In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
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Nickname:The Black Blade, The Dark Light, The Shadow Lightning
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Species:Human
Position: Chaotic Neutral
Powers/Abilities/Techniques/Skills: Carmana has little magical power and tends to use natural abilities as often as possible.
ABILITIES: Dark sense is what he calls his ability to sense if there are heartless or nobodies nearby. He is skilled at using almost any sword . And those he has not tried he learns how to very quickly. Slightly enhanced speed due to his naturally long legs and slim figure.
Hidden strength that he possesses even with his thin frame and skinny arms (this is what allows him to carry his heavy blade and use it well).
Intellectual prowess that he has obtained over the years of schooling he has taken.
TECHNIQUES: Reverse blade grip is a special style he uses with his oversized blade holding it in a reverse grip but adjusting the weight of it so the blade swings one direction naturally depending on how it is balanced.
Quick dash is a move he has worked on for many years in his spare time. It allows him to quickly dodge incoming attacks while at the same time closing in for a counter strike. A drawback is that if surrounded he can be intercepted.
SKILLS: Skilled with electrical based devises, such as disarming electrical based traps and repairing machines. Not used to working on bigger devices though.
POWERS: He has two main powers. Minor shadow control that lets him use shadows as light weapons and cover. He learned this from his mother. It does not work in areas where the shadows are very faint.
Lightning affiliation that lets him learn electric spells faster than other spells.
SPELLS: Thunder is the only spell he has taken the time to learn so far. When he uses it there is a chance that some of the electricity will kick back and stun or hurt him.
OTHER: Enraged is a rare condition of his that makes him lose almost all of his humanity and reason. It is brought on by massive amounts of stress and fatigue, making it a very rare occurrence. When in the enraged state his powers are increased and his strength is unmatched except by a small amount of beings. After calming down he is severely weakened and is stuck with his basic natural abilities for up to twenty-four hours.
Weapon/Items: He carries with him a double edged obsidian broad sword enchanted to be able to withstand immense damage without breaking. The blade also features serrated edges for maximum effect even against the toughest heartless or nobody. He also carries an rusty old katana that his late father gave him before his untimely murder.
Picture:
Appearance:
Carmana is a typical sixteen year old boy. About 5ft.9 and sitting at about 214lbs. He is skinny and has dark brown hair that never stays flat. He has dark purple eyes that tell a story of a life of pain and rage after a time of love and happiness. Over his right eye is a long scar that he obtained from a shadow heartless that slashed him while his guard was down.
He wears a black leather coat over a black t-shirt and usually has on a pair of black jeans with a yellow chain hanging from them. He wears black boots that go about half way up his lower legs with silver buckles. He is never seen without two things, the first being his obsidian broad sword which is usually in the sheath strapped to his back, the second being a strange cross necklace he has around his neck.
On his right hand is a fingerless glove with the heartless emblem embroidered on the back of it. That glove is a constant reminder of what his goal is. On the same hand is a silver spinner ring that reminds him of his family.
Personality:
Carmana is generally a quiet kind of guy. Never really one to talk to others unless it is to shut them up during an argument or to have a heart to heart talk. The only times he ever breaks this rule of his is when in battle and communicating battle plans or smack talking the enemy. Other rare times are when he is off on his own thinking about what has come to pass or what shall happen next.
He is calm and collected with a poker face that almost no one can break. But there is also a darker side to him that no one knows about but for those select few that he trusts more than others. This darker side of him is a burning temper and bloodlust that is fueled by his desire to take revenge on those who killed his friends and family in traverse town. He has sworn to take his revenge even if it costs him his heart. He loves to watch nature and technology coexist in harmony however rare this union may be.
He is a talented artist and is highly flexible both physically and mentally. He fears that one day he will find that there is no hope for those who were destroyed when his town was attacked. He is a kind hearted fellow no matter how corrupted his heart has become from the many heartless encounters he has had. If he finds a group he can work with he is sure to form a strong bond with them.
Original World: Traverse Town Current World: (Newly awakened) Disney Castle
History:
About 14 years before the events of KHI Carmana was born in first district in Traverse Town. His mother was a well-known teacher who specialized in teaching the ways of magic and the natural elements and how to control them and his father was known as the town hero and the head of the small makeshift fire department he ran from out of their home, both were refugees from worlds that had been destroyed by the heartless. He grew up in an environment that was perfect for small families. His mother home schooled him in basic knowledge and arts such as music and drawing, as well as magic. His father helped him work on his combat skills a bit whenever they had the time to spend together.
As the years went by Carmana made many close friends and had many crushes. The only down side was his crushes never felt the same way. He put up with it thinking he would find someone eventually. Years passed and his baby sister Sylvia was born. He spent many a day on the weekends and after his home schooling to spend time with her. This time of peace and love all ended when Carmana turned 14. He had woken up to screams and found the town under attack by heartless. His father was fighting them off as could be expected.
The day the attack ended was the day a great man was lost. Before his very eyes Carmana’s father was murdered. That day marked the change in Carmana forever. He trained harder than ever, with the help of an old family friend who knew more about fighting than most people, whenever he had a moment to himself away from his mother and sister. He worked on refining his combat skills till they were second nature to him just as breathing and blinking were. He competed in fighting tournaments with fighters from all over the town, coming in first some of the time. But with victory, there must always be defeat.
A year passed and Carmana had turned 15. He had not forgotten the death of his father and was still seeking revenge when the second heartless attack struck his town. He followed in his father’s footsteps and fought his way through the waves of heartless. But in an instant the scream that was heard stopped both sides for a moment. Carmana’s little sister, little Sylvia, had been attacked and turned into a heartless.
That moment was the final nail in the coffin for carmana’s old self. Seeing his sister turned into one of those…THINGS…was more than he could bear. He lashed out at the heartless and ended the attack on his own. Many had been lost. It was then a year later…that Carmana went to visit his sister’s grave, a simple slab of stone in his back yard. And as he lay the flower on the headstone, he noticed a strange portal of som kind. He walked up to it, stepped through and vanished. Ready to be awakened when needed.
Role Playing Sample:
He was floating……floating through time and space. This was about to be the second most important day of his life……his rebirth, his awakening. Slowly the unknown boy opened his eyes and saw nothing but darkness……he looked down to see a giant circle that appeared to be made of stained glass underneath him……as he floated down to it he heard a cool female voice speak, apparently to him, “This is where your journey begins. You are about to embark on a great trip with many twists and turns. Be forewarned, this is not for the faint of heart. Only accept this challenge if you are sure you can handle it.”
The boy looked at the area he was about to land on and nodded. The voice spoke again, “very good. Let us begin.” The boy landed on the ground and looked to see three pillars. Each with a different emblem. One a sword, another shield, and the final one a staff. The voice spoke yet again. “Choose the power you wish to gain. It will help decide the form you shall take. Choose wisely.”
The boy looked at the sword pillar and walked over to it. He set his right hand on it and the pillar glowed……the voice spoke without a hint of judgment. “The power of the sword. The path of the warrior. Is this the power you seek?” He simply nodded. The voice spoke. “Now that you have chosen your power, you must choose what power to give up. Choose wisely.”
He looked at the staff pillar and touched it after crossing to it. It glowed and the voice spoke. “The power of the mystic. You give up this power?” He nodded. The voice spoke once again. “Very well then, you have taken the power of the sword and relinquished the power of the mystic, is this the form you desire?”
He closed his eyes and nodded. The voice spoke once again as the three pillars sank into the ground…… “Your strengths are set. Your weaknesses are present. Good luck and may your journey be a safe one. Farewell.” A path then appeared to one side. The boy nodded and whispered his thanks. He took the path to his adventure. And so began his journey.
Questions/Comments/Suggestions? Hope you like what I did if you have any questions I will answer them as best I can
Aug 22, 2012 12:42:23 GMT -4
Last Edit: Aug 23, 2012 14:59:27 GMT -4 by carmana
Hi, Carmana. I'm Ren and I'll be assisting you with your profile.
Word counts are all fine, so let's get onto the harder stuff.
Powers/Abilities.
Dark sense works both ways... so Heartless and Nobodies can sense him as well? They can already sense Hearts, so this doesn't make much sense.
He is a master of almost any sword? No. He's sixteen, a teenager, and what's more he never had a master teach him. He can't be a master. He can be skilled, but not a master.
Skills with electrical-based devices... do you mean things like televisions? You will need to explain this one. And what do those skills involve? A manipulation of them? Why does he have those skills at all?
Why does he have any shadow control at all? In his history there is no mention of him controlling the darkness. You give me no reason to believe why he can control minor shadows. Unless you can think of one, take it out.
Does he only know the first version of Thunder? Is there a cooldown, an MP counter? Please describe its range, effects, form, MP count if it has one, or a cooldown, or some other drawback to casting this spell.
How does his enraged state come about?
History.
I would suggest making up your own world as I don't recall Traverse Town ever having a fire department.
How did he become a master when his father was not one? You mention that his father taught him the basics once in a while, but after he died, Carmana just started teaching himself. That is not how one becomes a master at anything; they need a master to teach them, as well as rigorous training, which you didn't mention in his history at all, nor did you mention how he learned Lightning-based spells, and why he has an affinity for electrical equipment.
The good fighters all over town would be much, much older than him with a lot more training; he couldn't beat them all. Get rid of that part. He's not "the best swordsman," the kid's only sixteen and self-taught.
Why would his sister have a grave? Heartless steal Hearts, and then the body vanishes... unless he just placed one there as a memorial, despite not having the body. If that's the case, put that in somewhere.
Why would he just vanish? That part doesn't make any sense. If he's on Traverse Town, keep him on Traverse Town, or have him stumble into a dark portal and land somewhere else.
Because you have to re-work a lot of the history and go much more in-depth with his powers, I'm going to give you a week. Use it well; make his character more realistic, as he's very young and lacking any real training.
All right so we still have a lot of problems that were not resolved.
Powers/Abilities.
You mention he's skilled with almost any sword, and if he's not familiar with it he can learn it very easily? No, sorry, that's getting too god-moddish. Make him skilled with his own weapon, but newer ones throw him off. It's a good balance system.
Why does he have these electrical-based skills at all? Where did they come from?
Okay, I'm going to talk about this more when I get to your history, but I'm taking away his ability to control shadows. "His mother taught him" is not a good explanation; he needs to have serious darkness in his heart, and from his history and personality he doesn't have good enough reasons to control shadows.
You need to explain Thunder in much greater detail. What is its range? How long does it take to cast? Give him some sort of cooldown post amount because of the kickback; remember that the cooldown would be effective every single time he casts Thunder.
The idea behind "Enraged" is too abstract; I get the feeling you would spam it and make it happen far too often, as it boosts his powers. Unless you give it some definite restrictions - like only lasting for a certain amount of posts, most likely two - and explain how it happens in greater detail and why he even has this power, I will have to ask you to take this away as well.
History.
How did his mother learn magic? Why would she know any of this? Once again, you have yet to explain the why, as well as why I should be allowing Carmana any magic at all. She also has no good reason for learning how to control darkness and teaching him, so you need to omit that; no darkness powers. You also don't give him any reason at all why he should be skilled with electrical equipment.
I still don't know why Carmana is such a skilled swordsman if the only people that taught him were his father - who only worked with him "a bit" - himself, and some unnamed "old family friend." Why is is father so good at combat? Where did he get the swords to train Carmana with? Also, who is this "old family friend" and why should I believe that he/she is any more of a talented fighter than Carmana? You give no backstory, you just add in plot elements with little to no explanation just so he can have physical prowess. Until you can describe in more depth why this "old family friend" is such a combat specialist, I'm afraid that Carmana can't be as skilled as you'd like him to be. And, what's more, how does Carmana know this "old family friend"? Why is he/she a reliable source? You can't just throw names in there willy-nilly without any reason why.
When people fall into dark portals, they don't just step through them. Often it happens to catch others unawares and bring them to different worlds. Also, how is he just "waiting" until he is "called upon"? He would go through the dark portal, and then just emerge in a completely new world - a world that you did not mention at all in your history. Where does he end up? You can't just leave that kind of hole at the end of your history.
You still have a lot of work to do, so I suggest really taking your time with this history and coming up for reasons with everything - and good, solid reasons that can be backed up. I'm giving you another week to think it through, and if I still have problems with this inconsistency and plot holes next time you edit this, I may consider rejecting this profile. You have been warned.
