Ray

[wallweaver]

Name:Ray

Age:14

Gender:male

Species:Human

Position:neutral

Powers:
All part of his teachings of a gentleman, Ray was taught the basic uses of a rapier. His father taught him a series of techniques used for any light sword, some even beyond the 'syllabus'. Ray became a prodigy in this art, however is inexperienced in actual battle, and thus is useless in genuine combat.

Weapons:
Even before his eventful trip on the RLS Renegade, he was trained to wield a sword. He was given his own sword when he was but ten years old by his father.
The blade's shape is like that of an Italian rapier, with a curved edge. It bears decorative engravings across it.
The hilt is again like that of a traditional Italian rapier. It is formed from a decorative series of curves and weaves of golden metal to protect and to entrance. It bears no cross-guard.

Picture:

Appearance: An 'almost' common 14 year old boy from the Montressor spaceport. He bears black hair, spiking slightly around the edges, with fairly over-grown side burns. Despite his lack of care for it, it has always naturally formed this style in default.

With a confident face, Ray is usually seen bearing a content, serious face, almost frowning and sometimes lifeless. But when working or day-dreaming, he can be seen either practising with his sword with a stern expression as his father, or with an almost blank, but solemn expression.
He is always seen wearing the same clothes.

He wears a red-ochre suit, with a similar coloured cravat on an open collar. underneath there is a black waistcoat with buckles on the shoulders. A silver pocket watch also hangs from his waistcoat pocket. A white shirt in worn underneath with no flapping sleeves, but a series of circular cuffs pin the sleeves. His belt bears two separate buckles which sway down to his knees on both sides of him to bear his sword. He wears (again) red-ochre trousers and constantly polished black, pointed shoes.


Personality: Ray, being raised a formal gentleman, is pompous, cocky, picky, and fairly curious. Childhood and it's attributes however dull this however with innocence. He likes to think he is experienced, and can take on any situation. Unless approached by an authority, Ray looks down on commoners, but the thought is slightly tainted by his curiosity to know of them before full judgment.

If Ray was to confront an enemy who meant physical harm, of course he would take on the challenge with confidence (more or less, despite the nervous twitch of limbs), finding himself with hand on the floor and no sword in hand.

On situations like this where disputes on any value take place, Ray usually depends on his father to drag him out. His father has somewhat regretted spoon-feeding his son in some aspects, but Ray is yet to learn to defend both himself and others.

He has never had friends on a very high level. 'Financial and social acquaintances' would fit the title more to those who are without disputes with Ray. He has only attempted to defend but one person, but the results were not very appealing. When inexperienced, Heartless should only be approached with a Keyblade, an item absent in this situation. Since then, Ray has feared both the heartless and has feared protection.

This fear does not point to the aspect itself, but to Ray's use of it. His atrocity to protection has caused him to try to avoid it altogether. This partially explains why he has never had a 'true' friend ever since. Defense on all levels is something Ray is sure to frequently encounter on his travels.

Ray has always been curious of the outside world, like many other teenagers. Despite his noble duties, this particular childhood desire always tugged on his sleeves. Reading books showed him the known universe via holograms, but he still longed to see and experience these places with his own eyes.

He is not a very good learner through other people, unless their teaching skills are some-what prodigious, but his self-teaching skills are in fact on this level. Once begun, Ray can easily delve into his research and efficiently learn off any book or artificial data (computer documents, books etc.). Intellectually this has made him capable of the world for a pantheon of real-life problems, but this still renders him useless socially.

His study has raised his intellect to the level that he can calculate what someone may be thinking, or their motives on actions, but these are simply calculations; and if Ansem couldn't predict the heart through this method, it is very unlikely Ray can do the same and succeed in predicting the actions of the heart.

The word 'friend' and 'heart' have little meaning to him. He has always thought friendship as a superficial bond between two beings which only barres a series of solution. Ray sees this pointless, to limit the amount of methods to solve a problem. But childhood says otherwise. Friends, a thing he has never truly experienced. He wishes to experience the motive of 'loving and being loved'.

Of course his father loved him, but that isn't a 'friend' on dictionary perspective, a side Ray likes to use to obtain optimum accuracy. One friend has been available to him, but as said earlier, that didn't quite turn out so well. This feeling is but a small candle-light, but it's his choice if he wishes to blow it out.

original world:Montressor

Current world:Twilight Town

History: Ray has always lived on Montressor spaceport. Living the life of a noble-man's son, he was always safe from all manners of harm, despite gentlemanly discipline.

He went to the planet Montressor regularly, but not for leisure or for the visit of a family friend, but only for school (after all, why would there be any form of 'school' in a spaceport?). This particular school was not the best in the galaxy, however it was the best on Montressor, and Ray's father was paying extra for better teachers and better effort.

Despite all this however, Ray learned a majority of his studies in the spaceport in his father's pandemonium of books where he could read and learn with full enthusiasm where he can't be bored by what Ray thought as the 'intellectually discouraging' teachers of Montressor.

When Ray turned nine, his father began to teach him of the sword. Of course he had no purpose of Ray using this skill in real battle, but only for performance on certain occasions. Until he was thirteen, he would only use a practice fencing rapier. The techniques in themselves were found easy to learn, however use of them in an un-choreographed duel would be difficult to master.

Despite his prodigious intellect and wealth, he remained a bit of a loner. In breaks he would remain alone on a swing on the peak of a cliff whilst everybody else raced on their solar surfers in the gorge. But only one boy approached him by the time he turned eleven.

The boys name remained anonymous, for Ray had never asked of it, and the boy had never announced it. However their relationship flourished and remained like this for a few months (of course Ray did not reveal this to his father for he could predict the consequences).

One night however Ray received a message from this boy. It had told him to travel to the gorge. Eager to know what awaited him there, he took a solar boat and sailed to the mouth of the gorge, to the swing. The two met each other there, and Ray was demanded to take him to the depths of the great pit, for he had heard strange noises at night. Believing it was a ghost, they sailed down to the darkness and landed on a wide ledge.

However the noises weren't ghosts after all. When they had reached the bottom of the crevice, they saw malevolent, yellow eyes. Heartless had been gathering here. They immediately ran back for the boat, but by now the boat was on a tall, rocky ledge. Ray drew his sword, and attempted to fight off the demons. But he was too weak, and too scared. Instead his friend picked up Ray's sword when he was weak, and began making random slashes at the heartless. At first, they were slightly timid; but after but a few minutes, they sprang at the boy and fed on his heart. Ray's eyes closed at the sight of a hoard of heartless, and a hand limping out of the fray.

That morning he woke up in a hospital, his father sitting in a chair beside him, bearing a stern, but worried face.

By the age of twelve he was intelligent, fit, and his manners had become that of a gentleman. But he still remained a childish, curious boy who longed for the outside world. His father had always told him about the people on the Planet Montressor. They were said to be rude, stupid, undignified and uncivilized. From these worlds Ray has had a instinctive tendency to hate the commoners of the universe. But a part of him wished to meet these people himself. He longed to see the universe, to meet his father's words with his own eyes.

He pleaded his father if they could travel to a planet, where he could experience what he had read in so many books and heard from so many stories. After hearing the story of Treasure Planet however, this superficial desire would become reality.

This story above all else was the most thrilling of all. Despite it's popularity with the common people slightly degraded him, he was nevertheless fascinated by the simple adventure in the story; how "Flint swooped in out of nowhere, and vanished, without a trace".

On Ray's thirteenth birthday, he would be in for a surprise. At noon, he and his family spoiled themselves in a feast, where at it's peak, Ray was gifted with a finely crafted sword (for description, see 'Weapons'). His father soon after announced quietly that they would take a trip to another neighboring planet as an answer to his request. Ray was thrilled to hear it.

Carrying his new gift, he quickly bundled a bag of possessions, as if he were to be migrating completely. Boarding the ship, he waved a final farewell to Montressor. The ship took off into the depths of space. However on the first hours of flight, the ship was attacked by, pirates. The crew were all killed, however Ray's father set him on an emergency boat before the ship itself was destroyed. Whatever his father's fate remains unknown.
Ray fled far through space for days, hunger eating away at both his flesh and sanity. When all of space seemed empty and bleak, without a single star or planet in sight, all of space flooded with blinding white light, surrounding Ray. When he awoke, he found himself in the courtyard of Twilight Town.
All he wants is to get back home, but conscience tugs a familiar itch which will lead him otherwise.

Questions/Comments/Suggestions?

Roleplaying sample
Once again he sat on the same, brown rusted swing as he had done for the past year in this atrocious school. It may be the best on the planet but showed no sign of class at all besides the occasional chandelier. No friends to chat with, no solar surfer to impress with. Only a razor sharp rapier ready to behead any commoner who tried to beg money off him or any other approach of the sort.

So far no-one had dared. But that would change. Ah, a commoner. Brave, but in vain... this particular boy was dressed like many of the rest. A shabby, dirty human boy. Griping the hilt of his blade, Ray prepared to strike.

Now when you greet someone as a first impression, you usually announce your name and shake your approacher's hand. But what met Ray's eyes hit him like a bullet.
'You're a bit of a loner, aren't you?'

He didn't know quite what to do. This was completely unexpected. Besides cutting his throat, but still with his hand of the blade, turned his head and said, 'What did you say?' He said this in a fashion as he had heard many professors do before.

'Ah, don't worry, I'm not the most popular guy either, but I ain't surprised about you, with your fancy blade and hat and all.'

From that he realized he had been wearing his hat all this time, concealing his face. Removing it, he showed the sternness of his face.

'The hair too. Boy, if I had hair like that, the girls would be chasing me dawn till dusk. Wouldn't you say?'

he simply raised an eyebrow to the comment, for he did not understand the pun, or whatever it was.

'Not much of a talker, are you? I heard you debate all the time with the professors. I never really listen though, it usually drags on too much.'

Oh god, Ray thought, father was right, commoners... they just don't stop talking! In an attempt to silence the peasant's mouth, Ray thought it best to change the conversation. 'I haven't really seen you around have I? Do we both attend the same class?'

'Yeah, but I've been here ages. Almost 8 times the amount of time you've been here. But this is only the first time we've talked.'

Looking into the distance, Ray said, blankly 'I see.' Blinking in awareness, he carried on the conversation to once again cease voice from the peasant's mouth, 'I have never seen you particularly surfing in the gorge. Why is that? Do you not have a solar surfer?'

'Nah. I'm neither clever enough or wealthy enough to 'ave a solar surfer. But you're nice and rich, ain't ya? You should be 'avin' a nice shiny solar surfer.'

A nerve of excitement pulsed on Ray's neck. The thought of flying a solar surfer, to be able to experience the thrill of it! The thrill was uncontrollable, he had to think of something fast, something classy... 'but I guess we ain't classy enough for you though, eh?'

Finally, a relieving comment to relinquish childhood thoughts. But Ray was a child, wasn't he? He could do what he wanted and get away with it. The sheer audacity of it! But his father thought better of him, and he intended to keep that.

'Yes, you are correct. Why should I mingle with such as you?'

'Because you misjudge some of us for who we truly are.'

Ray's eyes squinted at the comment. He scoffed, then smiled gleefully. 'Do I now.'

'Yes. For instance, you misjudged me simply because of the way I dress and my settlement. You did not consider my lack of use in an atrocious, homely accent and, in your case a 'surprisingly' large vocabulary. Some of the professors also are cleverer than they look. They quiver and stammer in your presence because they are afraid of the potential consequences. Their true knowledge is faltered because of your lack of empathy.'

This lecture did not change Ray towards 'commoners'. However it did change his opinion on the boy.

'You demonstrate intellectual value. I'm impressed.'

'Not really. Smarts ain't really a thing to be proud of 'ere in most parts. I 'ear there's a lad in the Benbow Inn just a few miles from here who, knows a thing or too. Built his own solar surfer when he was eight. But e's a bit of a loner. Like you' Even though he was smarter than he looked, his provincial accent still sullied his speech.

This seemed new. Intelligence is looked down on by commoners. No wonder this place is such a dump. The gears in Ray's mind clicked and whirred. There was much to be learn.

From that the bell rung. The sound seemed to ring all across Montressor, for the solar surfers came flooding back in.

'Alright, that's our cue. We best be going now.'

'Indeed.' Levering himself with his sword, the two trotted down the cliff to meet the others. Even though he did not realise it now, this was to be the beginning of a very important relationship.

[Zephiris]

Hello, I'm Zeph. I'll help review your profile. (:

Notes on powers;

- "But eliminates almost any foe at touch of beam." That's borderline powerplay. Tone that phrase down to 'causes significant damage for average foes' or something of the like, and the ability works fine.

- You have the same issue with your second limit. We won't allow automatic killshot abilities. Also, thrusting someone into space is a little extreme for the KH universe. Please put a more reasonable range on this power.

Weapons;

Please put reload times in form of posts, which is an easier way to judge in battle.

The rest of your weapons seem far too powerful for a starter character. Generally, you want room to grow. A pistol would be a better start for a guy, to be honest. But if you like what you've got, add many drawbacks, such as decreases in accuracy, malfunctions between commands from Ray's brain and his cyborg arm, slow rate of fire, dizzying affects of rapid fire, a limit in mechanical charge, ect. Note that I have not yet read the rest of your profile, so I cannot use it to help you out with fashioning a better arsenal that leaves room for growth.

For the rest: please go through and insert extra line breaks between paragraphs throughout the remainder of your profile, for readability. On forums like these it's painful to have to read through solid blocks of text. I'll look over them afterwards.

Thank you - four days to edit or ask questions.

[wallweaver]

Okay, edits completed.

[Zephiris]

Oh, sorry, but this was brought to my notice by another staff member. Somehow I missed it.

Your kid is fourteen. I don't know about you, but I couldn't do much more than shoot a bow and arrows at summer camp when I was that age. I'm going to have to ask you to either drastically lower your characters abilities, simply due to his age, or change his age. Your history doesn't align well with his age, either. Skill such as the ones you mention, with all this technology crafting and whatnot, should take years to develop! You don't even mention any education, how he learned to do these things. One isn't born with the talent for technology and gizmos and whatnot, they develop it.

Furthermore, I'd like you to recall the mental capacities of a fourteen year old human. I don't think some parts of your personality would fit too well. In general, just go over the timeline of his history, try to align each piece with his actual childhood and his years, then edit the personality if you need to accordingly.

On to technical things -

Please don't put bits of RP into your history. We need the facts, not a narrative of events. This, for example, ought to be scrapped or relocated:

"His heart pounded with adrenaline. But this would soon change. Blue flares sparked from his barrel, when a laser ball shattered a mast like rotting timber."

Sum up this by what happened, why, and the consequences. No need to take us into the moment in this part of your application.

Also, your RP sample is still single spaced. Please put another line break between each paragraph like you did above. (I know that's not how paragraphs normally go, but that's how we do it here for legibility.)

In general: I'm starting to lose a grip of my understanding of your character. Think of him as real. I see you've done well to incorporate story with him, so he's not just a fighting machine, but I need a bit more believability, and his lack of years definitely threw me off, despite all his noted experiences.

I suggest reworking him a bit. If you need more finite instruction or clarification, feel free to ask. A conversation may yield better results then me just listing things that don't make sense to me. Either way, you have 5 days to respond.

[wallweaver]

Okay, I think these edits are complete. I'm not entirely sure however (if the edits still have flaws) how I should align history to personality. I think I've done it right this time.

[Zephiris]

Okay. By 'drastically lower his abilities', I kinda mean something along the lines of give him one weapon, zero to one limits, cut the ability to shoot a hundred blasts before reload, ect.

By the way, I had to consult with some people about this (since I haven't watched Treasure Planet for years), but it is apparent you have some canonical issues with the movie in your history. Do not have your character associate with the people and events from the planet - it doesn't stay true to canon information. Billy Bones had no friends or family, for example. Please edit all this out.

[wallweaver]

Okay edits complete. One limit break, one weapon, and Bones and Silver erased.

[Zephiris]

Looking much better!

I understand his technical prodigy; however, smithing is both a physical science and an art, unlike mechanics, and to me fourteen is much too young to have perfected the swordmaking craft well enough to forge a useful enough weapon (one that won't break immediately, bears the artsmanship of design, ect.). Perhaps you ought to mention that one was given to him, rather than made.

You also still talk about canon information in your History! You cannot have anything related to the movie being affected by characters of your own creation, I'm sorry. He cannot be seeing the map, so you'll probably have to make a few more edits. However, he can hear rumors of the route from someone else.

I'm a bit confused as to how he landed in Twilight (which isn't badly infested with Heartless, by the way - it's one of the more peaceful worlds. I'd suggest switching to Traverse). It seems fine, but just to clarify - his solar suit is capable of teleporting between worlds? How so? You specify he uses it as a means of travel in the weapons section, but a bit vaguely.

Hand of the Cosmos confuses me. Basically, you can teleport about who you please to wherever you please, even outside of the world's barriers? This ability is acceptable, but not to that point. You should not be able to traverse an intact world barrier without some Gummi device. I'd suggest putting a range on it in a matter of yards, or perhaps say that the greatest distance you can teleport anyone would be the distance of difference districts in a town, such as from Sunset Hill in Twilight Town to Station Heights, or District I to District III in Traverse Town.

What kind of damage do you say this does to victims? 'Dispersing atoms' is a little confusing. Is it basically the equivalent of being hit by a laser? Burning? Having the ability to actually vaporize parts of a character is a little. . . much. Especially this sentence:

"Inflicts major damage on foes, always destroys at least one limb. "

I'd say inflicts major damage on average foes, since I doubt a powerful Nobody like Xemnas, made entirely of Nothing, would have much of an issue. That second part of the sentence is also too definite. Say the typical effects of being hit by his Limit break, not a 100% assured outcome.

So I need a bit more clarification, ect. You're getting close. Four days to edit.

[wallweaver]

Um, the Hand of the Cosmos and the solar suit teleportation.are both only possible when in possession of the Map.
If you watch the movie, on Treasure Planet, it is revealed that Flint had a device (using the Map) allowing him to teleport to any world, thus defying the gummi wall.
So if it's okay to keep contact with the map, then I can keep these functions, if not, please tell me.
Besides that, edits complete.

[Zephiris]

Well, those make sense now that you explain it. However, I'm relatively sure contact with the map shouldn't be allowed, but I'll double check with some staff if you'd like. I'll get back to you later today.

The pulling-atoms-apart still isn't clear. What is the affect on the opponent who has undergone this? Can the atoms pull themselves back together after a few posts? Or for stronger opponents, is the effect only temporary? Or do whatever pieces of the person that have been vaporized stay gone forever (which wouldn't be allowed)? (Now, in saying this, I assumed that the blackout and mental recovery you talked about were for Ray, not the opponent.)

[wallweaver]

Okay, edits complete.

[wallweaver]

Okay, edits complete.

[Zephiris]

Oh, did you remove the Map entirely from you History? I think you would have had to do so anyway, so I'm glad you took the initiative. Looks good in that sense. Seriously, excellent edits, you had to rework a lot. Sorry it took so long to get back to you - you're almost there.

Heartless only begin to appear in a short span before they destroy a world. You have them appearing before he turns eleven, years before they're even a problem in the Kingdom Hearts timeline. And you don't mention the world being taken over by the Heartless.

Now, the only problem with the Treasure Planet world is that it is made up of individual planets. However, this whole galaxy as one is considered a world in our KH universe. It takes a gummi ship to leave that cluster of space and planets to travel through our 'space' and get to Traverse Town. However, you can have creative license on this one! I had a character fly an airship so high it reached a rip in the world, and in a blaze of light he was dumped onto Twilight Town. Without the airship. You can do something similar with Ray. Perhaps he flew long and far in the universe, but then Darkness began shadowing the planets and he was lost in it.

Hopefully that makes sense! Feel free to ask questions.

[wallweaver]

Yeah, okay. So if I was to include the heartless, which time in Ray's timeline should I include them?
And if the whole Treasure Planet galaxy would be one world, how far exactly would I have to travel?

[Zephiris]

Actually, a staff member brought up other options for that second point. They could also be a series of worlds connected by one Heart, and one barrier. Your choice. As far as how far, that's up to you. You can just say 'really far'. xD Or just have the worlds be taken over by Heartless, plopping Ray somewhere else.

I'd put the Heartless in first a year or so before current time, probably.