Dane (Finished! 0FT0 )

[luigithebodyguard]

Name: Dane


Nickname: N/A


Age: 15


Gender: Male


Species: Human


Position: Neutral, but leaning towards good.


Powers: Dane usually uses Dark Magic to his advantage. Here are the moves he uses:

Dark Blast: It may sound powerful, but it is actually like a fireball, but made out of darkness. This does moderate damage. 2 post recharge.
High Jump: Dane can jump higher than the average human. This is more of an ability. No recharge.

Combine: Dane combines his katana into one. This drastically increases his power, but doesn't last very long. Lasts 5 posts. 7 post recharge.

Limit move-Dark Beam: Dane uses his katanas to shoot a large beam of darkness. This damages anything in the way. Major damage. Usable once per thread. Only available when Dane's HP is very low.

Weapon: Dual Shadow Katanas


Picture: N/A


Appearance: Dane has sort of long, brown hair, but he usually wears his old, brown hat over it, which he got from his father. Because of this, he barely ever takes it off. He has light blue eyes, unlike his parents who had brown eyes. This didn't hinder him, though. His usual outfit is a ragged, torn white t-shirt, light blue jeans, and silver/black sneakers. He never changes his wardrobe unless he needs to. When he does, though, it's because he is either going to a special event or because he is going to a job. He is 5' 4" and weighs 120 lbs.

Personality: Dane is one of those people who doesn't have a big fear of anything. He doesn't do well against anything that is way stronger than him. He usually tries to avoid these fights. If he is forced to fight that kind of person, he usually uses all of his power to take it down. He usually freaks out a little when he is in a life-or-death situation. Dane enjoys just relaxing, but he will go on a mission if he has to. He doesn't like being mean, but he does if he has to. He can be really fierce at times. Dane can run extremely fast. He won his school races 4 years in a row. He also ran for the track team. Dane has a short temper. He tries to bottle it up, but sometimes it slips and he just goes all-out with it. For example, in 3rd Grade, one of his teachers gave him a bad grade on a test. He was very angry, but he tried to keep silent. He just couldn't so he cussed out the teacher and got suspended from school for 2 months. Besides that, he is a really nice guy. He also has a great singing voice and can play guitar very well.


Original World: Serenity Garden
Current World: Twilight Town


History: Dane's birth world was called Serenity Garden. Sadly, he doesn't remember it. The reason for this will be revealed soon. First, let me talk about his family. Dane was an only child, and he lived with both of his parents. His dad's name was Rakomo. Rakomo has sort of a short temper, which was passed down to Dane. He had some martial arts training, but it was so long ago that he cannot remember any of it. Dane's mom's name is Aleanga. Aleanga was a passive person. She did not like fighting, and she almost never yelled. She and Rakomo greatly cared for Dane. Now, back to Dane's life.

Until age 7, Dane lived a normal life. When he became that age, strange things began happening to his homeworld. It began to slowly grow darker each day. There were no clouds were in sight, but it seemed that a large shadow was stretching across his world. 3 years later, something happened that changed his life forever.

Dane woke up one day a week after his 10th birthday. It seemed like a normal day, but when he went downstairs from his bedroom, he saw little dark creatures invading his house. He didn't know what to do, so he ran to the kitchen. When he got there, he saw two giant dark creatures. They were killing his parents right then and there. Dane was filled with fear, so he ran off during it, knowing that he couldn't do anything to save his parents. 5 years later, his world was almost completely taken over by darkness. He was the last one left, but he did not know that. Dane was trying to run, but the darkness was gaining fast. He remembered being completely enveloped by the darkness, which made him lose consciousness.

When he woke up, he was near a large white mansion. He had thought that he was dead, but instead he wasn't. Dane had no idea how he got to this strange place, but he was grateful to be alive. After asking the locals where he was, he found out that he was at Traverse Town, the place where people who lost their worlds would go. Dane couldn't remember anything except what happened before he had blacked out. It seemed as if something were blocking his memory. Turns out that a little darkness got inside of him, and was blocking the memory flow, but he never found that out.

While in Traverse Town, he encountered a wizard who taught him dark magic. It took a lot of convincing, money, and sucking up to get him to teach it to Dane. His training went...Ok, but in order to learn the dark magic, he had to "let darkness into him", but he already had some in him. Also, he ran into a street musician who was able to teach him guitar and help him sing better. Dane now sometimes does these (playing guitar and singing) in his free time. After living a while in Traverse Town, he found an old man there, who was able to sell him a Gummy Ship for a cheap price. (This is not Cid) This ship, however, was a piece of crap. There were panels falling off of it and the engine was very weak. Even though the ship was in bad condition, Dane knew that it would atleast help him at some point. But after a few days of thinking, he decided to try and find his home world.

It took a few days, but finally the ship started up and he left Traverse Town. Only after a few minutes in space did his ship get attacked. It couldn't hold up and crashed into Twilight Town. He now resides there, searching for anybody that might have been from his planet.


Role Playing Sample: A gentle wind began to blow as the sun began to set across the horizon. On the clock tower, Dane watched it as it dissapeared behind the horizon. This usually calmed him at any time, even if he was already calm. He looksed down at the ground. If he fell, which had never happened to anybody, it would be about a 40 or 50 foot drop to his death. He got up slowly, taking in the night air, and slowly made his way down off the clock tower.

Dane wandered around the commons area. Not having a home, he usually just wandered around until he got tired, then found a small spot where he could rest. It was a tough life that way, but, being broke, he couldn't buy a house, nor pay rent to live in one. As he made his way over to the item store, he noticed a couple movements nearby. They were the size of some of the locals, so it was probably Hayner and the gang. Dane tried hanging out with them at one time, but he just couldn't stand Hayner. It was as if the king died and gave him the leadership spot.

The movements comtinues, but much quicker this time. It still seemed to be them, but Dane had his doubts. If it were dark and there were many movements, you must doubt that it's something normal, especially in this world. He made his way to the source of the movements, being as quiet as possible. As he got closer, then movements appear again, but this time in two different spots. Confused, he stopped and stood there for a second.

Suddenly one of the figures dashes tword him. It had amazing speed, but it wasn't fast enough. Dane leaped up and landed on it's shoulders. Trying to shake him off, it had the voice of someone familiar. "What is this?! Get off of me!" Dane jumped off of the figure and took out his flashlight. Shining it on the figure, he found out that it was a couple of neighborhood kids. These guys were always trying to cause trouble for Dane. "What the hell are you doing out here?!" The other three soon joined their leader. The leader was a pretty bluk guy, but was short for his age, which was 15. The next one was a girl who was Dane's height, but was only 13. The other two were twins. They were 12, but were amazing runners.

The leader glared at Dane. "What do you think we're doing?! We're having a night-time walk!" Dane just looked at him. "Look. As long as you don't bother me any more, I won't call the cops." He turned around and made his way over to the sandlot and the group watched him walk away, all but the girl glaring at him.

[Deleted]

You do not meet requirements on word counts in: History, personality, appearance and RP sample, so click this link to see the rules and requirements.

7 days to do that, then we'll continue to work on this.

[luigithebodyguard]

Alright. I fixed it. :3

[luigithebodyguard]

And By the way, sorry for being impatient. This is my first character profile application, so I'm kinda excited.

[Deleted]

A few hints for these edits:

• Details are key. Put as much of it in powers as you can.
  
• Every ability or spell he has must come with a price. Think of it like Anti Form in KHII, or possibly a recharge time for his spells. Drawbacks also work.
  
• Space out your RP Sample by making a new paragraph every time he or somebody else speaks.
  
• Me being the grammar Nazi that UI am, I have to say this. >3< The RP Sample and history have a few grammar problems. I see a lot of sentence fragments, which need to be revised. Also, in the RP Sample, I see a lot of use of Dane's name instead of stuff like "he". Also, use past tense terms, such as "heard" instead of "hears". This is a literate RP site, so we need you to know how to use proper grammar.

If you need it, look at some threads to get an idea of what type of grammar is used here.

Sorry if I sound negative, but I don't intend that. I am only trying to help further your RPing experience. :3

7 days~

[luigithebodyguard]

Alright. All done! :3 I really hope this one gets in.

[luigithebodyguard]

i also added color to the quotes. Blue for Dane and red for the other guy.

[Deleted]

Alright, good job on the grammar, yet I see some minor errors. O:

The powers look good, but the history confuses me. The letter is from the man in the red coat? Well, who is this man, because anonymous mysterious men don't just appear out of nowhere in these RP samples without detailed information on them.

Nix that part and come up with some more filler. Perhaps he went into Gummi Space out of curiosity or to just visit a new world?

Anyways, 7 days to edit~

[luigithebodyguard]

Alrighty. Dun and dun. :3

[Larxene]

Hey there Luigi! Mousey here, and I will be taking over for Chris.

I know Chris went over some things with you, but I hope you don’t mind if I go over some of them again with you.

Powers: I will have to agree with Chris, they check out. You kept them few and pretty straight forward, and the makes our job so much easier.

Personality: Checks out as well, though the grammar does bug me. We’ll cover that in the end though, since it’s kinda something you have going throughout the app.

History: I haven’t read it yet, but just one small pet peeve to just get off right off the bat: spacing. The block text is making it hard to read, so space out your paragraphs in the future. xD

Right, read the history.

First thing I would like to point out is that, even though Dane does not know his past up to a point, we as a staff would like to know it in the vent it’s something we cannot approve – this will save you grief later on when you reveal it only to find the staff says no and you already did so much with the character. So it would be greatly appreciated you include this past, and possibly why he does not remember it: we don’t accept unexplained amnesia.

Another thing that gets at me is his “tutors.” The musician I’m okay with, by the wizard teaching him dark magic? This needs to be explained more. The powers of Darkness can be dangerous, and some wizard out of nowhere teaches him dark magic? He obviously had an effect on Dane’s character, so we would like to know more about this dark wizard.

Also, these letters Dane is getting… even though he does not know who the letters are from, we must. Again, reason being so it can be approved in your character’s history. They are affecting your character, so we need to know these details. Details are key.

One last thing… Not everyone has Gummi Ships, so if Dane got one for cheap, it’d have to be a junk heap or the like. A heavy duty fix-her-upper.

RP Sample: This actually looks pretty good, though I still see traces of the more “Dane”s than “he”s problem floating about. There are also some simple grammar problems that bug me, and they can be applied to the whole profile.

Grammar Problems: The one major thing that bugs me throughout this entire profile is that I see a lot of listing. Dane this, Dane that, Dane jumped, Dane sat. Dane, Dane, Dane. It’s a simple thing, but it can get bothersome at times. It also very easily fixed. Simply revising your word order in the sentence can fix this, or combining some sentences into one – but avoid run-ons. Another thing is some sentences sound awkward. Best way to fix this is read-aloud what you have written. Does it roll off your tongue eloquently, or do you have a hard time fitting your mouth around it? If you have a hard time vocalizing it, revise until you can recite it like a Shakespearian actor. They are simple problems with simple solutions. :3

Overall this profile is looking good. If you’re role playing style has improved, feel free to update your sample. I might send you to the RP academy – depending on the final sample you present - just to get some writing quirks out of your system, but otherwise you’re looking okay – you will not need to stay there long if you keep up the good work.

Five days to edit, and when done please color your edits in purple for me to see.

Squeak! <3~

[luigithebodyguard]

Oh crud I just saw this today. 0_0 Guess I might not be able to reach the deadline due to things that I have to do. I'll try my best to, though.

[luigithebodyguard]

Yeah so I thought about it and I have decided to put this on hold. I have too many things going on in life right now and I just wont have much time for it. If I get a chance I'll try to make the changes, but right now it's just impossible. Sorry. :/

[Zephiris]

On hold for you. ;]

[luigithebodyguard]

Alright. I finally got around to changing it. I changed some of the history, took out some abilities, and changed the rp sample.

*crosses fingers*