Raiku Simmons

[ikedon]

Name: Raiku Simmons

Nickname: -none-

Age: 17

Gender: male

Species: human

Position: good

Powers: Raiku can emit a dark-purplish mist around his duel blades. This mist is like a poisen. It can burn through most non-living material.

Weapon(s): Raiku has duel blades. They are four feet long, and six inches wide. They have a black diamond in the middle, near the top. They are also silver (except for the diamonds). He acopanied these blade when his father gave them to him. His father told him not to use these yet.

Appearance: Raiku has pale-white skin and long jet-black hair. He usually wears sunglasses. He wears a long black trench coat and a black and white tee-shirt under that. On his left wrist are three black beaded braclets. His eyes are a really bright green. He also carries his swords on his back. He is six feet and two inches tall, and his hair goes down to his waist.

Personality: Raiku is not a very cheerful person. He is like this because of his parents death. He is only happy when he is with his family. They gave him a quiet place to be. He can get very angery at times. He just can't stand little kids or loud sounds. Those can make him pretty angery if not delt the way he wants. The most times he is angered is when he is with other people. He now has to be away from civillization.

Original World: Traverse Town

Current Residing World: Traverse Town

History/Background: Raiku lived a normal childhood. When he was eight, his parents were mysteriosly gone. Most people think it was a heartless attack. He lived alone for two years. After that he decided to look for family. He had a sister which had moved from the area, because she got into a fight with her parents. She left from rage, by taking all of her stuff and running away. Now, enough with the sister, back to Raiku. Raiku found he had a sister. His sister barely talked to him. He went off to prove his strength to his sister. She finally gained trust in him when he was almost killed. He wanted to prove his strength to his sister to gain her trust. He still lives in Traverse Town wanting to visit other worlds. Although he has to sit behind a grill all day at his part-time job.

Anating Elsa?:Well... I really do like pie... so... I LIKE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ellie who has 0%]

You're a new Face. Well let's get started by first making this more presentable.

Double space every section apart please.

Powers: purple mist -- what does it do?
It must be significant to have it...so it must do something than just be...pretty fog right?

Weaponry: Given by your history, you don't have proof of training in swordsmanship, so I find it hard to believe a 17 yr old would be roaming Traverse Town with swords...that are the height of a midget. It's four feet. That can just be me over-thinking it, but help me by clarification. Are they dual swords, dual daggers,...etc?

Appearance: I want you to get comfortable with writing more and be more descriptive. For practice sake, describe your character more. How tall is he? How long is his hair? How white is he...pale white...moon white...albino white? XD haha He wears sunglasses in a world that's in endless night >> << just had to giggle at that. What is his body type? Is he lean? Is he hefty? Is he muscular? Is he obese?

Personality: For more descriptive practicing, let's do some elaboration. Why isn't he cheerful? Why is he such a downer and party pooper? Why does he gets angered by other people? What are typical pet peeves others trigger to irk him?

Is he selective of his company? Why is he only content with his family? What is he content with now...now that he practically lacks a family? Why is he so tempermental?

Original World: Is it really where he from? Your history makes it seem he was somewhere else, since you put so much emphasism "He now lives in Traverse Town" ...I thought he was already living there....

History:

You know...murdered parents is a plot device used a lot to make angsty charries. Atleast explained a murder that occured...in Traverse Town. Now if it was heartless activity...well they would be heartless >> and the bodies go poof << leaving no evidence of...murder persay.

Also elaborate on his family. He lived a normal life, but his family is obviously broken because he wasn't aware of a sister. Why? Did she moved away before he was born? Was there a reason why he didn't knew of her? Did she NOT wanted to Keep in touch with family?

Also after his mom and dad kicked the bucket...how did he find out about his sister? I doubt he found it in a random epiphany >> sniffing the White Mushroom Heartless hehe mushrooms.

Why was his sister so stand-offish? See there's a lot of history to play around with to bulk it up and give more clarity. Why would his sister care about him showing of strength to her? Also when in the world did he pick up dual wielding? How did he gain her trust? ...Why didn't she trusted him to begin with? How was he almost killed?

Ooo he works...where?

Also since you character lives in Traverse Town it would be nice to connect your character's life with Traverse Town's history such as: the heartless attacks, the biig heartless who I can't remember its name....

This way we can get a feel how your character fits in the world's timelime.

any questions? just ask

since this is a lot and you're new here and trying to get the hang of things
7 days to edit.

[ikedon]

I totaly modified it yall!!!

[Ellie who has 0%]

...I wouldn't say totally but modified you did.

Oh yes accompanied >> isn't not spelled that. Just use spell check. It took me a while to figure that word out lol.

Also Poison...doesn't act the same as acid. So If it's poison >> iiit poisooon people. Let's stick with a poisonous weaponry k.

Appearance: Re-write this. Why? You have quite the choppy paragraph jumping from one thing to the next then back to the same topic. Organizing your sentences to have a smoother flow will helping in writing period, essay assignments, and rping.

Leeet's take a look shall we:
Raiku has pale-white skin and long jet-black hair. He usually wears sunglasses. He wears a long black trench coat and a black and white tee-shirt under that. On his left wrist are three black beaded braclets. His eyes are a really bright green. He also carries his swords on his back. He is six feet and two inches tall, and his hair goes down to his waist.

You went from describing his body and hair to sunglasses to clothing...to assessorcies...then back to his eyes (sunglasses covers eyes so you practically talked about his eyes alread)...his sword..then back to describing his body...and his hair again.

You need more structure and flow. I will give you an example from my own profiles:

Jadis:
The White Witch is an enchantress when it comes to her appearance. By a bite of the forbidden apple, she became immortal to natural deaths of disease and old age. Her skin became a flawless white as snow. Her lips are redder than bloodied roses that softly curls in a gentle smile. Her blonde hair can be found pale like the snow or vibrant as the sun depending on the occasion. Her hair can be found curled up in a wrap, placed in a bun to allow her curled tresses to fall down her neck, or perfectly straight. The only inhuman features on her face are her cold coal eyes with a tinge of green.

She would look like an angelic Snow White standing seven feet tall. Her beauty shouldn’t be confused with a fragile damsel; the sorceress is an Amazonian with the strength to break an iron bar with her bear hands and lifting a human high off one’s feet. She is a perfect composition of strength, death, cruelty, and beauty.
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It's organized going from one detail to the next without doing stuff like talk about her hair is long at the beginning of the paragraph, be descriptive of her figure, then jump back saying she's a blonde.

Now I would like for you to try to organize your own paragraph. Practice makes perfect.

Personality:
The same can be said for this. After a while you had repetitive details as if you don't have much to say and they're seperated from each other...making it choppy.

Raiku is not a very cheerful person. He is like this because of his parents death. He is only happy when he is with his family. They gave him a quiet place to be. He can get very angery at times. He just can't stand little kids or loud sounds. Those can make him pretty angery if not delt the way he wants. The most times he is angered is when he is with other people. He now has to be away from civillization.

Summary:
He's not perky. It's because his parent died. He's happy with family, BECAUSE they gave him quiet space (funny reason but okay). He can get very grumpy. He can't stand kids and loud sounds (stuff that makes him mad). Those can make him pretty angery if not DEALT with correctly (Well no duh it gets him angry..and he can't stand it...Repition. Tell us something...we don't know). The most times he is angered is when he is with other people (...more stuff he don't like. Hey how about you attach it to the other things he DON'T LIKE ). Now he have to be solo.

._. You see where I'm getting at? Just re-read it...it should sound off once you read it out loud. It's like your bouncy with ideas like a rabbit without organizing them together.

History:
Question: How does he NOT know he have a sister?
Why didn't his sister trust him?
Why did he have to use STRENGTH to prove trust?
What did he do to almost get himself killed?

._. The reason why I asked is because this history is so vague it isn't believable. With more details, it can be more realistic in a sense.

You need an RP Sample. I want you to give me 2 paragraphs acting as your character in 3rd person for I can see if your writing problems are consistent.

3 days.

[Ellie who has 0%]

Double Post:

I'm enforcing the new rule with the character profile sheet now. This may actually benefit you when solving some of the problems you have when it comes to descriptive writing.

Click here to see the new requirements, which also includes the WORD COUNTS.

Edit;; Sorry for not giving you a time
5 days

[Ellie who has 0%]

5 days are up, this is rejected for not editing it in a timely fashion.