying. You're not really taking any of this in. 'i' and 'u' are not the proper spellings, 'I' and 'you' are. Now, I'm going to do something a little different here, like I usually do. I will give you your sentence in italics, and the correct sentence below it. If I don't not see any change in your next post, I will reject your character's profile. You are here to learn and improve, not to RP.
Dan could feel a burning in his eyes , quickly shut them and wiped the sweat of his face.
Dan could feel a burning in his eyes and quickly shut them and wiped the sweat off his face.
What you learn from this:
-All commas are placed directly after the word, never after a space -Off not of. They are two completely different words -Microsoft Word is a great program to help with this
It felt like waving your hand through a waterfall of cold salty body waste.
It felt like waving your hand through a waterfall of cold, salty, body waste.
What you learn from this:
-Sometimes, adding commas can be good -There is such a thing as too much description -I doubt he knows what body waste feels like so compare it to something else we can all relate to
"So Mr. Edmund, do u suggest anyway of getting out of here?" He asked, all he wanted was to get even if it seemed rude he'd hope it would be mended in time.
"So Mr. Edmund, do you suggest any way of getting out of here?" he asked. All he wanted was to get out even if he sounded rude trying to do so, but he hoped his rocky friendship would be mended in time.
Things you can learn from this:
-If you are saying, he asked or she asked after your character says something, it's never capitalized and it never starts a sentence -Read over your sentences after you make them, if they don't make sense to you, then they won't make sense to the other person -Any and way should not be paired together unless you're saying, "So anyways..."
I need you to take this and learn from it. If you don't, realize that you are losing your character and it will not be accepted. This is the final warning[/u]! Please learn from this![/color]
So he wanted to work together to get out of here. But why? Edmund didn't realize why this place was so bad, except for the fact that it smelled and made his eyes water. "Getting out of here?" he asked with another one of his trademark smiles, "I see no reason why we have to get out of here."
He looked around and wished for once that he had a candle or a serflie--a type of animal back home that lit up in the dark--with him right now so he could see where he was. But Edmund figured that it couldn't be that bad. After all, he was here with another person and it didn't seem like anything was going to jump out or attack them. For the time being, he'd just have to put up with not knowing where he was.
Dan gave Edmund a look of surprise, "Not want to get out of here," he thought,"thats crazy, but all men are different i guess." Dan looked down, to see small amounts of liquid scattered around. He knelt down and took of his favorite champagne bottle shaped necklace. He took out the cap to reveal a dropper, and quickly put it into his necklace sealing it back up. He got to his feet to explain "I put all the water from every world i go to in this, now its more of a habit."
Even with this new feeling of comfort the sweat was still falling on his face and he continuously wiped it from his face. He took off his headband which by now was drenched with his sweat and rang it out. After Dan finally asked"You wouldn't happen to have a towel of some kind would you?" He let out a smile hoping to get some kind of towel. He was sick and tired of this sweat and wanted it gone.
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 13, 2009 22:59:12 GMT -4
Tons better. What you're missing is the fact that you're still confusion 'I' for 'i'. I know that on a lot of chat sites they do that, but when role playing we want none of that. Are you using Microsoft Word to help you with this?
More fixing sentences! He knelt down and took of his favorite champagne bottle shaped necklace. Off. Off off off off off. He took out the cap to reveal a dropper, and quickly put it into his necklace sealing it back up. Okay, all I got out of this sentence was that he just took out a dropper, showed the audience, and put it back in. Whoo. Mkay, what you should say: "He took out the cap to reveal a dropper and then proceeded to dip it into the water. After he did that, he quickly put the water and dropper back into his necklace and sealed it up."
He got to his feet to explain "I put all the water from every world i go to in this, now its more of a habit." Has a lot of easily-fixed errors in there. "He got to his feet to explain: "I put all the water from every world I go to in this, now it's more of a habit." Easily. Fixed. Mistakes. Microsoft. Word.
One more thing. Your profile has not been accepted yet, therefore you cannot RP with your character. Even if your character's profile has been accepted, you cannot join a thread while in the RP Academy. This is just a warning for the future. Now onto the present.
Edmund watched him take out the dropper and suck up some water into it. He looked on with interest as the boy put a drop of it into his necklace and then sealed it back up. It seemed that the theme today was water as the boy proceeded to take off his headband and wring out all the sweat that had collected in it. Edmund, who wasn't one to lie, just stood there with a calm expression on his face.
"No, sorry, no towel." he admitted as he noticed for the first time that this kid was sweating worse than Edmund had on the hottest summer in Knishusha. He took one of his gloves off and offered it up. "I have my gloves though and I wouldn't mind if you used them." Edmund smiled back at the boy and waited for his answer. He was a naturally caring person, and would do anything for a complete stranger.
"Thanks," he said with a smile, as he was reaching for the gloves. He took them and started to wipe the sweat off his face. Dan was very calm now, giving him his gloves to wipe his sweat showed how trustworthy Edmund can be. As soon as Edmund was ready to leave this place then Dan would be ready. He could tell Edmund was a better leader when it came to getting them out of here.
Until then he might as well strike up some kind of conversation."So where are you from?" He asked meeting his eyes to show he was interested in what he had to say. Dan was especially interested because he could have been from a whole new world, and could possibly lead him to this wonder. It might also lead him to his uncle, which is the most important thing to him right now.
Apr 14, 2009 0:04:36 GMT -4
Last Edit: Apr 14, 2009 22:18:21 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 15, 2009 20:27:57 GMT -4
I despise seeing that 'last edited' button. If something needs to be edited, you just leave it there. If I see that button down below, I get to thinking that you just changed around your post to make you pass. If I see that button again, there will not be a happy discussion. This goes for anyone reading this post, I'm sure we all know well not to help unless your name is in green, but do not tell an RP Academy student what to do. That is the Instructor's job and we received this job for a reason. Please, no more fixing your post.
Dan was very calm now, giving him his gloves to wipe his sweat showed how trustworthy Edmund can be. Now, you start off good, but know that the ending, 'showed how trustworthy Edmund can be.' Mkay, doesn't make sense. Can should be could, does this make sense? Just think about which one sounds more correct, "Dan was very calm now, giving him his gloves to wipe his sweat showed how trustworthy Edmund can be." or "Dan was very calm now, giving him his gloves to wipe his sweat showed how trustworthy Edmund could be." You decide. If however you used Microsoft Word like I told you to and stated that your sentence was fine, I'll probably let you off.
He could tell Edmund was a better leader when it came to getting them out of here. Um, woah, kid must be good at everything. Mary Sue's = bad. People in real life don't always know where they are if they suddenly find themselves in a place that they've never been before. People in real life don't figure out a person when that person's only spoken 51 words. 51 words gives you all that I'm writing in blue right now, can you--with just these 51 words--figure out how my leadership skills are? Honestly, I could only figure out that I must be some sort of tutor or really blunt person right there. So you see what I mean?
So we have two guys in the belly of a whale. It's dark, you don't exactly know what's going on, and when a person is trying to get out what's going on in the thread by what a person is writing, when you write 'He asked meeting his eyes to show he was interested in what he had to say.' it confuses you more. So who met whose eyes to show who that who was interested in what who had to say? A good way to put this would be to say, "he asked meeting Edmund's eyes to show him that Dan was interested in what he had to say. Oh, okay, now I get it.
It might also lead him to his uncle, which is the most important thing to him right now. There you go confusing the words and tenses again. That sentence just doesn't make any sense. What you need to say to help the reader understand is to write, "It might also lead him to his uncle, which was the most important thing to him right now." I'm giving you a couple things to work on now, things to help use what you've learned in a post, mkay?
Things that I want to see in your next post:
-You use the letter i correctly in a sentence, laugh at me all you want, but I have to see that you've been able to break your habit -You use the word u correctly in a sentence, this is not a time to slack! -Not mixing up the tenses in a sentence and having it get all wicky-wacky -Less he's more names, this does not mean that I should see a sentence that goes, "Dan looked to Edmund and Dan smiled to show Edmund that Edmund was is charge and Dan would listen" No. I will pull out the water bottle on you. xD
This is your checklist, use all the requirements on it.
Edmund was glad that he was stuck wherever he was with a person that wasn't mean. It was nice to have another person smiling with you, instead of something that was going to complain. The Nobody took his glove back as Dankai asked another question. Being curious wasn't bad in Edmund's opinion, in fact he thought it was great to be curious. They had always said that curiosity killed something... a bat maybe, but if a lot of scientists hadn't been curious, then the planet of Knishusha would have never been able to farm or live off the land.
"I live in Radiant Garden right now, but I originally came from my home world of Knishusha." Edmund wanted to make sure that he answered Dankai's question correctly the first time so that this boy didn't have to go through the trouble of asking it a second time around. He seemed awfully chatty, which made the Knishushan think that this person was actually more curious that they let on, but then again Edmund could be wrong. He shrugged it off and waited for the next question to be asked.
Dan listened closely to Edmund. He had never heard of a place with the name Radiant Garden. “Radiant Garden,” Dan thought to himself, “with a name like that it has to be a nice place.” Dan sat silently thinking of the beautiful fields of flowers, glimmering sunlight off of tall buildings, and the stars shining in the dead of the night. “Amazing,” he whispered zoning out for a couple of seconds as he looked out with a smile on his face. Then he shook his head, regaining his concentration on Edmund.
“I’ve never heard of Knishushan.” Dan said as he looked at Edmund hoping he didn’t offend him by saying the name of the country wrong. “Please forgive me if I(how do you get word to not capitalize the I’s) mispronounced the name.” Dan hoped it would help a little if he had offended Edmund. He hoped Edmund would understand this being the first time he had heard of any place with that kind of name.
Post by sagefirefox on Apr 16, 2009 17:04:17 GMT -4
How do I get word for what? I'm not sure I understand and I'm not sure that it'll matter for you once you hear that you have now graduated from the RP Academy! Congratulations. You painted a picture in my mind, kept my interest coming, and used everything wonderfully. Now that you have graduated, you are going to go back to your profile and redo your RP sample. Then we'll see how what you learned in here plays out in your actual posting. Please don't forget what I've taught you, it's been a pleasure having you here.