Instruction: baili0411

[Jason Arilani]

Welcome to the Roleplaying Academy, Baili. I am Jason, and I will be your instructor today. As I see this by request that you wish to join the academy, I am greatly pleased. I have read over your profile that you submitted, including your Roleplaying sample. Now then... At this time, I'd like if you make a sample intro post. It's the start of a new thread and you have to make the first post to explain where you are and what's going on around you. If you mess up something and post it DON'T GO BACK AND EDIT IT[/u]. I'd like to see it in it's first state. If you have to ask a question at any time, feel free to do so.

I will be joining your "thread" as one of my characters, to be determined after your post is made. At that point, I will have, in italics, anything that I feel you need to work on. So go ahead, and let your creativity shine!

[baili0411]

Before I start my post, I want to thank you for replying me so early. My post will start, now.
"Uh,"Albus groaned, as he got up from his unconscious. "Where am I?"
Albus got up and looked around. He couldn't see a thing. The room was dark, almost pitch black. He touched the floor, it was made of stone.
"Great, at least I'm not in some wild place where countless animals will kill me,"Albus thought. "Or am I?"
Albus pulled out his sword, and felt his way around the place. He tried for a long time, but he couldn't touch anything. Not a wall, a pole or even something that was randomly put there.
"Where am I?"Albus asked himself. "How did I end up here?"
But it's no use. He couldn't remember anything before he ended up unconscious, only earlier memories. He sat down, and Albus began to think about how he could light up this place. He wanted to scratch his head, but he felt that he touched something else. He tried to get it of his head, but he could only slightly move it. When the thing moved, he saw slight light.
"This thing must be covering my head!"Albus thought. "Why didn't I notice?"
Albus then tried his best to get the thing of his head. He tried, and tried.

[Jason Arilani]

[Alright, not a bad start. A couple of key things to note:

1. If you have anything that happens to be out of character such as "Before I start my post, I want to thank you for replying me so early. My post will start, now." it is best if you separate it from the rest of your thread either with a line in between or by surrounding it in some form of bracket such as (), [], {}, or <>. Either will be fine if you use it and it makes it easier to tell what is a post and what is your notes. You could also put "OOC:" before hand. Adding all that, it would change what you had originally posted, to this...

[OOC: Before I start my post, I want to thank you for replying me so early. My post will start, now.]

See?

2. Another part is also dividing up your lines. Right now, you have them separated, but it still can be slightly difficult to read. The first two lines could be combined as well. Most new paragraphs come from a different thought, or the start of new lines of talking. Adding a blank line in between paragraphs can generally make things easier to read and more pleasing to the eye.

Other then that, there were a few other things I saw, but I want to take it just a few steps at a time. This is as much training for me as it is for you as I have yet to train someone to Roleplay. Now for my entrance.][/i]

---

A smirk appeared on the thug's face as he watched his new captive squirm, trying to get the small bag off of his head. Walking forward, he delivered a swift kick to the side of the man. "Quit your quirming! The boss won't like it."[/color] He said with a laugh as he stood back and continued to watch him. There was little the guy could do to stop this and the boss would be in soon enough.

And within the next minute, there he was. A big burly man had walked into the room, smoking a large cigar with two even bigger men behind him. He looked toward the thug and nodded as the smaller man left the room. Laughing slightly, the boss started to speak, unleashing a thick cloud of smoke right into the face of Albus. While the bag was thick, it wasn't thick enough to block the smoke that came from his mouth.

"Well well well.... What have we here? You were in my territory and I couldn't have that. Now... Tell me who sent you and I might have the heart to release you. Don't talk... well... Let's just say you don't want to know what happens to people who defy me."[/color] He said with another hearty laugh. The men behind him did not move, knowing they were there to protect the boss and do whatever they were ordered. No emotion came from their faces, not that Albus could see it anyway. The boss had a feeling that today was going to be a fun day...

[baili0411]

Albus coughed as he smelt the smoke that went inside the bag. Even though the kick was pretty strong, the bag's thickness absorbed some of the power. He knew that there are other people around. He thought carefully about how to deal with the situation.

"Alright, alright. Nobody sent me here, at least I forget. The last thing I remember is that I tripped on a rock and fell down a cliff. I just blacked out. So even if anyone even sent me here, I probably forgot my objective or something. Can you let me go? I wouldn't even want to stay here for a minute. I'm hungry." Albus replied. He checked that his sword was still there. He tried to hear some more voices, so he could know that how many people were in the room. He thought that if he couldn't get out like this, he might need a little force.

[OOC: You said that don't go back and edit where I messed up, so did you mean that I just remember my mistakes, and I use them correctly next time. Or I have to repost the part again. I think that it is the former.]

[Jason Arilani]

[It is just so that way you realize the mistakes and so I can see any possible mistakes you've made. Also, I do apologize for the length it's taken me to reply to this. Had some rough times going on in real life. Anyway... Time to continue.

That last post was a lot better. Let's see how else we can improve.]

---

The Boss stood back a little bit as he listened to the man's words. He looked to his flunkies and nodded once to each one. As they walked forward, they would try to grab the man's arms and pull him to his feet, the bag still snug over his head. With his hands tied behind his back, Albus would have little chance at resisting and most likely would be pulled up easily.

"So you say you don't remember anything, eh?"[/color] The boss started to say before letting loose a hearty laugh. "Now that is just too rich! You expect me to believe some bull story about you falling off a cliff because you tripped on a rock?! HA! No one... Not even a FOOL would believe suck a story. Maybe my men here might have to make you remember..."[/color] He said as the sound of metal could be heard. The two men drew their own swords and moved the blades to Albus' neck. They didn't press down or cut him. They merely rested the cool metal against his skin so he would feel what it was that they could do.

"Now then... I'm gonna ask you one more time... Who are you? Who sent you? And what were you doing in my territory?!" He said, his patience wearing thin. He hated when people defied him, and this man was no different then any other opposing group.

[baili0411]

[That's OK.]

Albus didn't argue about that. Even himself can't blame the guy for not believing. Unless anyone had saw it, no one could have believed it. The ice cold blades on his necks made his teeth shiver a bit.

"Wait a second, I'm not an idiot who runs around a cliff to trip on a rock. There must be a reason!"Albus thought. He began to think, there was someone he was chasing. He tried to think more, but there was no way he could tell who they are by voices.

"Ok, so I was chasing someone, then I stepped on a rock and slipped. But, I don't know much about the someone I was chasing except for the group name. I might have to know who are you, or I will be giving you totally wrong stuff,"Albus replied, knowing it probably wouldn't work. At least it's better then struggling in this kind of situation.

[Jason Arilani]

[Good post once again. Right now, it's just a few grammar, tense, and spelling issues with your post. For instance, in this post...

First Paragraph: Himself should be he. Can't should be couldn't. Saw should be seen. Necks should be Neck.

Second Paragraph: Are should be were. "He began to think, there was someone he was chasing." should have "..." instead of the comma, and "there" should be capitalized to show a new sentence.

Third Paragraph: "...who are you," should be "...who you are," "Then" should be "Than"

Keep in mind that this RP is done in the 3rd person, past tense, almost as if you are telling someone a story. Overall, the idea of the post is good. But just keep in mind the changes I told you for your next post.]

---

The boss looked at this man with wide eyes at the words. Did he take him for a fool? "YOU expect ME to tell you my group's name? HAH! You're even more stupid than I originally thought!!! Had I told you the name of the group, you would know if I was your enemy. Tell me the name of the group you were after or I'll kill you on the spot!"[/color] He said, slamming down his cane on the ground. He was starting to lose all patience with this man and was about ready to give the order to slice his head off. People always underestimated him.... He always showed them their mistake...

[Apologies for the short post]

[baili0411]

[It's OK. I will keep the mistakes in mind next time, English is not my naive language, I might need to proof-read my posts next time.]

"Of course it wouldn't work!"Albus thought. He couldn't think of any other plan. He didn't really know what group he needed to chase. He only knew the guy he had to chase had a strange uniform. A smell passed through the vent, and Albus knew what the smell was. It was the chocolate cake he wanted to get!

He was going to get it for his friend's birthday, and the friend was a girl he sorta liked. She liked chocolate cake. He found out that the bakery had sold out the last chocolate cake, and her birthday party was going to start in 1 hour. The staff told him the guy who bought it. Albus was going to try if he could convince him to give him the cake. Albus chased him all around, and they got near a cliff. Albus didn't notice he was near the edge of the cliff, and fell off.

Albus told them about the uniform he was wearing, the symbol, and the small alphabets that Albus thought might be the name of the group. He closed his eyes, and concentrated on his neck. The blades were still, but they could chop his head off anytime. Even though it is hard, especially when he couldn't see anything and his hand were tied up, he was going to try to dodge away when they were really going to chop.

[Jason Arilani]

[Wow... I must say that you have great determination. I saw that you had logged in just today, most likely to see if I had posted. I am so sorry that it took me this long to get this post up here. From now on, please, I beg of you, PM me if I take more then a couple of days, and keep bugging me about. I get an email for each PM and I will take notice. I'll work on not taking as long with making these posts, but we aren't perfect.

Overall, you've done very well. I liked this last post and I think you might actually be able to leave soon. There are two more things that I would like to do. One is to work on Dialogue and the other is description. First is Dialogue. I'm going to bring in one of my characters and help out so we can chat. Sound good?][/i]

The boss started to grumble a bit. He wasn't too pleased with the way that this man was acting. He gave a short nod before holding up his hand. "I see. I see... It's such a shame, but your time ends now."[/color] He said, his hand starting to lower. Suddenly, Albus would hear sounds of pain as the swords would no longer be pressed against his throat. Silence soon followed these sounds before someone ripped the bag off of the head of Albus. The bright light would most likely blind him briefly, but then he would see a man standing before him, a smile on his face.

"Seems I was right to come after all. You have no reason to worry. You're safe now. Are you okay?"[/color] Said the man. He would show to Albus his appearance as one completely covered in the color silver. Silver shirt, shoes, pants, long hair, eyes, even a large silver trenchcoat and a staff held in his hand. The staff had black writing that wouldn't make sense to Albus as it was an ancient language. Jason awaited a response from the man before him, while also holding out a hand to try and help him up. If Albus looked around, the bodies of the men who interrogated him would be laying there, unconscious.

[baili0411]

[OOC:Thanks, just simply checking if you had posted yet is not much work, but on the other hand, replying always takes me some time. I'm great with you bringing your characters in. By the way, I noticed that Albus is also the first name of Dumbledore, didn't knew that before.]
Albus stared at the bodies of the people who threatened him. "Thank you for getting out of that stuff. I'm good,"he said to the man."My name is Albus, what's yours?" Albus reached for his sword, it was still there."Oh, and can you lead me out of here? I have no idea how to get out."

[Jason Arilani]

[It's a little on the short side. Try to explain more about what happened in your post. Describe what he saw when his eyes were able to see, the thoughts going through his head as the boss had said to kill him. All of that stuff would turn that post much better. A couple of grammar errors as well. Try to keep track of them and make sure they aren't there before you post][/color]

Jason smiled at the responses. So they had not harmed, at least not much anyway. Jason had come just in time. A second later, and the man probably wouldn't be alive. Next came an introduction. Albus, huh? Jason quickly logged the name to memory, being sure not to forget it. He watched as the man reached for his sword and wondered if he was trusting of Jason. Probably not considering his name had yet to be said, but Jason would soon gain his trust. That much was certain.

"My name is Jason Arilani, and yes... I'm sure I could help you out of here. Shall we then?"[/color] He said as he motioned toward the door. His staff rested in his hand, ready to fight anything that might come after him as an alarm suddenly went off. He looked toward the leader of the group and he had woken up and pressed a button. He looked very weak from the beating given by Jason, but he smirked and said "Good luck gettin out now!"[/color] Jason delivered a swift kick to his right temple, knocking him out instantly, but the alarm continued to ring.

"Albus... I need to know... You have a sword at your side, but can you use it? Can you fight?"[/color] He asked. Things could get ugly if they weren't careful. But Jason had no doubt that the two could get out easily.

[baili0411]

[Sorry, that last one was a bit rushed.]
"Yeah, but no practical experience."Albus said as he searched around the room. The room was emptier than he thought,and he didn't find anything in the guards' pocket. He pulled off a helmet and pulled out a spare sword from one of the guards. He was not sure that they had other protective gear, but they probably won't fit at all. He pulled out his own sword. "Alright, let's go."Albus said to Jason as he moved towards the door.
Albus thought that he might have trouble here, but after he looked at the bodies again, he thought otherwise. Jason probably has some more tricks under his sleeve, or he is just skillful. Albus had never met with anyone that can defeat three guys that weren't weak with only a staff. After he saw Jason, who didn't looked worried at all, Albus thought that his theory was right, and that he could get out.

[Jason Arilani]

[Ugh... Why does it always take me so long to post? Anyway, once more, the post is just a little short. You really want to be descriptive with your posts. Roleplaying is a reactive kind of Hobby. I can only work so much off of what you post, and you can only work so much off of what I post. Though I do understand how things turn out. This should be good within the next couple of posts. This round will be about fighting. Several guards will be coming your way and I want you to use your words to describe what you see in regards to a fight scene in your head. Okay? Try to look at how I post and see how well you can do.]

With a soft nod, Jason moved next to Albus who had stood next to the door. His staff quickly hit the door to pop it open a bit before he pushed it open all the way. Three guards stood directly in front of the doors, one having been hit by the door as it opened. Jason quickly stepped in front of Albus and spun his staff over his head. The large metal rod quickly swung down, slamming right into the side of the far left guard. Things were about to get interesting as Jason's other hand reached into one of the inner pockets of his trenchcoat and pulled out a crystal ball. Extending it forward, it glowed a deep red color before releasing a decent sized fireball toward the middle guard.

Spinning on his heel, Jason threw his staff toward the far right guard before holding his hand up after it had hit the guard. The staff disappeared before reappearing in his hand. He spun once more, smacking the far left guard once more with his staff. The outer two guards were on the ground and weren't getting up any time soon, while the one who had been in the middle was running away, his clothing on fire from the fireball. More guards could be seen coming from down the hall as Jason looked back to Albus.

"Let's go. We have to start toward the exit. It shouldn't be far from here as this building isn't too big. Stick to the right and take out any guards that you see. Try to injure but not kill... We don't need to be mercenaries now."[/color] He said as he started down the hall, his feet almost gliding across the carpeted floors. Ten guards were starting toward them, and they had fanned out in a line, leaving 5 on the left and 5 on the right. Jason took toward the left group as he hoped that Albus would listen to what he had said. His staff spun toward the guards as he ducked down, attempting to trip up any guards that tried to attack. His crystal ball was thrust in the air as it glowed yellow, lightning falling from the ceiling onto the guards.

Running his hand over his staff, Jason said a small chant "The power of lightning at my command, strike down my foes as like a stream."[/color] He said as he thrust his hand forward. Lightning seemed to expel from his hand toward the guards as though a stream of water. The lightning struck two of the guards as the screamed slightly from the shocking power of his magical attack. With two down, his staff swung toward two others as he pushed one guard into the other. The two fell over as he released a fireball onto them. As they scrambled to put out the fire, Jason merely looked at the last one. These guards were not even worth fighting and this last guard dropped his sword as he ran off. Jason turned to look over at Albus and see how he was handling his group.

[baili0411]

[Sorry about not posting for a long while, I keep on forgetting about this. I knew that you posted for a long time, but I keep forgetting or get distracted by video games when I'm allowed to use the computer.]

"Not to kill..." Albus thought about it for a while. "Well, I probably have to be more careful." While he was thinking, one of the guards came up behind him and attacked him. Albus his balance and fell slightly foward. Albus followed with a slash towards his back, he pulled the sword back after he hit him, leaving only a cut. Albus followed with a kick and knocked the guard onto the ground.

"Four left!" Albus thought. He gazed at the other 4 guards. He carefully approached them. Walking for a while, he sprinted at the guards and swiped his sword at them. He only hit one of the guards. The guard got hit in the chest. Albus stared as he fainted in pain. When Albus noticed, he was already surrounded by the other guards. Albus stood in place, and stared at the guards. The guards charged at him. Albus dodged with a jump, but his feet tripped on one of the guard's sword, and he fell down head first. The guards didn't stop in-time, and they knocked each other on the ground. Albus slammed into one of the guards into the wall, knocking him unconcious. The other two guards caught this as an opportunity and they attacked Albus. Albus got slashed in the back. Albus felt pain, but he pulled out the other sword he picked up, along with the sheath. He threw it right in the face in one guard. He jumped at the guard, grabbed the sword again, and smacked the guard in the head.

"Last one!" Albus shouted, and stabbed at the guard's hand, the guard dropped his sword, and ran away. Albus made sure the guards are still alive, and he nod to Jason. He then continued through the hallway.

[Zephiris]

Sorry, but Jason has taken his leave of WD for an indefinite amount of time. Would you like me to continue your lesson?

You've improved quite a bit. :]