Dear Merlin

[Aryn007]

Dear Readers,

As of late I have been receiving an influx of questions from various scholars, citizens, and politicians around the Worlds, and it has come to my attention that many of them are, in fact, the same question. So, I have decided to start a small column to help share information.

If you have a question regarding science, literature, magic, talkative mirrors, or anything else you can think of, send them to me, and I will do my best to answer as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

Now for the first batch.

Dear Merlin,

Help! My friend keeps staring at my neck and trying to bite me. I've never seen him do this before. What should I do?

~Bloodless in Seattle.

Dear Bloodless,

It seems that your friend is displaying symptoms of a vampire victim. If you're not careful, you could be next.

A vampire is a creature that subsists by feeding on the blood of the living. Typically, they have elongated canines for sinking into their victims neck or wrist, exhibit a fear of sunlight, and, in some cases, crucifixes.

The Desmodus rotundus, otherwise known as the common vampire bat, occasionally takes victims, like your unfortunate friend. Native to the Latin Americas, most of them understand at least one Spanish dialect and a few words in English. Fortunately, their bites cancel each other out.

I advise you to search the area for any vampire bats and see if you can get one to bite your friend a second time.

~Merlin.

Dear Merlin,

Why's your sugar so mean to all the other things... It's not like they did anything wrong! Right?

~Greatest Ninja in RG

Dear Greatest,

When I purchased the tea set from a vendor back in 1392, it was fifteen percent off. It turned out that the sugar bowl was a victim of a terrible love affair. When the dish ran away with the spoon, the bowl was quite jealous and has been abusing everyone else ever since.

I’ve tried counseling, but by now it’s just no use. I think it is also predisposed to violence. Good tea sets are so hard to find these days…

~Merlin

Dear Merlin,

Is the glass half empty or half full?

~Optimistically Pessimistic.

Dear Optimistically Pessimistic,

The glass needs a refill.

~Merlin

[Aryn007]

Dear Merlin:

What are common ways for a non-spellcaster to tell if a person is under a mind-control or other behavior-modifying spell?

~Suspicious Searcher

Dear Suspicious,

1. Engage in friendly conversation. Typically, the person under mind control or behavior modifying spell will have trouble identifying with subjects regarding their distant past or personal preferences, such as cream or sugar, paper or plastic, etc. I have also noticed that under certain circumstances, the victim may have trouble color coordinating his or her clothing.

2. Place a piece of white quartz under the person’s bed. If it is undisturbed in the morning, you can be sure that there are no supernatural forces acting.

3. Look carefully for signs of a passionate perusal of a seemingly random goal. This is often a sign of being possessed.

4. Those under mind control of behavior modifying spells are often reported to have a dull look in their eyes, dizzy spells, migraines, have a difficult time listening and tend to the argumentative side.

Note: Sometimes people who have gone through a particularly difficult chain of events will experience rapid changes in a very short amount of time and give the impression of being under mind control. They may go through depression or withdrawal, or lash out at people who are close to them. Take care that you do not mistake this for a magical spell!


~Merlin


Dear Merlin,

Is it possible to have a certain connection with a friend that you've lost a while ago? I get these weird images and it feels like that I'm seeing what my friend is seeing and feeling what she's feeling. Can you explain this to me?

Jaded Fire

Dear Jaded,

It is impossible to keep a record of all the different kinds of connections a person can have with on another. There are connections of the Heart, the Spirit, the Mind, the Body, and possibly more that have not been conceived yet. There are some born with the natural ability to connect with spirits in an alternate universe, and there are twins who claim to have a special bond with their siblings, in such a way that they can “feel” what they’re thinking. There are also certain potions designed to increase the ability to connect with the minds of others, as well as herbs and spells.

It is possible that through some magical, physical, spiritual, or metaphysical means, you have developed a unique connection with your friend that allows you to see what she sees and feel what she feels.

Without further detail, it is difficult to say.

~Merlin

Dear Merlin,

Do you know any good wizard jokes?

~Bored in Manhattan

Dear Bored,

xkcd.com/270/

~Merlin

[Aryn007]

Dear Merlin,

I have recently taken up witchcraft, and I have run into a serious roadblock.

I cannot seem to find a practical spell for turning myself invisible. I am not interested in invisibility cloaks as there is too much risk involved in them getting caught on something or some other strange mishap and I am not a shape-shifter.

Any suggestions would be most helpful,

Nouveau Witch


Dear Nouveau,

Unfortunately, the art of turning invisible is one that takes many, many years to practice and develop. There are a few fairies that might be coerced into helping you, but they are not always reliable.

There is also another method, but I do not recommend it. I knew a witch who was in the practice of boiling a pure black cat until the bones fell away. She would then put every single bone in her mouth until she found the one that would turn her invisible. Granted, it had a 100% success rate, but really such cruelty to animals is barbaric and so medieval (not to mention illegal on many Worlds), it is hardly worth your time.

~Merlin

Dear Merlin,

I have a three-year-old daughter who used to be deathly afraid of the closet. Every night she would make me open it just to make sure there wasn’t anything hiding inside. She would cry and bang her fists on the bed. Then all of a sudden, one day she loves the closet and can’t wait to go to bed. She actually tries to shoo me out without even her bed time story!

Can you explain this?

Confused Dad in New York.

Dear Confused,

The closet monsters of Monstropolis recently went through some major revisions, having previously used children’s screams to power their city. It has since been discovered that children’s laughter is far more powerful an energy source, hence they rely on such methods as stand up comedy, physical humor, and other gags to elicit your child’s laughter when the lights go out.

Worry not, my friend, your daughter is getting a good dose of quality entertainment from some of the most skilled comedians in Monstropolis.

~Merlin

Dear Merlin,

How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hoards got bored?

Love, Phorophor

Dear Phorophor,

The Mongol hordes would hoard as many boards as the Mongol hordes could hoard should the Mongol hordes get bored…and provided they had room to hoard more boards. Space is the real issue. Unfortunately, they may never be able to chuck as much as a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

~Merlin