In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
A special thank you to ChasingArtwork of Deviantart, who allowed us to use this stellar banner image.
There aren't enough praises in the world I'd like to give to wonderful coders for the Proboards community. The following have contributed to World Destiny in some way: W3 Schools for countless how-tos and countless of other souls who have helped get WD up to where it is.
The icons you see across the site are from FontAwesome, an amazing icon library.
All images on this site belong to their respective owners or creators. Kingdom Hearts: World Destiny does not claim ownership of anything except our unique story.
All Original characters are the intellectual property of their respective RPers. Do not steal any characters or other creative works.
All Canon Characters belong to the Kingdom Hearts franchise, Square Enix and Disney.
zepiris has told me to be in the academy so i would like training. even though i was surprised to be put in the academy i relize that i belong here so i look forward to be here. if posible i would like training from frekin luigi as kite because he has helped me a lot of my charater and knows me in real life. anyways thanks again and really looking forward to my training. also on Sunday and Monday of next week will be really weird and might not be able to be there, but i will try to be there.
Mog
Nov 21, 2011 20:14:26 GMT -4
Last Edit: Dec 12, 2011 19:24:21 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Luigi is not qualified for teaching at the RP Academy. I will contact your instructor, and when he is ready he will make a thread for your benefit and shoot you a PM.
ok i understand i will live without luigi hahaha. but i do look forward to my training. Also next week i will be busy and can't be on sorry for this but my schedule is really weird so i hope you can squeeze me in
Location: Twilight Town Relios walked out of his house and headed down to the sandlot, sat down and looked up to the sky “Man it’s strange today, what’s going on? Is it some sort of heartless or something?” He looks down at the ground to see that the whole sandlot was filled with shadows. “Gah, what the...where the heck did all these purebloods come from?” Relios stood up on the bench, unsheathed his sword and was ready to strike at any time “Come on you heartless bring it on” Relios jumped off the bench and started cutting every heartless he saw in his way “Agg! There are too many I can’t cut them all, also I’m not prepped and ready for this! Help!”
Warning: relatively large post here. xD I won't always bombard you with this much at once. Regarding structure:
First of all, on World Destiny paragraphs are spaced with two taps of the 'enter' or 'return' key. There should be a blank line between each. You can have a line of speech in the same paragraph of description if they correlate. If changing thoughts, make a new paragraph.
Regarding grammar:
You are missing some periods at the ends of sentences. Even inside quotes there should be end punctuation. Examples:
As a side note, Heartless are correctly spelled with a capital 'H'.
As another smaller, more complex piece of information; when making a new paragraph while the same person is still talking, you can omit the last quotation mark on the first paragraph. For example:
"Really wise words of wisdom I am saying," said Dumbledore, who tended to have very long-winded, multi-paragraphed speeches in Harry Potter. "It would be great of me to begin a new topic of conversation so I can show you what I mean.
"Here I go. Notice how that last quotation mark there seems to be missing? That's grammatically correct, believe it or not."
Regarding content:
Well, the setting in itself is a little extreme. Very likely there wouldn't be such a huge Heartless horde in Twilight Town unless something bad had taken place. However, this is purely a training run, so we can go with it for now.
One helpful thing to add in the first post of a new thread is detail about setting - in the post. Temperature? Time? If it's snowing - which it wouldn't be, being Twilight Town and all - that'd be good to know.
You have far too little description in comparison to the amount of dialogue you have. Don't just glaze over a bit of action. Go in depth with feelings, the senses, and observations of the world around him. Try replacing some flatter words with vocabulary that pops, and brings the action to the mind's eye.
You may also want to consider saying his words out loud, to see if they sound natural. I probably wouldn't say that last line, to be honest, in the midst of a fight. "I can't cut them all, also I'm not prepped and ready for this!" I'd most likely be like. "Damn, there's too many. . . I can't -" [cue being cut off by some lunging foe]
Speaking of which, he's cutting Heartless out of his way, but where is his 'way'? Where are you headed, what are your charrie's goals?
“Come on you heartless bring it on” Relios jumped off the bench and started cutting every heartless he saw in his way “Agg! There are too many I can’t cut them all, also I’m not prepped and ready for this! Help!”
Allow me to rewrite this roughly to show you a few of my tips in action:
“C'mon, Heartless. Bring it.”
Relios leapt off the bench and into the armada of darkness. His first thought was that he had thrown himself into a horde of furious cats, from the numerous scratches raking across his arms, legs, face; however, cats would never be so eerily quiet in their rage, and Relios was well aware his opponents were no felines. Gritting his teeth, he swung his sword in a broad arc. He could have cut down two or twenty, he had no idea; an instant later they surged upon him again, replacing their downed tenfold.
“Agh! There's too many of them, I can’t cut them all. I’m not ready for this!
"Help!”
What you do a good job of is giving the next poster something to respond to.
I'm not going to jump in the thread quite yet. With my tips in mind, try redoing your post and reposting it for practice.
Dec 13, 2011 20:26:35 GMT -4
Last Edit: Dec 13, 2011 20:32:47 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Relios walked out of his house into the cool mid-fall day. The temperature in the mid-40s to low 50s. He looked down to the sandlot and nodded his head. When he got to the sandlot he headed over to a bench on the far right side of the sandlot. Then he looked up to the sky and had a strange expression on his face.
“Hmm…the day fells weirder then other days. I wonder if it’s some kind of Heartless or something.”
Relios looked down to the sandlot to see a hoard of shadows standing in a square formation around the whole sandlot.
“What the!? Where did all these Heartless come from? I knew something was wrong when I looked up to the sky. Well I guess I have to get rid of all these Purebloods…alone.”
Relios looks up to the tram station and back to the shadows, unsheathed his sword and prepared for a tough match.
“Come on you Purebloods, give me all you’ve got!”
His heart racing Relios jumped up into the air and charged head first into the battalion on shadows. He killed about 10 shadows in his swain dive and charged head in to the heart of the shadow squad. His plan was to KO the outside of the group then to the heart ,but The screaming of heartless all over relios got to his head, he changed his strategy and headed strait to the heart of the battalion. Eager to kill all of the Heartless Relios not thinking slammed into a giga shadow.
“Uff! WH…what was that?”
Relios looked up to the giga shadow and his eyes became wide.
“Oh…my…god! A giga shadow!
The giga shadow whacked Relios to the right of the sandlot and Relios screaming in the air-
- Smaller numbers need to be written out. 'Ten', not 10; 'fifties', not '50s'.
- While it's good to specify the temperature, I wouldn't suggest doing so by mentioning degrees. Instead, explain the general feel of the area. (i.e, 'muggy and hot', 'crisp', 'comfortably warm'.) Mention your character's reaction to it. Are they shivering, sweating?
- Remember spaces come after commas.
And now I'll have my girl hop in.
- - -
Nyra paused mid-stride, arms flying out to balance her precarious position. Her browed furrowed in puzzlement. Was that a shout? The sound had drifted softly over the rooftops, so quiet she could have easily have missed it. The gold of her eyes flicked towards the general direction of the sound, and she strained her ears.
A whisper-soft 'help' floated towards her on the breeze.
The dark-haired girl nodded, all doubts banished. She quickened her pace along the ridge of the rooftop she had been traveling on, trotting as fast as she could without loosing her footing. At the end of the building she bunched downward, then leaped across a small gap to another. She traveled in a similar fashion for a bit until the jump to the next roof became too high to traverse; at this she leaped down from the building to a flight of steps, and took off at a sprint towards the sound.
The voice, she corrected herself. And it sounded like it was coming from the Sandlot.
As she approached, a flutter of foreboding caused her heart to skip a beat. Shadows seemed darker in her peripheral vision. As she turned the corner to face the familiar pit that was the Sandlot, Nyra's eyes flew open in alarm. The typically peaceful, sandy arena was obscured by a flow of black Heartless, to the right of which a boy was scrambling to defend himself. It was obvious he was the one to sound the alarm.
Nyra instantly flew forward to help. As the giant Shadow rose a claw to strike the boy again, the rusty blade of Nocturne rose up to meet it. After a few moments of tiring duel the creature dispersed back into darkness.
In their few seconds of reprieve, Nyra turned and helped the guy to his feet. She was panting, but didn't look as nearly as worn down as he did.
"You alright?"
Jan 21, 2012 13:19:13 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 21, 2012 13:20:45 GMT -4 by Zephiris
A moment later ten more Heartless Popped out of the armada and charged at the two with shadowed aura, leaving the other fifteen Behind them, not realizing that their bodies would be crushed.
" I'll take on these pests! Limit move! THUNDER BARRAGE!"
At the direct moment the Heartless came at Relios He charged his blade with electric and blasted the Heartless with blinding force knocking back the shadowed devils into five more behind them
"Huff, Huff, Huff, sigh. Now miss. Your name if you will please, before more come out of the swarm."
[OOC: Well, I'm going to join in from this point.]
"Take that!" shouted Albus as he sliced a shadow in the head with his sword. "That should be the last of them, it's pretty strange to see that many Heartless attacking me. Usually it's just a few."
After looking around to see if there are any Heartless around, Albus saw a stray Heartless running towards the Sandlot. "Well, why not? I have plenty of time anyways,"thought Albus, and he dashed after the shadow.
Albus followed the shadow until it arrived at the Sandlot. He then took the shadow out with a few slashes. He saw two figures there. Albus shouted out to them. "Hey, sorry if this bothers you two, but are there ridiculous amounts of Heartless around here? I think there's something strange around here. If you're also dealing with that, may I join you two? It's usually better if there are more people, right?"
@mog: Mention that he's huffing, or grunting, or breathing his words with a sigh. Don't type out sounds such as 'Huff' 'Sigh' 'Uff'.
You're also missing some punctuation. I spy periods missing at the end of more than half of your sentences. Remember to always read over your entire post (sometimes multiple times) before posting.
@baili: Good. Only one thing of significance to correct here - keep thoughts in italics, without quotes.
Alrighty. We're changing the game a bit here. I'm going to mod as the Heartless for this mock thread for a bit.
In actual RPing, it's advised to call up a staff member to mod as Heartless and Nobody mobs, to prevent powerplaying and to shake things up a bit. In these situations, remember to always write out an attempt at an attack, and the desired result, but don't actually depict whether or not it hit. That's for the opponent to decide. If the opponent seems to dodge too much, or doesn't take enough damage from a more powerful hit, let them know or contact a mod. Do not play the opponent's character(s).
Also, a note: there would almost never be this many Heartless about Twilight Town.
- - -
In a sudden onslaught of retaliation, the strange mass of black creatures had been depleted to nearly half of its original bulk. The reeled about in confusion, their claws slashing out at random.
A few wandered away from the crowd. Multiple were slashed down by two newcomers, a dark-haired female and another male. For a moment, the Heartless backed off.
But when it became evident no other attacks were forthcoming, the group of Shadows surged forward. Three in the front grouped around the lightening-wielder [Relios]. A few more aimed scratches at the young woman [Nyra], while the rest, a group of five, clustered about the newest male [Albus], lashing out with antenna and claws of darkness.
- - -
"Uh, Nyra," said Nyra, "Yours?"
She was confused. She'd been in Twilight Town since her crash-landing and encounter with Globber - nearly a week ago. And she had yet to see any of these Heartles. Not since Seed, anyway, and she had been under the impression that he was much, much more terrible than the Shadows. Still, a whole pack was odd.
During her contemplations another guy joined the fray. He seemed to share her confusion. "Yeah, it's strange. . . and, sure, join in the fun," she shouted back. Her voice was dry. There shouldn't be a need for more people. There shouldn't be any Heartless.
The creatures took their cue and launched back at them. Nyra suddenly found her arms lightly scratched, as if they had taken a swipe at her on their way to the men, but not bothered to face her directly. Oh, come on, she snarled in her mind. Then she raced forward to take a swipe at the crowd clustered around the newest combatant.
"Ya know, neither of you introduced yourself!" What's with men?
"The name's Albus," replied Albus. He gazed at the heartless, thinking of his next move.
Well, even if it's only a bunch of shadows, why would you even care about introducing first?Albus thought. He saw a group of five shadows surrounding him. He held his sword in front of him, and looking at each of the shadows. None of them seems like they're going to start attacking. Albus twisted his body, and did a spinning slash. He then jumped into the air, preparing to give the shadows a counterattack if they attempt to attack him.
"Hey, don't take this too serious yet. I saw you panting when I came here. We don't know if there are any other heartless. Better conserve our energy for that." Albus shouted out to the person beside the girl.
[ Alright heres the deal according to luigi i've been spelling Relios wrong it's accully Rilos :3]
"The names Rilos" said Rilos with a sigh in his voice. Wispering in his mind to Albus "Man i'm in pain and thats the first thing!" "Well with no more shadows to REALLY worry about i'll just be on my way.Thanks Nyra and Albus i wont for-"
Rilos was stuck mid-sentance when he saw a novashadow lep over the tall buildings landing on the shadows that survived.
With a surprised voice"What the! well I expeted this! come on lets go!" Rilos jumped up and a pain in his leg hit him. " Damnit! My leg!"
Well, Zephiris, I finished modifying the profile to something better, I also changed a little few details, though they are nothing big to seriously affect the character.
Name: Albus
Nickname: White
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Species: Human
Position: Neutral
Powers:
Dodge: With proper training and agility, Albus is able to dodge attacks easily. He can dodge several attacks with success as long as he isn’t distracted. He can’t dodge homing attacks or attacks that have wide range well.
Quick Blitz: Albus does a quick jumping attack, hitting his enemy from overhead.
Revenge: When Albus’s life is at risk, a spell cast on him will activate, giving him an aura that covers his whole body and his sword. The aura acts like a shield, and also makes him more agile and make his sword attacks more powerful. Deactivates after the risk is gone, but heavily wears down Albus’s body.
Pickup: With the special nature of his sword, Albus can easily find his sword when needed. He can also use something that is shaped similar to a sword, even just at the slightest bit, to summon his sword.
Weapon: A sword with marks carved on it. The marks look like a kind of ancient language. It also has a modified grip to prevent the sword from falling out the user’s hand easily.
Appearance: A young teen with yellow skin, black eyes, spiky black hair, and a strange mark on his left arm. He is about 5 feet 3 inches high and weigh 121 pounds. He wears blue low-cut sneakers, gray highwaters, a gray t-shirt, and a dark-blue hoodie underneath. He wears his lucky pendant, a rare crystal, as a necklace. He rolls up the sleeves when it’s hot. He usually carries his sword on his hand, but when he needs to, he attaches his sword at his back, near his waist. While he gets his aura, the mark glows slightly and flashes in random colors.
Personality: Albus is usually optimistic, but he can get angry easily. He can forget things easily, yet he can easily memorize other things. He is timid in front of strangers. He often overlooks small details, sometimes ruining the whole thing. He is impatient, and tends to give things up easily. Strangely, he is afraid of the dark (No lights, not darkness.) and he is afraid of heights. He is also very ticklish. He tends to think of weird ideas when he thinks. He is rather interested and knowledgeable in technology. Even though he doesn’t have problems working in a group, he often does his own thing and only works together when someone in the group think up with something like a plan. He is calm in battle, but still can get frustrated at times. Even though he isn’t a vegetarian, Albus hates meat, because of some seemingly stupid reasons like there might still be a lot of bad germs and bacteria in the meat even if it’s cooked etc.
Original World: Greath (Original) Current World:Traverse Town
History: Albus used to live a rather normal life in his hometown, even though, he still had a great time with his childhood. One day, when Albus was ten, there was a meteor shower. Everyone in the town felt that there is something strange about this meteor shower, but nobody can exactly point it out. Albus and his friends ran off to a mountain to get a closer look. There, a wizard was casting a spell. Albus and his friends ignored the wizard, and viewed the meteor shower. All of a sudden, the wizard cast a spell on Albus. Albus’s body began flashing weirdly, and he fainted. His friends were frightened, some ran away, while others tried to get help from the town. The wizard then disappeared. Strangely, when the people in the town came to search for Albus, they couldn’t find him. After searching for three days, they gave up.
Soon after, the blacksmith of the town happened to come across Albus, unconscious. He took him back to Albus’s house, only to find that his parents are nowhere to be found. He discussed the problem with the master of the dojo. The master decided to take Albus under his care, also for training him. When Albus finally woke up, the master told him what they had known from what the wizard had remained in town. From his magical researches, the wizard noticed that there was something unusual happening within other worlds. He had been around for quite a long time, he knew that it was the heartless. The wizard obviously thought that the heartless will soon spread to Greath, too. They didn’t have many well-trained warriors or magicians to actually stop the heartless for a while, not to mention that completely defeating heartless is actually a hard process for those who don’t have a keyblade. They needed someone who could actually hold back the heartless for a while. Then maybe, they could have called for some help, but traveling across the worlds is not an easy task. So the wizard decided to give his power to a young man who had the potential, and he chose Albus. He cast a spell, which gave Albus protection when he was in danger, and gave Albus all his magical power. After the master explained everything, he gave Albus a sword, and Albus started training under the master.
His training went well, and Albus became both more powerful and knowledgeable, about the heartless other things related to that. He had a great time with his friends, and his master actually treated him quite well. Soon, the heartless started invading, not in big amounts, but the big attack was just happening in a matter of time. Albus was sent as a guard of Greath. He did his job quite well, since the heartless weren’t too strong yet. Even though, Greath still fell under the victim of the heartless, and got destroyed. Albus got unconscious for a while, then he felt that he flew into the air, sending up by an updraft. He then landed heavily onto solid ground. Not an easy process, but he still managed to land safely with any serious harms. He looked around, and he found the place he had landed to be a peaceful town. He began to walk around. It was not soon that he noticed an obvious sign saying “Traverse Town.”
Role Playing Sample: “You find anything interesting yet?” Albus shouted out to his friend as they were searching in the junkyard of the town, again. His friend, who he always called “Magnet” because he has usually finds a lot of pretty good things made out of metal. His friend didn’t reply, and they kept on searching. Albus and Magnet were good friends since they were children. They often came here, because Magnet is a orphan. He couldn’t find anywhere else comfortable to sleep without going into the wilderness, yet he didn’t want to sleep at the doors of the townspeople’s homes. They often give him blankets and such, and Magnet didn’t like that. That’s one of the reasons why they came here, to find a nice shelter for Magnet, the other is most of the stuff there couldn’t be really called junk, just stuff people don’t want piled together. They could find some really cool things there, like a functional robot, even if it ran out of batteries soon after.
“Hey, I think I found something!” Albus shouted. Magnet came over, and they pulled the thing out, it was a box, filled with necklaces. “Well, who would have put these thing there, the necklaces still look new!” Albus said with confusion. “Are these cursed or something like that?” Then his friend commented about the case, it looked pretty old and broken, and the front of a box has a strange crack. “Well, I think I get it,” Albus said. “The case does look really old, and it probably used to have a lock in front of it. Maybe the owner couldn’t open it and just threw it away. These look very valuable, we better try and return it,” So they walked back to the town’s lost and found.
On there way, they saw a man, who had a bag and quickly ran away from the town. Then later a lady chased after him, and was saying that he was a robber. Magnet wanted to go after him, and Albus agreed. Albus picked up a bat that he had put at the town gate just in case, and Magnet immediately chased after the robber. They boys ran much faster than the robber, and soon caught up on the robber. Albus gave him a quick smack to his arm, and Magnet grabbed the bag. “Well, that’ll probably teach you,” said Albus as they took the robber and the bag back to town.
I'll look at your RP sample now. :] I sent you a PM already: I'll set you loose on the boards after your profile is accepted, but still give you advice now and again.
Big thing you need to watch out for is dialogue. Even when it's only one person speaking, don't keep on breaking up your quotations with stuff in the same paragraph. Also remember to make a new paragraph for things another character did, or when changing topics. For example, this one:
“Hey, I think I found something!” Albus shouted. Magnet came over, and they pulled the thing out, it was a box, filled with necklaces. “Well, who would have put these thing there, the necklaces still look new!” Albus said with confusion. “Are these cursed or something like that?” Then his friend commented about the case, it looked pretty old and broken, and the front of a box has a strange crack. “Well, I think I get it,” Albus said. “The case does look really old, and it probably used to have a lock in front of it. Maybe the owner couldn’t open it and just threw it away. These look very valuable, we better try and return it,” So they walked back to the town’s lost and found.
Separate the words and actions that aren't related to each other. If I were to rewrite this whole thing, it would go as such:
“Hey, I think I found something!” Albus shouted.
When Magnet came over they pulled the thing out, and it was a box filled with necklaces.
“Well, who would have put these thing there, the necklaces still look new!” Albus said with confusion. “Are these cursed or something like that?”
Then his friend commented about the case; it looked pretty old and broken, and the front of a box has a strange crack.
“Well, I think I get it,” Albus said. “The case does look really old, and it probably used to have a lock in front of it. Maybe the owner couldn’t open it and just threw it away. These look very valuable, we better try and return it.”
So they walked back to the town’s lost and found.
When do you not want to make a new paragraph?
When the action relates to the speaker, for the most part, and/or his words. For example:
"Hey, I think I found something!” Albus shouted. He ambled over to his friend and tugged on his sleeve, leading him to his find. "Isn't it odd?"
You've got a solid base, you just need practice. I'll comment here on posts you do in the future if needed, so keep an eye on this thread! Actually, I'll PM you if there's a new post waiting for you.
Jun 7, 2012 22:17:16 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jun 7, 2012 22:19:38 GMT -4 by Zephiris