Instruction: Corriban

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Training: Corriban
Instructor: Shelby

Hi there Corriban! I’m Shelby and I’m going to be your instructor in this RP Academy Course, you have been sent here because your RP skills do not currently meet our standards, but with a little help they will be excellent! To start us off here is your first entrance into a new world as Tun.

A teen watched from atop a home as people roamed the streets and enjoyed themselves. This teen is known as Tun, and he had no idea what this place is. it could be anything truly. but Tun wanted to make the best of it. With a quick turn, he slid down to the back, now safe from a long fall.

The sound of joy was kind, but at the same time felt odd. Tun hadn't exactly known Joy for too long as of late. Truly, Tun is in a place he doesn't fully understand. He looked for someone to help him.

A young boy walked by, Sea salt ice cream in hand.

"Excuse me, but what is this place?" Tun asked, making the child hop back. He explained that the place is called Radiant Garden, then dashed off to a group of kids. Strange how that played out, but at least Tun now knows where he is. Radiant Garden.

What a beautiful name.

Details:

Ok there are many things that need to be fixed within that profile and I will help you with them every step of the way. First off I want you to read the passage I have put for you below it’s from the Novel Bleak House by: Charles Dickens, when you read it I want you to focus solely on painting a picture in the head of the place he is describing.

LONDON. Michaelmas Term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln’s Inn Hall. Implacable November weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth, and it would not be wonderful to meet a Megalosaurus, forty feet long or so, waddling like an elephantine lizard up Holborn Hill. Smoke lowering down from chimney-pots, making a soft black drizzle, with flakes of soot in it as big as full-grown snow-flakes — gone into mourning, one might imagine, for the death of the sun. Dogs, undistinguishable in mire. Horses, scarcely better; splashed to their very blinkers. Foot passengers, jostling one another’s umbrellas in a general infection of ill-temper, and losing their foot-hold at street-corners, where tens of thousands of other foot passengers have been slipping and sliding since the day broke (if the day ever broke), adding new deposits to the crust upon crust of mud, sticking at those points tenaciously to the pavement, and accumulating at compound interest.

So as you have read that you most likely got a clear image of the place he was describing. One of the things I noticed predominantly in your writing is that you slightly describe things, but don’t go into full depth which is an essential part while RPing, if the reader doesn’t know where you are or at least get the feel of it then you have not correctly completed your Job.

Realism:

Another major thing with your writing is the realness of the situation, no matter what Tun’s past is he is still human and nine out of ten times will have a human reaction. This was not portrayed at all in your RP, Tun if not fearing about where he ended up would at least have some confusion about the situation. Such as pondering the idea of where he could be and you did mention it a tiny bit, but as I always say the more in depth the better. I would like to be able to learn about Tun’s personality just by that one post. The best way for me to think of how to portray realism when I hag trouble getting into character is by saying “What would I do?” If you all of a sudden woke up in Tahiti would you not be the slightest bit nervous or curious?


NPCs:

This is a MAJOR thing that I noticed within your profile; you used a young boy NPC. This is fine of course, but he completely ruined the thought process of Tun after discovering he was in a new world. Don’t you think that the boy would have realized Tun is not from around here and then question Tun’s home land? I understand you would like to get the RP moving, but try to refrain from using NPCs to tell you everything you need to know or learn. Which would be more entertaining for you to read, a sentence talking about the conversation they had or the physical conversation they had? You should be able to successfully portray your characters thoughts and emotions, as well as successfully being able to RP them without the help of side characters. If you must use an NPC though for an important situation, hit one of the staff members up and they would be glad to plop one in for you.

Ok those where some major ones that stuck out to me while reading it, also I know I have not touched on Grammar yet that will be after I get the basics of RPing within you. So what I would like you to do for me now is please re-type that RP with everything you have just learned, and a minimum amount of 300 words, preferably five sentences per paragraph. Also after you have posted please do not edit anything even if it was an accident I would like to see your first post.

-Shelby :]

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Sunset fel over the many buildings of rural beuty. Each moment seemed to give the place more color and depth. A Vibrant pink house that stood out now looked golden, making the pink color wash away for a more pleasing color in contrast to the other buildings, all of them turning similar colors. Upon one building, a teenager, about 14 years old, watched as adults moved carefully around the groups of children that moved with energy and joy. It seemed different to the teen.

"Where am I, and how did I get here?" He asked, confused of whatr this place held for him, in answers, adventure and questions. through his time here, he had already faced strange creatures of dark color and miniscule stature, and felt quite the rush from it, but that rush was replaced with curiosity. Wishing to find out more, he jumped back and slid down the roof, landing in an alley.

He had spent some time in here, somewhat worried that his bruises and swollen eye would be something that would draw people back. He felt odd enough with having little social skills. these injuries were just the icing on the cake. But he knew he had to at least try to learn where he is at least.

With hesitant steps, This teen stepped out, quickly avoiding a group of kids running down a flight of stones that shined. one of the kids looked back at the ten and walked up to him.

"Who are you?" The child asked, with a weak but confident voice. In a bit of hesitation, the teenager replied, "Tun. My name's Tun. what's your name?" . The child gave the simple replie of James. "James, what is this place?" Tun asked, glad that his own assumption of people running off was untrue.

"You're in Rasiant Garden Tun. Where'd you come from?" James responded.

"Well...Heh...That's a long story James. I'll just say that I'm from a past I'm glad to have left," Tun said, confusing James. But while curiosity filled James, The child refused to ask, understanding that RTun had no interest in explaining.

"Glad to meet you Tun," James said, walking off.
"Great to meet you to, James," Tun said, happy to have a friend.