Darkuns Poems.

[darkunslint]

Right, so recently I’ve been getting into doing poems. And well, I don't know what to make of them (its always so hard to self evaluate) So I'm asking YOU as the reader to tell me what you think the poems mean, and if you like them. Constructive Criticism please

Feathers;

Feathers falling from the skies,
breaking the last of their fragile ties.
Crying from the heavens above,
these feathers of the angel white dove.
For in this world; this time and place.
the white dove is naught but a face, a mask, a disgrace.
Shot, falling, feathers asunder,
ever sleeping, never stirring dead well under.
And when the people scream, shout and cry,
the dead dove will not fly.
Then all will die.

A note here, the white dove is a symbol of peace for those that don't know.

Secrets;

The passion we all share within,
a burning flame that will never give in.
A secret that we keep from all,
is the severity of our darkest call.
For in this world love means naught,
if the one you give it to doesn't give it a second thought.
Love can not be earned, learned or taught,
never stolen nor shared.
For one should never give their passion up short

[zerodragonblade]

o.O
Wow. I love em, Darkun!

So...
I think the first one means peace is falling apart.

And the second one...
I think it means... um... I really don't know. xD

[kaleb04]

I'm not the most poetic person, but I would like to take a crack at deciphering your first poem.

darkunslint said:

Feathers falling from the skies,
breaking the last of their fragile ties.

Feathers of a bird, I assume. The "white dove" in this poem represents peace. So these feathers are the last remnants of peace.
It is easy to disrupt peace; all it takes is an attack or comment to make someone unsettled. This could be toward a lot of things.

darkunslint said:

Crying from the heavens above,
these feathers of the angel white dove.

Alright, so these feathers are from the dove. The feathers are "crying", or it could be the fragile ties.
These feathers or ties knows what would happen if their "peace" was to shatter, or fall to the ground, and they are displeased about it.

darkunslint said:

For in this world; this time and place.
the white dove is naught but a face, a mask, a disgrace.

In this current generation, there is a bunch of talk about wars, terrorism, and the world's end. There are religions that are talking about the end times.
Needless to say, a lot of people have become distraught; and there is a lot less peace in this world. "A face, a mask, a disgrace." is mentioning how those who do seem at peace, like leaders of the country and what not, could just be faking it.

darkunslint said:

Shot, falling, feathers asunder,
ever sleeping, never stirring dead well under.

Asunder means to break apart, like shattering or dismantling. "Shot" in the past tense could mean worn-out or ruined, but "falling" is a verb that is present-tense. This could mean that the dove's feathers, or our peace, is no more. The peace has broken apart (the dove losing it's feathers), and continues to fall down to the earth, which might represent chaos.
The second line means that our peace cannot "wake up" or come back, as it is far too late to return to that time of peace.

darkunslint said:

And when the people scream, shout and cry,
the dead dove will not fly.
Then all will die.

The poem seems to get more and more depressing. Anyways, when $#!& hits the fan, and all hell breaks loose, people will start calling out for peace. Kind of like these hippies now a days, complaining about how war is bad. Anyways, no matter how much we ask for peace, we will not get it.

and then the world will a'splode.

-----------

In a nutshell, I believe your poem is describing how our country's peace has worn out, and we finally broke it by doing something "bad", maybe participating in the World Wars or going to Iraq. This act made a lot of people angry toward America, and more and more talk of terrorism and violence began to rear it's ugly head.

Tensions are beginning to strain, and any year now there could be that one act of aggression that causes that one final straw to break, leading to a full-out war. Red China will take over Alaska, only to be overthrown by American soldiers wearing high-tech robotic battle suits, and then humans will be thrown in underground facilities as the bombs drop and eradicate or mutate all life on earth. Then, many years later, one of these humans will leave their dwelling and venture forth into the horizon.

Wait... okay, I started off serious there, but then I think I started to describe the Fallout games. Anyways, some poems can be described in a number of ways; I think it is about America, but you might not even live here, or may be talking about something completely different.

What do you think that poem meant when you wrote it? Was I close to the mark or way off?

As for criticism, I can offer none. As I have said before, I am not a poet.

[EDIT:] Forgot to mention this, but I think you are a pretty good poet. Have you tried submitting any of them to some sort of company that makes poetry books?
My older sister writes poetry, and she has had one of her own poems published.

[sumdood]

I see nobody's said anything about the second poem. Now, it is obviously clear that its theme is love. That fact is blatantly clear. A blind man could see it. Lol

Now, its WHAT its saying about love that is somewhat difficult to grasp. Now, looking at it as a whole, I would say the basic meaning of the whole thing Is, essentially, that despite love being difficult to find, everyone wants it, and nobody should give it up.

Of course, that's just what I get out of it. Lol

[darkunslint]

Thanks for all your comments on the poems. And as for you shotgun cat. You basically hit the nail on the head. I don't live in America, the idea behind it was exactly as you described only more global. The fact that if one country gets involved, more will follow, then their allies will help and eventually we will have a REAL WORLD WAR on our hands. Aside from you limiting it down to just America (Which I can see why you did it) You was the same as me.

However, in all respects. There is no right or wrong in interprating poetry, I merely write it, I don't decide what it means to you, what it means to the poet him/herself and what it means to every different reader could be completely different. So I will retract my earlier statement saying you was almost right, becuase you was right.

As for sending them off to a poetry company... I think not, I don't think there that good. Maybe you could ask your sister what she thinks of them for me? If she writes poetry maybe she will have a better idea of the criteria and whatnot.

Thanks for commenting everyone. I will most certainly put some more up in the near future so look out.

[serif]

I'm gonna skip the analyzing and do some technical criticism, I think. I'm reading them out loud, for flow, and if anything I say doesn't make sense, it's probably my fault.

Okay, Feathers. Your first four lines are good, but the fourth one feels like it's got one to many syllables. I would say either lose the word 'white' or change 'angel' to 'snow' or 'pure'. Something like that. As an example.

And then your meter changes and kind of stays screwy.

the white dove is naught but a face, a mask, a disgrace. is two lines, i think.

The next line, seven, may need one more syllable.

I feel like the last line is kinda heavy-handed.

Aren't you glad I like you? I usually ignore these threads. So, if this is not the kind of crit you wanted, I apologize and won't do it any more. If it is, I can totally do more.

[darkunslint]

Yes, this is what i was looking for. I need to know how to improve so need to know where I am going wrong ;p

[Ellie who has 0%]

Actually I think line four is fine actually.

The flow can be identical with line 2, since it have the same amount of syllables. I can litterally pick up a rhythm, while reading it. But I loose the rhythm and flow once hitting the lines 6 and 8

For in this world; this time and place.
<the white dove is naught but a face, a mask, a disgrace.>
Shot, falling, feathers asunder,
<ever sleeping, never stirring dead well under.>

Feathers falling from the skies, (7)
breaking the last of their fragile ties. (9)
Crying from the heavens above, (8)
these feathers of the angel white dove. (9)
For in this world; this time and place. (8)
the white dove is naught but a face, a mask, a disgrace. (13)
Shot, falling, feathers asunder, (7)
ever sleeping, never stirring dead well under. (13)
And when the people scream, shout and cry, (9)
the dead dove will not fly. (5)
Then all will die. (4)

The more the amount of syllable stretches ...the flow becomes lost. The last to lines flows for the third...because they both compose of 9.

[kaleb04]

Sept 17, 2009 12:44:49 GMT -4 @darkunslint said:

As for sending them off to a poetry company... I think not, I don't think there that good. Maybe you could ask your sister what she thinks of them for me? If she writes poetry maybe she will have a better idea of the criteria and whatnot.

You'd never know unless you try, right? I would ask my older sister, but she is living in California, while I am stuck about several thousand miles off the coast of it.

[darkunslint]

Ok, I've done two new poems. They’re both a bit bah but oh well.

Broken Ends;

When all is full, complete and well,
There’s always a doubt I cannot quell.
If I had chosen a different path,
Would I of ever been able to laugh?
For now we have been broken apart,
It feels like what we had was art.
But now I am in this distant place,
Each day wearing a different face.
I have a new tie that I cannot leave,
My heart always hanging from my sleeve.
For with this new lover,
I cannot breath.

(This poem is a personal poem. As some of you may know I recently moved to a different country ((England to Scotland)) so I left things behind me. And well, ill leave the poem to you.)

Confliction;

At the end of the eternal war,
When all that’s left is binding law.
Dark and light will both bring the same,
Eternal peace that was neithers aim.
But when one side wins dark or light,
There will be peace with no one to fight.
For Dark and light are just the same,
Views of the other mirrored in name.

(Right, this one is a bit more complex... I doubt anyone can dissect to what it means but I would for you too try. It was more of a random thought that had me on a rant for quite a while with a friend. About how Light always wins the wars. And how we perceived the opponent as dark and ourselves as light.)

[Charme]

I think now the SECOND ONE!!!!!!!

Okay, it's similar to my own saying:

One man's savior is another man's monster. It means that the definition of both are based off of perspective and beliefs. And when it speaks of Light as always winning, that is only because perspective chooses the "light" side. Take Final Fantasy VII for example. Zack Fair is seen as a hero in Midgar, while in Wutai, he is a monster. Still, he is a good guy. Thet goes to show that in Wutai's perspective, they are the heroes, and the monsters are Midgar.

And when it speaks of the "end of war", it talks about nothingness. An absence of light means there can be no darkness, and it is the same the other way around. You cannot have one without the other, elsewise you couldn't differentiate light from darkness at all.

Did I get it right?

[darkunslint]

As stated above there is no right or wrong in interpration. It means what It means to you. I created it under the idea that If the world was engulfed by darkness, there would be no light for it to fight, and therefore peace would occur. And if light destroyed dark, then light would have no one to fight therefore peace.

The other bit you had the same idea as me. An example ill use is a war. Say to us during WW2 We was light, the good guys, doing the right thing and what not. Now dont take this the wrong way when I say it but to the Germans, they where the good guys, What they was doing was Right, it was the Light and the english was the darkness trying to stop them.

Its a bad example but you get the idea. Thats the pretence i created it under however, I see where yours came from aswel, and ill say it again like its going out of fashion. In poetry, there is no right or wrong, i merely want to see how others interprate it.

[kaleb04]

I get what you mean. Each country teaches history a bit differently, leaning toward their own perspective. For example, to those of us in America, we think the colonization of the New World was a great thing. To Native Americans and other countries, it is viewed as bad or tragic.

When you say "light always wins" in your little note below the poem, you are correct in a certain sense. In your example, you mention how in WW2, the allies were seen as good, or the "light" to those in the allied forces and even the neutral forces. However, to the axis, they may of thought they were right.

"Light always wins" works in the sense that there will almost always be at least one group of people who believe they are the light, or something like that.

You get what I am trying to say?

[darkunslint]

*Nod* I undederstand. And ive decided to name you Kitcat :)Hope you dont mind

[kaleb04]

Not at all.

I find their jingle quite catchy, to be honest.