In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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Hunting: Due to The One's years of hunting, his skills have improved a great deal to the point where most game is easy for him to hunt. However, Nimvo rarely experiences success due to his lack of tools to aid in the hunt.
Basic Tool Skills: The One is skilled in using spears, hammers, and other stone based weapons. He is also able to use simple and small forms of stone to make clothing and skin an animal clean and use its other body parts for use.
Weapon/Items: None
Picture:
Appearance: The One is a simple wanderer who wears nothing except a brown tunic, due to having no other forms of clothing. He has long black hair that is all curly and covers most if not all of his head. He also has a rather large nose and is very short. His eyes are a light blue with a touch of hazel mixed in. He also very smelly most of the time, due to him never receiving a bath due to not knowing what one was. His small amount of clothing is also very torn up from all of the game he has killed during his time on his home world.
Personality: The One is a unique individual, mainly due to his lack of experience with the new age facts. He is very timid in this new environment, due to his lack of knowledge. However, there are times where he will become very aggressive, simply due to someone being grumpy towards him. At most times however, he is simply confused due to being far away from his home and with no clue how to get back, he does not know what the future holds.
Most of The One's actions normally come with grunts and sounds that can be deciphered, but take some time to learn. Most of his ways of behaving include eating very loudly and constantly yelling during the meal. Not sharing any of his possessions with others as he is used to never seeing them again. And he is normally very fast acting, never waiting for something to drag him along. He does have a soft side, that normally wants to be accepted by people, but he is afraid that he would be rejected if he showed kindess and compassion.
Original World: Primitive Land Current World: Radiant Garden
History: The One was once known as a man named Hunter, though he has forgotten most of his past due to being frozen for so long. He has flashes from time to time, but the full history sleeps deep within his mind waiting to be awakened.
Hunter was born in a small cave, to a loving father and mother though his two older siblings had died in the wild. At the time, it was hard to determine what gender a person was, but they figured out Hunter was a boy, before they made a fatal error in judgement.
A couple of days later however, Hunter's mother passed away due to having so many children in a period under six years. A day was spent in which the father made a makeshift grave for her, as Hunter just laid in a makeshift bed made of twigs and leaves and cried at his mother's passing.
During his first two years alive, Hunter watched as his father found a clan to join and he was simply dragged along for the ride. He quickly became friendly with his new brother's and sister's and slowly learned their way of communication through grunting.
Around his fourth year of living, Hunter witnessed the death of one of his two brothers at the hands of another clan. Vengeance burned deep within his heart and he swore that those evil demons would pay for what they had done on this day. After that day, Hunter trained his body and mind like never before, by taking on additional tasks that the Alpha Male would normally have.
As the days went by, Hunter lost track of time and a single year would feel like a day to him, during his quest for revenge. As he worked and worked, most of the clan his father had joined died, except for his father, and one daughter of the other clan members. The three of the worked together day and night to provide for themselves while slowly following the game to stay alive.
By the time Hunter became twelve years old, his father had grown old and died from several wounds and old age. The other daughter had abandoned Hunter after that, due to him caring more about himself than anything. It was on that day that Hunter officially became The One, cutting away all ties from his past connections.
About one month after his rebirth into The One, he finally found the group of people that killed his half brother and made a plan of action. Though in the end, that plan was forgotten in favor of a flat out suicidal attack. He fought bravely to the very end and even though he suffered a rock to the knee, he claimed his revenge on the people who had wronged him several years ago.
Now that his goal had been achieved, The One decided to banish the women of the clan he had just wiped out and take their cave for himself. He found that in this cave, the previous inhabitants had several paintings that showed them killing mercilessly, just like they did to his brother. To put one final painting in the near full cave, The One used juices from fruit to pain an image of him killing the clan. This would serve as a warning to anyone who tried to claim the cave as their own while he went to hunt.
Over the next eight years, The One provided for himself and enslaved any woman he could find so he could attempt to have offspring. His life was fairly good, with the few cases of someone attempting to kill him. However, his one regret by his twentieth year of being was that he was never able to produce a son.
However, before he could attempt to impregnate a woman one last time, The Heartless came to his world to find its Keyhole and destroy the world. They came after The One relatively quickly, but he fought bravely with his makeshift weapons until he ran out of resources.
Right as The One was going to his last stand, he was suddenly frozen by an unkwown force and being and cast away to float away in space lifeless. During his time in space however, his body aged at half the rate, leaving him at a bodily age of 25 by the time he landed in Radiant Garden ten years later.
Role Playing Sample: The One's ice prison was caught in the gravity of Radiant Garden and his body began to fall at a high speed towards the surface. The ice surrounding him would slowly melt away as it had become much colder during his time in space.
As The One came down at the world, he regained consciousness for a split second and attempted to escape, but failed and simply knocked himself out again. Although since he had been frozen for so long, he would appear to be in a coma.
When The One's icy prison finally hit the ground, most of it was gone and in its place a very hairy man with clothing that seemed so...unique to that world. The One would simply lay there, unable to awake or even flinch hoping he would soon be saved. Questions/Comments/Suggestions?
(The One being frozen happens sometime after Birth By Sleep and up to the current site storyline.)
Welcome to World Destiny, nimvo. I'm Ren and I'll be assisting you with your profile.
I'm going to change this profile to a WIP, and I'm going to explain this below.
Word counts. You have not met the required word count on the following sections: Personality and RP Sample. Your Personality section was only 149 words long and the required minimal length is 175; the RP Sample was a miniscule 136 words, despite need to be at least 350. Change it. The point of the RP sample is to see how well you can write your character, and 136 words tells me nothing. I would be forced to conclude that you would just not be at the literacy rate this site requires.
Everything else. ... I know you want to create a clean-slate character. But despite all this you still manage to have gaping holes in your profile. You claim in his world, he had no method of communication... but even in human language, it's said that anywhere between 60% and 90% of communicating is nonverbal. Also, think of animals; they manage to communicate what they need without the use of words. If he can't speak, you need to be creative enough to figure out a way for him to communicate. For instance, Tinker Bell from the Peter Pan universe can't speak either... but for the most part, a lot of people can decipher what she says through gestures and body language. Also, an incomprehensible character on an RP site, which hinges on member interaction? I can see no reason for one of those to be here.
Also, why on earth wouldn't he have a personality just because he is primitive? You seem to be under the impression that personality is a completely "refined intelligence" thing; once again, think of animals. I have a cat that is the shyest cat I've ever known - scampering away from the tiniest noise - but is also the most loving. Yet, in the same house, I have a dog that could not be more different: grumpy, constantly annoyed, and gruff, among other things. Personality happens everywhere, whether you'd like it to or not. Even cavemen had personalities: drawing on walls, depicting stories, designating certain jobs for certain people... They had quirks, they had loyalties, they had arguments, they had personality.
How could he have absolutely no abilities if he was a Hunter, as you say? That doesn't make sense. He'd need to have some sort of skills in order to be able to hunt. Perhaps you're getting confused with what the Powers/Abilities section means: It doesn't just ask you to list magical or unnatural abilities, but also what other skills they might have. For instance, if I were making a thief character, I might say that part of their skillset is picking locks. You created a Hunter, but without any sort of explained hunting ability? Change it. He might not have any of whatever his weapons were on his person, but he's still allowed to be skilled with them.
I'm going to remind you of the story of Tarzan. While the Disney interpretation leaves much to be desired, Tarzan reminds me a bit of your character: He grew up in the jungle, hunted, and learned to fend for himself. Yet you'd be crazy if you said he didn't have a personality. He was curious, inquisitive, and not necessarily scared of new things; he was loyal to his family and friends; he was fierce, yet he was kind.
I understand you want a clean slate, and that is fine. But absolutely only way to achieve the sort of clean that you want - a near personality-less character - would be to create a newborn baby, and that is not allowed. So you must revamp this. Create a more solid history. Explain how he can communicate, since he has no spoken language. Explain any skillsets he may have. I would suggest popping over to this thread, where older members are coming up with great ideas for newbies to start their first RP character. Read up on what people have been saying and make necessary changes to your profile.
He can be primitive, that is fine. He can have no spoken language, that is fine. He can have no magical abilities, that is fine. But he MUST have personality and motivation. He MUST have a reason to exist on this site, or else I will reject him.
As I said earlier, I'm giving this profile the WIP status. That means that you have a whole week to make any edits that you want before I will be back to review it. If you have not made any edits in the week, I will reject it. If you have made few edits and none of them make sense or I find far too many problems, I will reject it. But if you really try hard to create a character and I come back and there are still some things to fix, I will work with you. But you must take in everything I've told you.
I have edited the Abilities, Personality, and History as you've asked. I would appreciate it if you reviewed my edits before I move on to my RP Sample so I can make it as flawless as I can based on my current edits if they are acceptable.
"However, Nimvo rarely experiences success due to his lack of tools to aid in the hunt." I reckon you meant to say "The One" there instead of "Nimvo."
Explain how he hunts; what techniques did he primarily use? You can have a bit more description here.
Can he make said tools, or can he only wield them? I feel that it would make sense for him to be able to make the tools as well.
Can he not fight at all? He seems to have a rather violent past, so a lack of fighting prowess seems strange.
Personality.
"However, there are times where he will become very aggressive, simply due to someone being grumpy towards him." Why would somebody being grumpy incite such a passionate reaction? It seems like you randomly threw this in there to give him aggression; mood swings does not make the character: reasoning does.
"Most of his ways of behaving include eating very loudly and constantly yelling during the meal." Yelling? I thought he could only grunt. Also, what is your explanation for him yelling in meals? Why would he not simply eat in peace, even if he is a messy eater? You fail to describe the reasons behind the new changes to his personality.
"He does have a soft side, that normally wants to be accepted by people, but he is afraid that he would be rejected if he showed kindess and compassion." Once again: why? Why does he desire for acceptance? Can he even grasp the concept of acceptance and rejection in a more "social" sense, rather than just somebody being cast out of the herd? Why would he be afraid of rejection if he shows kindness? What is your reasoning for this personality trait?
History.
Grunting is not the primary method of communication among those who have no language; don't forget body language, gesturing, facial expressions, posture, etc.
You do not mention him having a penchant for vengeance in his personality. The man in your history and the man described in the personality seem to be two completely different entities that don't add up. Remember: his history should describe his personality, and how he became the way he is. I'm seeing less and less of the logic and reasoning and the why.
How did he get the name The One? Is that just something you call him, as no one from his history could be able to give him an English name without knowing English? It is implied that he sort of gave himself that name, but he can't think in any languages, let alone speak them. Clarify that for me, will you?
Now this is where this profile takes an extremely dark turn. Obviously The One has extremely murderous tendencies that were not so much as hinted at in his personality. Also, the mentions of women in your history are quite degrading: kicking them all out, and then enslaving some later? That's really very dark and distasteful, and I don't know if a murderous, possibly sexually assaulting character should belong in a Kingdom Hearts site. Also, why did he want an offspring so badly? Why would heritage matter to a man living in squander? Once again, the why is not explained.
To wrap this up: you still fail to explain his personality in a way that is conducive and relates to his history. Also, The One is extremely gruesome, violent, and dark, according to his history, and I don't know if I like that at all for this site. The One has a potential for a very interesting character, but I am worried that you would not play him in a way that fits the environment of this site.
In order to see this, I would need you to finish your RP sample. In this sample, include dialogue from some outside source and interaction with NPCs, so I can see how you would play The One in a situation involving other people. How The One will respond to others is crucial in an environment involving many players; thus, I must see this.
You've got a lot of work to do yet, so this is still under WIP status, which ends in six days. You've got until then to make any edits you desire, and at the end of those six days I will make my final examination.
