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Welcome to the RP Academy, Fearon. I'm Shiay and I shall be your Instructor for this session.
Here is how this will work:
I would like for you to post to this thread as if posting a new RP thread with your character. I will then see what it is that you can improve on and point them out to you, as well as replying as one of my own characters.
Please understand that this is, by no means, a way to say that your skills are lacking, or that you have been singled out; it is merely a means to assist your growth as a writer and a roleplayer. We all have things to learn from each other; just as I have things I would like to teach you, I'm sure that there's also things that I can learn from you~
The rules are as as follows:
•Respect the site rules. Which means no powerplaying/godmodding other people's characters. I and others don't really care for that type of behavior D:
• Listen to advice. I cannot teach one who will not learn.
• Feel free to disagree If you have issue with something I said, please feel free to point it out. This is a group effort. That said, should you do so, provide reasoning and your alternative views in a calm, rational, and non-confrontational manner, I will treat you with respect, and expect the same treatment in return.
• Have fun. This is a game; furthermore, this is out of plot (unless you later choose to add this into continuity) roleplay. Anything that does not conflict with the rules goes; and that said, we have a little more leeway here. Namely, the location, situation, and anything else are up in the air. If you want to try out something, feel free to do so.
Fearon appeared in Twilight Towns, Sunset Terrace. He sighed as he looked around, seeing the greenery, the majesty of the nature around him. It wasn't a particuarly sad sigh, just more of a... 'wish this moment could never end' sigh. Soon enough, Fearon realized that he stood on the hill that he'd laid upon so many a time before. He walked foward, toward the fence that over looked the ocean. He leaned against the white picket fence, staring at the beautiful sunset, and once again, sighed. (I was thinking, could I bring all my characters into this?)
May 9, 2009 20:25:16 GMT -4
Last Edit: May 9, 2009 20:27:26 GMT -4 by fearonaris
I've not a problem with that, as long as the characters have stuff that differentiates them among the post and it doesn't wind up turning into a powerplay frenzy, in which case, I will warn you about.
Now... looking to the post you have at the moment. I want to ask for double spacing between paragraphs. There are times where the paragraph ends at just that right point, that when you move on to the next one, you can't really tell that there's a new paragraph that's being started.
Other things that I noticed with your writing, 'Fearon appeared in Twilight Towns, Sunset Terrace.'
Since Sunset Terrace is something belonging of Twilight Town, there would actually be an apostrophe between Town and the s-- so show ownership or belonging to.
Also, you don't really need to over describe what it is you're writing about, 'He walked foward, toward the fence that over looked the ocean. He leaned against the white picket fence, staring at the beautiful sunset, and once again, sighed.'
Try to instead word it something more like this: He walked forward, towards the white picket fence that overlooked the ocean. Leaning against it while staring at the beautiful sunset, he once again sighed.'
Sunset Terrace was a place that Kirata had more often times that not, found herself to be wandering. It was a nice place to hang out, there was no doubt about that, which is probably why one found her there a lot of the times. There was the Sunset Hill, a place that the ginger often traveled up to to witness the gorgeous sunsets that Twilight Town was really well know for.
Looking to her side, she saw the beginnings of the sunset starting to take place and grinned. It was going to be a good one to start off the evening. Racing up the pathway that lead to the the top of Sunset Hill, Kirata turned her grey gaze onto someone who she had never seen before and made her way to the picket fence on which he leaned upon.
"It's a night sunset this evening, huh?" Kirata started up, making friendly conversation.
((I'll keep them seperated to minimize the possability of... well anything))
Penny walked through the buisness district of Twilight Town, bored. She turdged along, her eyes locked upon the ground. As she walked she kicked a rock, and it skipped along. She watched it, and walked toward it, kicking it again, and repeated this process. Soon enough, the boredeness had been dulled. ___________________________________________________
Fearon turned his head to see a young girl out of the corner of his eye. A... night sunset? he thought to himself. He'd never heard of one of those, he just watched them. So he did the only thing possible, he shrugged. "I guess so." he said, his eyes still on the ocean.
Alright... better... but let's see if we can get more out of posts than just singer paragraphs at each and every shot. I mean, there are a lot of times where one paragraph-- or even just a couple of sentences-- will do for a certain post, but other times, there's still quite a bit that has to be conveyed.
Also... I apologize for not going to acknowledge Penny in this post-- as this is a Twilight Town RP thus far, and my only character residing in that world at the time being is Kirata.
Night sunset... no... Kirata was just used to the custom of announcing 5 PM and later as the evening time. Since this was past that time and the sunset was dawning over Twilight Town, shedding it's golden glow upon the buildings. It was really a magnificent sight to behold, and to be lucky enough to come out here at the time where it was at it's peek best was really something.
"I guess so."
Kirata gave a slight laugh, not averting her gaze from the sunset. There wasn't really much to pick on from where that was left off, but Kira found a way to keep some conversations strong and going. However, this time around, it was a little more difficult than she really wanted to admit.
Giving a sigh at the sight, Kirata started to drum her fingers along the picket fence and looked over. Now that she was actually looking at the person that stood a good few feet away from her, she asked, "oh... I don't think I've ever seen you here before. Are you new around? My name's Kirata." Doing what she did best, she offered a warm smile.
(((That's fine, I guess Ela will entertain her.)))
Fearon looked to this 'Kirata' girl. Of course, it'd be rude not to reply to her, but the last thing that he wanted to do was to talk. "Fearon Aris." he replyed, and took a breath as he began to explain what that he wasn't new to this town in the slightest, in fact, he'd been coming here for years!
"And I'm not exactly what one would call 'new' to town. To be honest, I come to this particular spot quite often." he said, his eyes glued to the ocean. He sighed, once again. __________________________________________
Now... Penny had a smile on her face, she kicked the rock along. Now trying to kick it before it stopped again. She kicked it along, people making way for the cute little girl having fun with a rock. Eventually, she kicked the rock under the Tram Cannon.
She looked up as the rather slow train stopped in front of her. Smiling, Penny walked over and let the train pass, and it revealed her rock. ____________________________________________________
Ela warped into the buisness district of Twilight Town, to see the Tram Cannon begin to shove off. It's shadow passed over his legs as it moved by reaveling a red headed girl. She was smiling and looking down at a rock. Ela watching this young girl. "So, having fun with that rock, eh?" he laughed, and looked down to the rock.
Okay... good, good... still a few things that have to be a fixed a bit.
Fearon looked to this 'Kirata' girl. Of course, it'd be rude not to reply to her, but the last thing that he wanted to do was to talk. "Fearon Aris." he replyed, and took a breath as he began to explain what that he wasn't new to this town in the slightest, in fact, he'd been coming here for years!
Unnecessary commas, misspellings in this passage-- I've underlined the parts where it is they don't need to be and have made the words that are misspelled, bold.
Of course, it'd be rude not to reply to her, but the last thing that he wanted to do was to talk.
"Fearon Aris." he replyed,... -- Now... I want to pause at this one and point out that when dialogue starts up, it's usually started in a new paragraph unless there's something to warrant it being in the same paragraph.
Examples:
Walking through the grassy plains, the boy gripped the hilt of his sword, anticipating anything that may come out and attack him. He had always lived with the slogan of 'always be prepared'-- and that's exactly what he was. Always prepared, for anything and everything.
"Perhaps it would be a good time to take a rest, though..." he mused to himself, making his way to a shady spot and sitting beneath the overhanging branches.
or
Dropping her bag and running to where the group stood, sans Rook, Kairi saw His Majesty standing there with a portal open. Kairi's mouth fell open just a little bit and she stumbled over the words in her head... each sentence and question that came to her mind fighting to come out of her mouth before a series of questions finally escaped her lips, "K-King Mickey! What's going on? Is something wrong? Why are you here?"
... and now continuing with what I've spotted in your writing... the underlining and bolding are still as follows...
and took a breath as he began to explain what that he wasn't new to this town in the slightest, in fact, he'd been coming here for years! -- this one's not so much for the misplacing of commas as it is slight grammatically incorrect. Seeing this, there's actually use for the semicolon here: '...and took a breath as he began to explain what that he wasn't new to this town in the slightest; in fact, he'd been coming here for years!' Or you could make said semicolon into a period and start a new sentence all together.
Now... the last part of that character post is what really bothered me most.
"And I'm not exactly what one would call 'new' to town. To be honest, I come to this particular spot quite often." he said, his eyes glued to the ocean. He sighed, once again.
The end of the dialogue would actually end in a comma instead of a period, unless the dialogue was all by itself or is the very ending of the passage. Also... another unnecessary comma is being used in the last sentence between 'sighed' and 'once'.
For your Penny post, I would actually replace the first comma that you use with the word 'as'-- having the comma there for the pause in the sentence that it usually signifies, it doesn't sound right.
Smiling, Penny walked over and let the train pass, and it revealed her rock.
Instead of having 'and it revealed her rock'-- try something most along the lines of 'having it reveal her rock', it sounds less clunky this way.
Ela warped into the buisness district of Twilight Town, to see the Tram Cannon begin to shove off. It's shadow passed over his legs as it moved by reaveling a red headed girl. She was smiling and looking down at a rock. this next one just doesn't really make any sense, whatsoever to me >> Ela watching this young girl. [[Paragraph needed]] "So, having fun with that rock, eh?" he laughed, and looked down to the rock.
Also... yes-- I realize that I'm being rather nitpicky, and I apologize if it's bothersome-- however, my job as an Instructor to matriculate and assist people as best I can still stands in my job description.
"And I'm not exactly what one would call 'new' to town. To be honest, I come to this particular spot quite often."
"Really? I've never seen you around before..." Kirata replied, glancing over to Fearon and then back out to the sunset, "I was born and raised here in Twilight Town... guess I've still yet to meet everyone that lives here..." She gave a small laugh and looked down to the ocean, admiring the golden reflections that was offered because of the sun sinking past the horizon.
The ginger remembered the times that she and Hikari had come out to this spot to admire the setting sun. This time around was different, Kirata would admit that much... some how, watching the sun set just wasn't as great without the friends that you loved to be with. Remembering the memories she had, though, she still kept a smile on her face. It was a hundred ceturies too early for Kira to be frowning and being pessimistic.
Asking what brought him out here would have been something that Kira would have normally asked, but that's just who she was. The answer was usually always the same at this time of day, 'I came here to watch the sunset.' That's why there were actually a lot of evening picnics, couples and just people coming by this spot to look out to the horizon.
Post by fearonaris on May 10, 2009 23:34:46 GMT -4
OOC: Semi-colons, and a couple of cases with comma's have always given me problems. I took the query to my teacher, too bad she's a cruddy teacher. Anyway, help in those fields is evident. The majority of comma's are there to show a pause in my own dialog. Where the pause would be if it were me talking. Obviously, that is not correct. I'll... attempt to kill the habit.
And I might as well take this opportunity to apologize. Before I was a fool, and it's been eating at me ever since. My most humble apologies. I misread the post, and, I guess, arrogance kept me from going and re-reading. Apologies. I'd also like to thank you for taking the time out to help, even if it is you job, and to have such patience.
IC
Fearon sighed and looked up to the sky. Up there was a small silver dot. His gummi ship; he looked down and back to the girl.
"Well, there is a reason for that." he said and looked back to the ocean. "I live up there." he said pointing to his gummi ship. The odds that she'd see it? Not good; if she didn't see it he'd point it out too her.
He stared out to the ocean, smelling the air. Fearon began to think about his past. The people he'd met, the things he'd seen, the heartless he'd killed. He sighed and closed his eyes. He'd never forget his past, it was what made him himself. He didn't want to lose that. ___________________________________
So, having fun with that rock, eh?
Penny looked up from her rock to the red haired guy. She smiled and blushed a bit. "Well, I was totally bored so... it's better than walking around pointlessly, right?" she said walking to her rock. She kicked it too the man, hoping he'd kick it back. She watched him, this man was... peculiar. To say the least. He was a bit to... she didn't know. He just seemed abnormal.
She looked away to her left and sighed. She was bored again. Wow, was he gonna kick that rock back or not? ___________________________________
Ela looked down at the rock, and back to the young girl.
"Bored huh? I can help with that." he said stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat. With the side of his foot he kicked the rock back to the girl. He watched it skip along the road and finally stop between her feet.
Forgive me for actually laughing out loud at your post-- I couldn't help it ^^ I was highly amused. Okay... so before I get to my school studies for the day, um... I wanna say, did better with what commas ate in here now... but now there's too many missing, and there's a slight care of misuse with the semicolon ^^;;
Fearon sighed and looked up to the sky. Up there was a small silver dot. His gummi ship; he looked down and back to the girl.
Okay, nothing wrong with the first sentence, however, the second and third can actually be combined into one, instead of looking like that, you can add a comma and swap the semicolon with the period, and a couple descriptive words and have it look more like this: 'Up there was a small, silver dot; his gummi ship. Turning his gaze, he looked back down and back to the girl.'
"Well, there is a reason for that." he said and looked back to the ocean. "I live up there." he said pointing to his gummi ship. The odds that she'd see it? Not good; if she didn't see it he'd point it out too her.
"Well, there his a reason for that." << good use with the comma, however, the period should be a comma as well.
... he said and looked back to the ocean. "I live up there." he said pointing to his gummi ship. << there's a pause after 'he said', thud, requiring a comma. Also, a comma would be better used after the last sentence, since you're continuing on.
The odds that she'd see it? Not good; if she didn't see it he'd point it out too her. << it feels to me that there should be a pause between 'see it' and 'he'd point'-- however, that's me.
I've also went out and found coma and semicolon rules because I really don't feel like thinking at... *looks at the time* 6 AM (CST) and picking at everything that actually needs fixing-- I just really hope that you do read them and that it helps.
Commas
1. Use a comma to separate the elements in a series (three or more things), including the last two. "He hit the ball, dropped the bat, and ran to first base." You may have learned that the comma before the "and" is unnecessary, which is fine if you're in control of things. However, there are situations in which, if you don't use this comma (especially when the list is complex or lengthy), these last two items in the list will try to glom together (like macaroni and cheese). Using a comma between all the items in a series, including the last two, avoids this problem. This last comma—the one between the word "and" and the preceding word—is often called the serial comma or the Oxford comma. In newspaper writing, incidentally, you will seldom find a serial comma, but that is not necessarily a sign that it should be omitted in academic prose.
2. Use a comma + a little conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, or, so) to connect two independent clauses, as in "He hit the ball well, but he ran toward third base."
Contending that the coordinating conjunction is adequate separation, some writers will leave out the comma in a sentence with short, balanced independent clauses (such as we see in the example just given). If there is ever any doubt, however, use the comma, as it is always correct in this situation.
One of the most frequent errors in comma usage is the placement of a comma after a coordinating conjunction. We cannot say that the comma will always come before the conjunction and never after, but it would be a rare event, indeed, that we need to follow a coordinating conjunction with a comma. When speaking, we do sometimes pause after the little conjunction, but there is seldom a good reason to put a comma there.
3. Use a comma to set off introductory elements, as in "Running toward third base, he suddenly realized how stupid he looked."
It is permissible to omit the comma after a brief introductory element if the omission does not result in confusion or hesitancy in reading. If there is ever any doubt, use the comma, as it is always correct.
4. Use a comma to set off parenthetical elements, as in "The Founders Bridge, which spans the Connecticut River, is falling down." By "parenthetical element," we mean a part of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence. The parenthetical element is sometimes called "added information." This is the most difficult rule in punctuation because it is sometimes unclear what is "added" or "parenthetical" and what is essential to the meaning of a sentence.
Appositives are almost always treated as parenthetical elements.
* Calhoun's ambition, to become a goalie in professional soccer, is within his reach. * Eleanor, his wife of thirty years, suddenly decided to open her own business.
Sometimes the appositive and the word it identifies are so closely related that the comma can be omitted, as in "His wife Eleanor suddenly decided to open her own business." We could argue that the name "Eleanor" is not essential to the meaning of the sentence (assuming he has only one wife), and that would suggest that we can put commas both before and after the name (and that would, indeed, be correct). But "his wife" and "Eleanor" are so close that we can regard the entire phrase as one unit and leave out the commas. With the phrase turned around, however, we have a more definite parenthetical element and the commas are necessary: "Eleanor, his wife, suddenly decided to open her own business." Consider, also, the difference between "College President Ira Rubenzahl voted to rescind the withdrawal policy" (in which we need the name "Ira Rubenzahl" or the sentence doesn't make sense) and "Ira Rubenzahl, the college president, voted to rescind the withdrawal policy" (in which the sentence makes sense without his title, the appositive, and we treat the appositive as a parenthetical element, with a pair of commas).
When a parenthetical element — an interjection, adverbial modifier, or even an adverbial clause — follows a coordinating conjunction used to connect two independent clauses, we do not put a comma in front of the parenthetical element.
* The Red Sox were leading the league at the end of May, but of course, they always do well in the spring. [no comma after "but"] * The Yankees didn't do so well in the early going, but frankly, everyone expects them to win the season. [no comma after "but"] * The Tigers spent much of the season at the bottom of the league, and even though they picked up several promising rookies, they expect to be there again next year. [no comma after "and"]
(This last piece of advice relies on the authority of William Strunk's Elements of Style. Examples our own.)
When both a city's name and that city's state or country's name are mentioned together, the state or country's name is treated as a parenthetical element.
* We visited Hartford, Connecticut, last summer. * Paris, France, is sometimes called "The City of Lights."
When the state becomes a possessive form, this rule is no longer followed:
* Hartford, Connecticut's investment in the insurance industry is well known.
Also, when the state or country's name becomes part of a compound structure, the second comma is dropped:
* Heublein, a Hartford, Connecticut-based company, is moving to another state.
An absolute phrase is always treated as a parenthetical element, as is an interjection. An addressed person's name is also always parenthetical. Be sure, however, that the name is that of someone actually being spoken to. A separate section on Vocatives, the various forms that a parenthetical element related to an addressed person's name can take, is also available.
* Their years of training now forgotten, the soldiers broke ranks. * Yes, it is always a matter, of course, of preparation and attitude. * I'm telling you, Juanita, I couldn't be more surprised. (I told Juanita I couldn't be more surprised. [no commas])
5. Use a comma to separate coordinate adjectives. You could think of this as "That tall, distinguished, good looking fellow" rule (as opposed to "the little old lady"). If you can put an and or a but between the adjectives, a comma will probably belong there. For instance, you could say, "He is a tall and distinguished fellow" or "I live in a very old and run-down house." So you would write, "He is a tall, distinguished man" and "I live in a very old, run-down house." But you would probably not say, "She is a little and old lady," or "I live in a little and purple house," so commas would not appear between little and old or between little and purple.
6. Use a comma to set off quoted elements. Because we don't use quoted material all the time, even when writing, this is probably the most difficult rule to remember in comma usage. It is a good idea to find a page from an article that uses several quotations, photocopy that page, and keep it in front of you as a model when you're writing. Generally, use a comma to separate quoted material from the rest of the sentence that explains or introduces the quotation:
* Summing up this argument, Peter Coveney writes, "The purpose and strength of the romantic image of the child had been above all to establish a relation between childhood and adult consciousness."
If an attribution of a quoted element comes in the middle of the quotation, two commas will be required. But be careful not to create a comma splice in so doing.
* "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many things." * "I should like to buy an egg, please," she said timidly. "How do you sell them?"
Be careful not to use commas to set off quoted elements introduced by the word that or quoted elements that are embedded in a larger structure:
* Peter Coveney writes that "[t]he purpose and strength of . . ." * We often say "Sorry" when we don't really mean it.
And, instead of a comma, use a colon to set off explanatory or introductory language from a quoted element that is either very formal or long (especially if it's longer than one sentence):
* Peter Coveney had this to say about the nineteenth-century's use of children in fiction: "The purpose and strength of . . . . "
7. Use commas to set off phrases that express contrast.
* Some say the world will end in ice, not fire. * It was her money, not her charm or personality, that first attracted him. * The puppies were cute, but very messy.
(Some writers will leave out the comma that sets off a contrasting phrase beginning with but.)
8. Use a comma to avoid confusion. This is often a matter of consistently applying rule #3.
* For most the year is already finished. * For most, the year is already finished.
* Outside the lawn was cluttered with hundreds of broken branches. * Outside, the lawn was cluttered with hundreds of broken branches.
9. Grammar English's Famous Rule of Punctuation: Never use only one comma between a subject and its verb. "Believing completely and positively in oneself is essential for success." [Although readers might pause after the word "oneself," there is no reason to put a comma there.]
10. Typographical Reasons: Between a city and a state [Hartford, Connecticut], a date and the year [June 15, 1997], a name and a title when the title comes after the name [Bob Downey, Professor of English], in long numbers [5,456,783 and $14,682], etc. Although you will often see a comma between a name and suffix — Bob Downey, Jr., Richard Harrison, III — this comma is no longer regarded as necessary by most copy editors, and some individuals — such as Martin Luther King Jr. — never used a comma there at all.
11. Use Commas With Caution
As you can see, there are many reasons for using commas, and we haven't listed them all. Yet the biggest problem that most students have with commas is their overuse. Some essays look as though the student loaded a shotgun with commas and blasted away. Remember, too, that a pause in reading is not always a reliable reason to use a comma. Try not to use a comma unless you can apply a specific rule from this page to do so.
Concentrating on the proper use of commas is not mere form for form's sake. Indeed, it causes writers to review their understanding of structure and to consider carefully how their sentences are crafted.
Semicolons
1. You can connect two (or more) related sentences with semicolons:
Bruggs ate toasted walnuts; he got sick.
Bruggs ate toasted walnuts; he got sick; he died after three weeks of severe stomach cramps.
2. You can simplify series:
Turnbull liked big, green, Granny Smith apples; smallish, greenish Florida oranges; and toasted, disease-free black walnuts.
3. You can connect two or more sentences with a semicolon plus a conjunctive adverb:
Surpitude liked to eat toasted, disease-free black walnuts; however, they always made her sick.
Brunswik always got sick when she ate any walnuts; consequently, she ate no nuts of any kind without bleaching them first in Clorox.
4. Sometimes when you connect related sentences, you can omit words (if your reader can fill them in from the context). Suppose you join two sentences with a semicolon:
Jill ate bleached English walnuts; Mary ate acorns.
You can sometimes delete things from the second half if your reader can replace what you've deleted:
Jill ate bleached English walnuts; Mary acorns.
Be careful, though. Suppose you wanted to delete words from this sentence:
Jill ate bleached English walnuts; Mary ate bleached acorns.
You can't just delete "ate" from the second part:
Jill ate bleached English walnuts; Mary bleached acorns.
Here it looks like Mary bleached acorns rather than ate bleached acorns. To do this more clearly, you'd have to mess around a bit:
Jill ate bleached English walnuts; Mary acorns bleached with Clorox.
5. Sometimes you can combine two sentences with a semicolon and "and," "but" and "or."
Benton lost his box of walnuts; and that was probably all right.
[Here, the semicolon plus "and" is supposed to emphasize the second half of the sentence.]
Wow... those are both... actually longer than what I was going out and expecting....
Not really noticed the sigh that Fearon let out, Kirata continued to gaze out among the coast. The sun would be fully set soon, and it would leave the sky dark with only a few glints of gold here and there... and then finally, a night sky. A thought ran through her mind as she looked out-- the sunset's colours reminded her of fire, and it made her feel a little more... well, lonely than she actually was.
"I live up there."
Getting snapped back to reality for that moment she decided to blank out, Kirata looked to Fearon, and then looked up as he was pointing at something. She was confused. He lived... up in the sky? Or perhaps he was pertaining to a different world. No... that couldn't have been it, he had already said that he came to his spot often for him to be living on a different world.
Squinting her eyes, she tried to make something out and then finally gave up after not being able to spot what it was that Fearon was pointing to. Giving a small, inaudible huff, Kira asked, "what was it that you were pointing to?"
The ginger didn't know that her acquaintance was actually thinking about his past. Though, it was was the same thing that Kirata had been doing just a few seconds ago. Could she really be blamed? It had been two years since she had been able to be back in her home world... this world... Twilight Town. There was still a lot of things she missed... and moreover, people she missed.
The battles against the Nobodies and Heartless was another thing... and it was something that the magical prodigy hated. Fighting was something that she disliked doing... and thanks to those beings, she couldn't seem to get away from it. A true burden.
Post by fearonaris on May 11, 2009 17:58:55 GMT -4
His eyes opened to see the waves of the ocean, the clouds painted red, and the suns fire painting the scenery scarlet. Hmm, a good thing to open your eyes too. he thought still a bit wedged between memories of a dog and a red head. what was it that you were pointing to? Even as Kitara asked the question; Fearon was still stuck in his history. It took his brain a bit to process that she'd spoken and he shook his head when the information was finally decoded. Kinda like a computer lag. He looked to Kitara and smiled.
"I'm sorry, I was... thinking, he said and looked up, "I was pointing to my gummi ship." he said and looked back to the ocean. Not many sites as beautiful as such a site had he laid eyes on in the past. Once again, as is habit, Fearon sighed. _________________________________________________________
Penny looked down at the rock as it rolled across the ground and struck the sole of her shoe. She looked up to the man and smiled. "I don't mind. Something to do." she said, and kicked it back attempting to make the rock skip past the man. She watched it role across the pavement and looked to the man. Will he stop it? Will he let it roll? Will he attempt to stop it? Well, she'd just have to wait and see now wouldn't she? Wow, Penny hadn't had fun like this since... well since she was on the ranch with Bolt. It wasn't fun like, "laugh out loud and scream at the top of your lungs" fun, but more of a... she couldn't explain it. It was a strange fun she knew that. __________________________________________________
Ela couldn't help but smile as he jumped to catch the rock with his heel. He felt it strike and kicked it back also trying to make it past his opponent. Strange, being a heartless he should've thirsted for this girls heart. Well, every heart he neared to be exact, but he hadn't thirsted for a heart in a long while. Hmm... he remembered something of Elaueus saying that if a heartless didn't feed then they'd be driven insane from the lack of sustinance. Or something along those lines anyway. Ela didn't really put a whole lot of trust into Rock head. And to be honest he didn't particuarly care. He was having fun playing with this young girl. Although, he did get a lot of glares from others. He thought of how it must've looked. A man that appeared his age, around twenty, playing, "kick the rock" with a young girl of twelve Ela guessed. Once again the heartless didn't particuarly care. He just watched as the rock skipped across the pavement.
It's better, yes... however... there's still the fact that it seems that you've gone back to the single spacing of paragraphs instead of keeping it to the double spacing. That type of spacing... and the spacing concerning dialogue. As I stated before, if something is starting off as spoken word, it gets started in it's own paragraph.
Also... when you're talking about scenery and are describing something, take for example:
The cloud's fluffiness seemed to make it look as if it were a big dollop of whipped cream suspended in the sky.
You see that 'cloud' has an apostrophe 's' because it's showing that the cloud possess the fluffiness. Just as that, the sun would possess the fire that was to 'paint' the scenery.
Still the slight issue with the commas not being added at the end of dialogue in your passages.
Oh yes-- and I should make mention that you're using the wrong 'site/sight'. The 'site/sight' that you're using is actually for things like 'website' or a construction site. Not the visual 'sight'.
Keeping a rather intent focus on Fearon after her trip down memory lane, Kirata watched as he slowly seemed to come back to his being and turned to give her a smile. She wasn't going to complain... after all, it would have been rude of her to do so, and that was one thing she sought not to be.
"I'm sorry, I was... thinking... I was pointing to my gummi ship."[/b]
Gummi ship... she had heard a lot of things about Gummi ships on her travels in the various worlds. Some people that she had met on her journey back to Twilight Town had actually owned a Gummi ship. Quite the odd construction... to her, anyways. Of course, it would have been a lot stranger should the Gummi ships had been built of the actual gummy candy itself like Kirata had originally thought when she was younger.
"There's no need to apologize..." Kirata replied with a warm smile, "everyone gets lost in their thoughts from time to time... it's only bad when you make a habit of it." She gave a light laugh and turned her grey gaze back up to the sky where Fearon had pointed, finally being able to spot the small speck she had missed before.
"Bet it's great getting to travel from world to world in that..." Kirata said, leaning up against the fence more. Her gaze didn't avert from the ship as she said that, though.... Her mind was thinking of what it would have been like to sail with and beyond the stars from time to time. Free of worry... free of concern... just there to admire the beauty that the infinite of space provided.
Post by fearonaris on May 13, 2009 22:51:55 GMT -4
OOC: Okay, so does that mean that every dialog ends with a comma? Even if it's the end to the sentence?
Fearon looked out to the ocean his eyes scanning the waves. Soon, he found his gaze falling on the beach. Watching people who didn't know he was watching. He shook his head and looked out to the sunset.
There's no need to apologize...everyone gets lost in their thoughts from time to time... it's only bad when you make a habit of it.
Fearon nodded. Had he made a habit out of it? Most likely he did. Fearon believed that one's history made oneself. Your history is vital to your current self. It developed you into what you are and will be.
Fearon's history was nothing much. A friend lost here, a friend gained there, and a long lost friend found somewhere else. If he had forgotten any of his history he'd lose a bit of himself. That's something he didn't want. He sighed once again.
Bet it's great getting to travel from world to world in that...
"Well, that all depends on how you spend your time." he said and took a breath. Had he spent his time well? He began to question what he was doing going from world to world. What was he accomplishing? For every heartless he killed two more seemed to appear.
What had he seen on these other worlds? Their majesty and beauty. He thought he'd been to every world. But had he really? Fearon shook his head banishing the thoughts from his mind.
He was getting into thoughts that couldn't be answered by any philosopher. He'd rather not tread that ground. ___________________________________
Penny jumped to her left and planted her foot on the ground certain that the she had blocked the rock. Too bad that at the last second it decided to hit one of it's many corners and hop over her foot.
"Awe," she pouted, "and I thought I had it."
She looked up to the man and smiled.
"Rematch?" she questioned.
She didn't know if she could trust this guy. He had an aura about him that she felt sure that she'd felt before. She just couldn't place it. ______________________________________
Ela smiled as the rock skipped over the girls foot. He won. He wasn't surprised though. Ela always won.
Awe and I thought I had it
Ela looked to the girl and smiled.
"Eh, it's okay. It's only a game after all." Ela said smiling. But then the question of a rematch came along.
"Rematch? Eh, yeah why not. I'm game." He'd been in Town a good while now, so Ansem would probably be angry at his being gone for so long, whatever. He decided that Ansem couldn't get too mad. Could he?
Okay... so... apparently, me explaining it isn't doing much with getting understood... so I'm just going to pull examples from various users and RPers of the site-- mosly other Instructors and Staff members.
Leon
"And I'm not interested in any offer," the scarred man snapped, cool and monotone, still, timing his breathes, counting pace with Flarin's circling. He could hear and see and feel too much still; that would take time yet to adjust to, but it had it's uses, the enhancements from that sickness.
Vaiha
Flarin gave a snort and shook his head, "live here?" he asked rather surprised, "good heavens of all worlds, no. I mean... just look at this place. There's not enough room for me to run around in this place, much less live peacefully. My purpose was to offer a challenge for partnership of the Prince of Fire Wolves. I would also just like to add that having my aid when wanted can prove very benefical for, shall we say, Heartless and Nobody exterminations?"
Yuffie
Turning his head, he narrowed his eyes to get a closer view at the sound. It was coming from a kid, not that much age difference from him, brightly clothed, not overly tall. Aros could sum up this guy in three words; Annoying and Different. And it definitely wasn't that good sort of different that made you unique, it was that sort of different that made you get beat up for not following the flock.
"Hey, put a lid on it," he shouted down the street with narrowed eyes.
Hope that kid was smart. Or maybe he didn't... either way, this was going to be the entertainment of the night, that was for sure.
Sephiroth
“You murdered him! And now you want me to step aside? Yeah, right,” the guard growled, raising a pistol. “Drop your weapon.”
“Tell me,” Sephiroth asked, still holding his sword, “are you a vegetarian?”
“What?” After Sephiroth did not repeat himself, but just continued to stare with eerie emerald eyes, the guard swallowed. “What has that to do with anything?”
“Everything,” Sephiroth replied. “By eating the flesh of other creatures, you must either agree that murder only applies to those of your own species, or that you are a hypocrite.”
“You- you’re not human...”
“Correct.”
“Then.. what are you?”
Sephiroth closed his eyes briefly, then quirked his mouth into a chilling smile. “The beginning of a new era.”
Now... Ad you can see from Sephiroth's example... there are exceptions, though, only if the paragraph is still pretaining to that subject. Also... if the sentence ends with either an exclamation point or a question mark, then it's still safe to continue on with the paragraph-- again, samw rule applies; as long as it still pertains to the same subject.
However... your posting style seems to be getting better.
Keeping her gaze on Fearon for an a response, Kirata had learned to admire what she could from her periphial vision. It wasn't as good as looking at it head on, but at least it was something to savour what it was that was being presented to her. Though, the sunset didn't really matter all the much now, as it was now just a sliver across the horizon, offereing very little to the darkening scenery around them.
Like she had said to Fearon... getting lost in your thoughts was never a bad thing unless you made a habit of it. Turning it into a habit could have resulted in not being able to focus on what was going around at the point and time. One could easily become very heavily wounded or even worse, killed, in battle.Pertaining the Heartless, however... one would definitely not want to become too absorbed in their thoughts, lest their hearts get stolen and they, too, get turned into a Heartless.
History was one that Kirata didn't really pay attention much to. Sure... there were a few bumps along the road in her childhood, but as far as she saw it, she came out a winner... and always will. It was her attitude and optimistic point of view that kept her going. The closest she had been to giving up on something during the course of her life was when she was taken away from Twilight Town and striving to get back to where it was that she loved and belonged.
"Well, that all depends on how you spend your time."
That was a truth, there was no doubt about that. If Kirata were to have had a Gummi ship of her own, she would have been traveling worlds wherever and whenever she could. She had her own reasons to be doing so, but being able to travel to the other worlds and seeing how it was that others lived, or even just the form changes was a thrill.
"Still, though... just to be among the stars and seeing your world from a distance. I'm sure that it's a beautiful sight..." Kirata sighed. She was no philosopher-- well, perhaps a little in her own way. She just liked bringing a smile to people's faces and being able to roll with waves and stand the punches that were thrown in her general direction.
Post by fearonaris on May 19, 2009 19:43:30 GMT -4
(((First off sorry for the lateness. Second, I'll just start typing them up in Mirosoft word)))
Still, though... just to be among the stars and seeing your world from a distance. I'm sure that it's a beautiful sight...
Fearon sighed as he lowered his head, his hair falling into his eyes. Just how many times had he been there; to where his world had once been? He didn't know; all he knew was that his heart wrenched at that moment. His lump formed in his throat as his mind, again, flew back to those days long gone. Absent-mindedly he turned to Kirata, "But just how beautiful is it when you look down to you're world... and it's not there," he asked and looked back down to his feet. He sighed and pushed himself away from the fence, turned, and walked away.
He walked back to the scale size of the Twilight Town's clock tower and looked up to the sky. How many times? How many years? How many heartless? Fearon didn't have the answers. All he knew was killing heartless... it... it helped. For years, all he'd felt was sadness at his loss. His entire world it was gone in the blink of an eye. He couldn’t do a thing. The heartless killed his mother and took his father, he swore he’d kill every one of them… and he’d failed.
Fearon looked down to his feet and closed his eyes; a single tear flowed down his cheek as he sighed. He dried the tear and turned around, “Sorry, I… sorry.”
May 19, 2009 19:43:30 GMT -4
Last Edit: May 19, 2009 20:01:51 GMT -4 by fearonaris
Much better! Keep this up, and you'll be out of here in no time!
However... things I'd like to point out: Still using the wrong type of 'your/you're' for one of the passages you have up. The 'yours/you'res' are as follows:
Your: Showing possession or ownership of something.
You're: Combination of 'you are'.
Looking away as Fearon sighed, Kirata turned her gaze back upon the darkening scenery, her periwinkle ribbons being pulled lightly by the wind that decided to make itself known. She didn't know what it was like knowing what it would be like if her world had been destroyed... her home world had always been Twilight Town. The only feeling of loss that she had really ever experienced was being torn from this world for the past two years. No body really there for her in the others worlds... just a drifter trying to get back to the place she knew and loved.
"But just how beautiful is it when you look down to your world... and it's not there?"
Turning her gaze back to Fearon, the ginger stayed silent for the time being. There wasn't something that she could possibly say that was comforting. Again... she didn't know what it was like... all she could do was offer words of encouragement and her motto to 'always look to the brighter things in life' concept. She stuck by that motto more than anything. There was this belief in her, 'if all you're going to do is look at how everything is bad, then that's what you'll keep presenting yourself with; bad things.'
She watched as her acquaintance made his way to the replica clock tower that stood there on the hill. Thoughts of how the Heartless and Nobodies that plagued the lands was something that Kirata didn't like thinking of. There was one thing that she disliked more than anything, and that was fighting. It was necessary, she recognized that, but she thought it better if there could be some way to just... stop it all.
“Sorry, I… sorry.”
Giving a slightly forced (and hopefully reassuring) smile, Kirata made her way over to Fearon, placing a hand on his shoulder. She sighed lightly and said, "you haven't anything to be apologizing for.... It's alright to show you're emotions, after all... they're what makes us human...."