In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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I'd like to check myself in here. As I've got nothing else to do on the site, I might as well train my roleplaying skills. As such, I'll be waiting for an instructor to head over and get this officially started.
The character I use will depend upon the situation provided to me by the instructor. The only request I have is to keep it in Twilight Town, as my characters (at the moment) have no reason to leave it.
Post by sagefirefox on May 27, 2009 21:42:23 GMT -4
Welcome to the RP Academy, Role, my name is Sage and I'll be your Instructor for here. Here is how this will work:
I would like for you to post to this thread as if posting a new RP thread with your character. I will then see what it is that you can improve on and point them out to you, as well as replying as one of my own characters.
Please understand that this is, by no means, a way to say that your skills are lacking, or that you have been singled out ; it is merely a means to assist your growth as a writer and a roleplayer. We all have things to learn from each other; just as I have things I would like to teach you, I'm sure that there's also things that I can learn from you~ (Especially since you're not in need of simple grammar errors)
The rules are as as follows:
•Respect the site rules. Which means no powerplaying/godmodding other people's characters. I and others don't really care for that type of behavior D:
• Listen to advice. I cannot teach one who will not learn.
• Feel free to disagree If you have issue with something I said, please feel free to point it out. This is a group effort. That said, should you do so, provide reasoning and your alternative views in a calm, rational, and non-confrontational manner, I will treat you with respect, and expect the same treatment in return.
• Have fun. This is a game; furthermore, this is out of plot (unless you later choose to add this into continuity) roleplay. Anything that does not conflict with the rules goes; and that said, we have a little more leeway here. Namely, the location, situation, and anything else are up in the air. If you want to try out something, feel free to do so.
With that said, please allow us to begin! ^^
Also, would you like to begin or have me begin this?
((Though I'd prefer that you begin, I need to be able to help develop a path for my characters. As I'm not too good at creating self-contained-plot type threads, this is where my training comes in. I'm good at creating locations, but this ain't that type of RP. And since I came here to train my skills and make myself a better RPer, doing something I'm uncomfortable with is something I'll need to be able to do. As such, here I go.))
(topic title: On Patrol...)
Atreyus sat down and leaned back against a wall. He'd just finished his daily training, which normally wouldn't sap him so badly, but today was hotter than normal... Wiping the sweat off of his brow with a towel, he sighed and looked up. There'd not been much to do in terms of his duties lately... Not that was a BAD thing, of course, after all he and his father were to be keeping the city safe and free of crime. The problem was, with the recent safety the town had been seeing, it also meant a lot of boring waiting. No no... he's gotta get those thoughts out of his head. Having a safe city was a GOOD thing, after all! His mind wandered to one of his friends, though... she was a thief, and had to steal to survive... Though he didn't really like that behavior, the general lack of crime going on made him worry a bit if she was okay...
Having rested a bit, he stood up and readied himself to go on patrol again. He picked his sword and placed it in its scabbard, then grabbed and equipped his shield and began to head off. He didn't expect to find anything, given how peaceful it's been lately... He'd heard rumors of strange creatures showing up in shadows recently, but the last several days he'd gone out, he'd not seen anything at all. Even the Disciplinary Committee didn't have anything to report, which was rare. After all, they'd even report on non-issues just because they didn't like someone... He'd not seen Twilight Town this quiet in a long time. Regardless, though, he's gotta get going. He started down the road and began to look for anything out of the ordinary...
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 1, 2009 21:34:30 GMT -4
Alright, we'll take things a bit more casual here then I normally would. I've talking this over with you personally and I'm sure you know what we're doing here, but just to clarify, we're each here to help one-another. You've most likely figured out that anything in green is OOC and anything in black is IC, of course any other colors mean that a person is speaking. Now, onto what you can do better...
'No no... he's gotta get those thoughts out of his head' this sentence was a little confusing, you were speaking as if you were Atreyus and then suddenly you break free of that and say 'he's gotta get those...' why not just put it as 'he had to get those...'? It flows a lot better and doesn't make the reader stop and go back to figure out what you mean. After that you go on to mention a friend of his that's a thief. It's good that you didn't go on further into detail with talking about her, though it brought up the question, 'Wait, why are we talking about his friend?' Maybe you can try to make the transition into that a bit smoother.
'...given how peaceful it's been lately' Again you use two different tenses (past, present, got it?) so just make sure to stay with one. A more suitable line would be '...given how peaceful it had been lately'. 'He'd heard rumors of strange creatures showing up in shadows recently' Nothing to say bad about this, it's actually a compliment. Many (I have done this once too) will say they have heard of things called Heartless, or heard of a group called the Organization XII, I like how you don't say that Atreyus has ever heard of Heartless, but 'creatures' well done. One last thing I would like you to add in your posts is the fact that you don't really put any describing words into this, sometimes you do, but it's more so about the character, what about his surroundings?
Onto my post, feel free to criticize about my post, or even argue with what I suggested you do. ^^[/b]
Portals could be so confusing at times, or helpful. Whenever she was bored, Relena would simply open a portal to any given spot on a different world and step through to see what kind of fun she could stir up. Today was a rather slow day for the Heartless with no assignments or orders to complain about. Like she did on most of these days, she stepped through a random portal and waited to see where it would take her.
"What have we here?" she muttered to herself as she stepped out onto a road of some sorts. Her face dropped as she saw that it was basically deserted of any beings, a sign that she might as well open a new portal and leave. Of out the corner of her eye she spotted a barely-visible figure, a skill she picked up quickly after several mishaps. As she stood and watched the figure get closer, she put a hand up to her eyes as something reflected light into them.
Seconds later she lowered her hand as she realized what he was wearing, armor... What person would wear such a thing in this kind of weather? The temperature out wherever she was made her unbearable, and the thick-material that made up her pants no longer felt comfy but miserable. The person was getting closer now, and Relena stood there wondering if and what she should say.
((Would you like me to change the green to another color? I know it's a bit blinding...))
Jun 1, 2009 21:34:30 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jun 1, 2009 21:35:53 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
((Just mark it with double (())s, and separate it from text with the [hr] tag. That's what I do. Separates the OOC from the IC, and doesn't blind you with clashing colors, either.
Anywho, I've stayed in Third Person Semi-Omnipotent from the whole time. Never once used "I". But I can kinda see where you were coming from. If I just went No no... Gotta keep those thoughts out of his head... it'd flow better. So I guess it's a matter of keeping the flow right. Your suggestion would work too, but it's a tad too formal. That's something more like what Morrisa would use, though it'd be in a more condescending form.
As for given how peaceful it's been lately, I think that's a typo. I meant to put it'd. Thank for catching it.
As for referencing the thief, that's his mind wandering. It's part of my personal RP style. When their mind is wandering, it's supposed to make sense to the character, not necessarily to the reader. If you look at the context, they well seem to follow a type of very loose flow. After all, look at what he's talking about... He's thinking about a thief friend, yet in terms of his duties to enforce the law, nothing was really happening. If she was stealing stuff, they'd have reports of it what not. This also has a bit of an inner conflict with him that'll come up sometimes. He is supposed to be a defender of justice, someone who upholds the law, yet he's close friends with a thief.
My other characters follow this wandering-thoughts type thing to a slight degree. It doesn't happen unless they're alone, of course. If they're interacting with something or someone, their mind is focused on that. For simple thinking characters, like Fleta, this is kept to a minimum though. The most she'll ever wander to is "I'm bored, I want something to do", then she'll go do it. Morrisa is just the opposite. Her whole world is in her head, she'll even have internal monologues. She finds things like people as a needless distraction from her thoughts, and thus a nuisance. Atreyus is somewhat in the middle. His mind will wander, he'll have his internal conflicts, many of which won't make sense but to him. For me, if the reader is to make sense of these as a whole, they need to pay attention. Something late in a thread can remind them of something early on, and they'll suddenly think about that seemingly out of nowhere. But if the reader was following closely from the beginning of the thread, it'd make sense.
The three characters I currently RP are friends to each other, but in the style I'm trying for, they won't refer to each other by name, rather by class. In otherwords, they won't interact with each other directly unless a plot requires it, and will often reference each other in their thoughts. It works similar to how an easter egg might work in a game. In this case, he was referring to Fleta. He's worrying that she got into trouble, which would contribute to the odd nothing that's going on in terms of crimes. Of course, the other, more likely option is that she's just not getting caught. But he's the type to needlessly worry.
@describing Areas: Ah... yeah, that's one way I need to improve. I'm used to threads being areas, in which the first post is the area's detailed description... So the rest of the posts don't really require much description of the area other than where in the area the person is. Thanks for pointing that out.
Now then... for you... one of the things I can suggest is describing the 'figure' with a bit more detail. In a crowded area, that could describe many people, so more specifics like describing more detail as he gets closer, such as apparent gender, height, and other details, should they present themselves. It may have worked well here, but I could easily assume that you spoke of someone else, and totally ignore you in the post. Something like that's happened to me before already here.
Atreyus continued down the path, looking down alleys as he came to them. Still, there was a whole lot of nothing. Actually, there was more nothing than there should be... The streets were oddly devoid of people right now. That can't be good... no, that can't be good at all. Even with how quiet it was, the last several days he'd seen plenty of people... so where were they today? Was there some kind of event that he wasn't aware of? Or perhaps... no, banish the thought. His father told him of something similar to his world... creatures called 'heartless'... he'd never seen one, but supposedly they were fearsome enough to destroy his homeworld of Ivalice... if something like that was going on, though, his father surely would have recognized it, right? After all, his father'd been though it.
He continued his search, but still not a soul was to be found, until he spotted a woman in dark red off in the distance. She had blonde hair tied in twintails... he almost mistook her for his thief friend until he got close enough to see that she'd much too old to be them, not to mention her hair was too long. He didn't recognize her, but it's not like he could get to know everyone in town. But... if he'd not seen her, that probably meant she was from another part of town. Perhaps she'd seen someone on the way over here?
"Excuse me, miss... could I borrow some of your time?"
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 4, 2009 21:31:07 GMT -4
((My apologies for making it so blinding, the green worked rather well with the white background and now I realize I can no longer use it. Now, you mention the fact that I should maybe describe the character a bit more, I tend to save more detail of the character for later, perhaps when the character's mind wanders. As for Relena, there was the problem of light being in her eyes, as we all know sometimes makes images tough to see. I would have never thought the other RP would confuse it for another person, but I will take that into consideration next time.
I also have a question for you, how long do you plan on enrolling yourself in here for? As you can see, I barely found anything for you to improve on, and I'm sure this time won't be much different, you pick up on improvement fast and I'm afraid that soon I won't find anything that needs changing. Now, I don't know if this is your style or something, but I don't really ever read what he's feeling at the time. I know you portray it in your writing, however it's always nice to really let the reader know for sure the character's mood at the time.))
Well, weren't the people here polite? Relena tilted her head to a side as she looked at his rather unkept hair and brown eyes. Sadly she had to look down to do so, as he was a little bit shorter than her, and quite a bit younger. So he wanted to 'borrow' some of her time, it made her chuckle softly to herself, this was a change. Manners where a thing of the past for the Heartless she hung out with, in fact she thought they disappeared long ago.
'Borrowing' meant many things to her, 'May I borrow your heart?', 'May I borrow some munny?', though she was sure she knew what this kid meant. Surely he didn't mean the type she normally would, which would be the borrow that meant keep. She smirked at him as she formed a reply, she was going to savor the look that appeared on his face after she did reply. "Get lost, kid. Either that or tell me why the hell you're wanting to speak to me."[/color] There was no way that this kid was getting some sweet-little woman that would be able to help him with something. All this kid was getting was rude remarks from Relena.
((Understandable. I had to change my character's speech color colors as well when the forum changed its theme. I plan to enroll myself as long as necessary... After all, it's not like I've really got anything better to do. Exam season, so the boards are kinda dead. Then it's gonna be summer, the bane of most RPs, when everyone's on vacation and away from keyboard. So... I think I'll be done around the time KH: Days comes out! XD
Okay, just kidding, but we'll go for a few more rounds. If you don't see anything, and if other people don't see a way for me to improve then we'll be done.))
"Get lost, kid. Either that or tell me why the hell you're wanting to speak to me."
Now this was a surprise. "Ma'am... it's the job of City Watch Trainees like myself to help patrol the town... Surely you've seen one or two of us as you move about on your daily errands. I'm simply doing my duty. I simply wanted to ask you if you've seen anyone around here lately. The streets seem oddly devoid of people today." Most people had seen them here and there... After all, they'd been doing this for a few years now. He'd assumed they'd know about it... perhaps she was new to the world, though? Though... most people weren't exactly that rude... well, she could just be having a bad day, but...
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 6, 2009 17:19:43 GMT -4
((Right now there's not much, I'm just going to continue with this so hopefully your skills will improve further))
She had to hand the kid props, most would have either backed off or came flying at her with their weapons drawn, those were about the only people you met now-a-days, the wimps or the fighters. So he was here to protect the Town, Twilight Town she figured, here looked nothing like the districts of Traverse Town. Upon hearing that all he wanted to know was if she'd seen anyone around her she snorted. "Of course there are people around here, last time I saw them, they were all gathered by the clock tower. Why don't you go look?"[/color]
People were no fun if they weren't the temper mental type, and this kid was definitely not the type to get mad. Relena didn't need such a person being around her any longer. She came here to be entertained, not to be bored to death by questions. If he didn't leave now, she would say farewell to him. Relena of course was hoping he'd fall for her trick and go to the clock tower and leave her alone, but she also hoped that he hadn't been to the clock tower recently.
"Ah, I see... so there must be an event going on. I'd like to go, but my patrol route doesn't lead over that way. Thank you for informing me, I was not aware." Had an event been advertised? He didn't remember such a thing... Must have been a sudden attraction if that was the case. It does happen from time to time, though rarely. It could also explain why she was here, as not everyone cared for such events. Such people were prone to going to areas of the town they were unfamiliar with when they happened so as to avoid the crowds. He nodded in thanks once again to the woman and then began to continue down his patrol route. He'd love to see what was going on though... too bad his route took him in the opposite direction. Then again, even if he'd been assigned to look over the event, he'd not be able to actually watch it... Well, he couldn't see them all. After all, SOMEONE had to keep Twilight Town safe. And that was the City Watch's job... HIS job.
((Edit: See? This is why I hate plot style threads. If you use Location threads, the two can simply go their own ways and later interact with other characters, but this "thread" just ended before it could even begin! Well, if this is it, then perhaps we're done here?))
Jun 7, 2009 2:06:39 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jun 9, 2009 2:06:20 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 9, 2009 12:55:18 GMT -4
((Hmm, I know we talked this over earlier, and I think that we should just continue. Relena may leave later on, but for now I think she'll stay in.))
Woah wait, an idea was forming inside her mind. This person patrolled the town, right? Right, so he might know a lot about Twilight Town, maybe just enough to help her figure out something things. Things being where most people are vulnerable to the Heartless, where not to go, where things of value might be. This kid seemed enough to fool into thinking she was his friend, and if something didn't work out, there was always the handy portal. "Woah, wait up kid!"[/color] she called out to him as a grin slowly spread over her face. Relena was not naturally nice, nor was she being nice now, what she was being was a deceiver, and hopefully no one else could tell.
The best way to becoming friends was getting to know each other she figured. As she finally caught up to the boy, she stuck out a hand and attempted a smile--which ended up looking like more of a painful smirk. Coolly she asked, "Now, what was your name? I don't believe I got it before."[/color] Relena never liked to tell people her name before she told them hers and she figured that she would get to asking him first before he asked for her name. She begun to fan herself with a hand of hers as she waited for a reply, who knew it could ever get to be this hot out?
"Now, what was your name? I don't believe I got it before."
"Atreyus, ma'am." He slowed down a small bit so as to make it easier for her to catch up and ask any questions she might have. He kept moving though, after all he was on patrol. He can't just stop and chat with whomever. As she extended her hand, he reached out and shook it out of courtesy. Perhaps she wasn't as rude as he'd first made her out to be... Perhaps she'd just been having a bad day.
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 9, 2009 16:38:26 GMT -4
Her kind (or so she was trying) look washed away into one of embarrassment. "MA'AM?!"[/color] she echoed back loudly, "Sure I'm older than you, but I'm not some old woman! If you plan on calling me anything, call me by my first name and only my first name."[/color] Course the catch was she was going to make him ask for her name, she didn't hand it out freely of course. Some of the other Dark XII members thought of her as stuck-up, she rather liked to call it being careful.
Besides calling her ma'am--a word she despised--he had also slowed down for her. He most likely meant it as an act of courtesy, but having to slow down for Relena was a disgrace for her. She sped up hoping that he would have to be the chasing her down and refused to look him in the eyes. There were only so many acts of kindness she would show before she lost it. Then again, she would rather be around this kid than with any of the Dark XII members.
Jun 9, 2009 16:38:26 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jun 9, 2009 16:40:07 GMT -4 by sagefirefox
"I meant no disrespect... I call women even younger to myself as ma'am unless I have a name to go off of. I was simply trying to remain respectful. If you have a name by which you'd rather me call you, then please, speak it." Jeez, the things he had to put up with when on duty. He was supposed to say 'ma'am' and 'sir' when on duty unless he knew the person's name. Well, at least he wasn't like that thief friend of his... if she didn't like 'ma'am', she sure as hell wouldn't like 'old lady'. Same could be true for his mage friend, as he doubted she'd appreciate being called an 'annoying pest'. Heck, if she was particularly perturbed, that mage friend would even provoke the woman by calling her an 'annoying old hag'. One thing was for certain, though. He didn't need to slow down. That was good, he could complete his rounds quicker now. As such, he picked his speed back up to where it was before.
Post by sagefirefox on Jun 11, 2009 16:46:52 GMT -4
Well, she figured this was the closest she would be getting to having him ask for her name. "Relena,"[/color] she said as though she was talking to someone. Sometimes she liked to be a little unclear, it made it more enjoyable for her to answer a person's question when they asked just what she was talking about. It made her feel smarter, to make it seem that the other person wasn't smart enough to figure out what she was talking about. Before he spoke she asked, "So, anything unusual happen around here lately?" Relena also liked to just get to the point, she hated when a person continued to talk about pointless things. To her she would rather be blunt then slowly work her way into it.
"Well, yes, but it's nothing you should really be worried about. The crime rate has plummeted, so it's been really quiet. If anything, you should be enjoying this abnormal peace." Er... perhaps he shouldn't have put it like that? That almost sounded ungrateful... As if he was bitter that it was quiet. He wasn't, he actually was happy it was this quiet, but it did make it quite boring when on the clock. He'd have to be a bit more careful how he says things from now on. He continued down his route, turning left down an alley. The alley didn't go too far before he turned left again to go down the next road.