[A] Hana

[mexven4ever]

Name: Hana

Age: 15 1/2

Gender: Female

Species: Human

Position: Good

Power(s): None

Weapon(s): Currently, none

Picture(optional): I'll have the picture up once I finish making it. Her hair keeps coming out wrong.

Appearance: Hana has shoulder length curly white-blond hair. She has large, innocent deep blue eyes that look somewhat like swirling gems. She wears a blue strapless top that is black on the top 1/3 of it and the top is heart shaped. She has a semi-poof black pleated skirt that goes down to just above her knees. Her boots are the same shade of blue as her shirt and have black cross laces that keep them tied. The boots go up to about 3/4 of the way between her ankles and knees. Attached to her shirt is a black hood, which is usually worn down. She also wears a pink heart-shaped locket and blue fingerless gloves.

Personality: Hana is shy, sweet, and cutesy. She is, unfortunately, easily frightened, but will always stand up for what she believes in. She acts as a sort of younger sister, always seeming younger than her age but also really caring for others and is very smart. She also has a chocolate obsession.

Original World: Twilight Town
Current Residing World: Twilight Town

History/Background: Hana was born in Twilight Town and often can be seen hanging out in the woods outside of town and at the beach, her two favorite places because she likes the quiet and the sounds of nature. Hana has always been a bit of a 'fraidy cat, and has been trying her whole life to get more courage. She recently had her 15th birthday, which was interupted by a Heartless attack. She was extremely lucky to escape with her life by hiding and later sneaking away without making too much noise. Now she is very cautious and always fears that they will come back for her.

Role Playing Sample:
Hana sat crossed legged on the beach in Twilight town wearing nothing more than a blue and black tye-dyed bikini and see-through white wrap skirt. She shoved her toes into the warm sand and slid a pair of sunglasses onto her face, leaning back to look up at the sky. Letting a small pile of sand slip between her hands, she wondered if she would ever find adventure in her life.

"Of course," she giggled softly aloud, "knowing myself I would only cower away from it." She sighed as the tide lapped against her ankles. "I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time."

Standing up and wiping the sand off her bottom, Hana rubbed her locket between her fingertips.

"If only," she mumbled to herself, "I could find some way to be brave."

She shook her head and whipped her glasses and wrap into a lawn chair under the shade of an umbrella. Sighing once more, she stepped onto a rock and dove into the ocean.

Questions/Comments/Suggestions?
Okay, I know we are not allowed to use Birth By Sleep characters, but if that is ever changed, I would really love to be allowed to have Ventus (of course I'll make a separate profile for him). Because in the fan-fiction I'm writing for Hana, the two of them become a team and, later, a couple. So....yeah, just asking.

[Ellie who has 0%]

Taking it upon myself to assist with profiles, I've done it before and been trusted to do so, and it's needed. Any problems. PM me

I take it you're new on obvious account. Let's take a trip to this thread shall we, Things you CANNOT make

Yeeah, this profile would be rejected for so many reasons. I would advise opening a word document >> and start from scraatch.

--please ship to rejected--

[mexven4ever]

Well yeah, i read that thread before i made this. and i realize that it is a bit unrealistic and sorta mary sue-ish, but thats kinda what i was going for. anyway, i guess i can fix it so shes just a normal human. just kinda wanted to keep her the same way she is in my fanfic.

[Ellie who has 0%]

D: Sorta would be an understantment, but we shall try to push away from that.

Also I have a pet peeve when people don't do what is ask, especially when its for there benefit. This thread was rejected. You claimed to have read the thread before you made the profile. If so why did you continue to make what won't be accepted.

I even gave the link again, and you still have unacceptable elements such as a keyblade and canon interactions. So Re-READ the entire thread of What you Cannot Make, and try again. ._.;; Seriously girly you made the same mistake twice.

I know you may have a profound connection and love to what you had made, Hana, but you will have to comply with what WD sets up here and standards. So in short, try to keep what you can of Hana like her personality, her appearance (which I will recommend to omit the bit about Kairi. You would want people to see Hana as Hana not a comparison to another character).

Omit the magick she doesn't know. She can alway grow and learn them IC (in character). Omit the keyblade no if, ands, or buts. Redo her history; you cannot have canon interactions unless you have permission from the members (which there aren't any), and I think you would rather have Hana be seen as Hana; in this case, she's a Roxas replacement, while previously she was pretty much a sue for the unrealistic connections.

Keep Tryin

7 days to edit

[mexven4ever]

Oh my gosh, you know you are so right. i'm horribly sorry about all of that. i'll fix it right now. thanks for all of the advice and tips.

[Ellie who has 0%]

Alrighty this is much better. There's not much to critique, since it seems like your character is just starting, since she is just an ordinary girl in an ordinary town. It's refreshing seeing a natural reaction of fear with heartless. XD For some reason the norm is, >O I HATE THEEEM D: they killed my family *angst*

So yes congrats with keeping it fresh, but I'm surprised she haven't ran into a nobody yet, especially wandering in the woods near humanoid Nobodies birthplace.

Now let's tackle down your rp sample.

The main problem people have is how to properly write dialouges. Dialouges either have it's own paragraphs or sits at the beginning or the end of a paragraph.

So it would be:

Standing up and wiping the sand off her bottom, Hana rubbed her locket between her fingertips.

"If only," she mumbled to herself, "I could find some way to be brave."

She shook her head and whipped her glasses and wrap into a lawn chair under the shade of an umbrella. Sighing once more, she stepped onto a rock and dove into the ocean.

Instead of:

Standing up and wiping the sand off her bottom, Hana rubbed her locket between her fingertips. "If only," she mumbled to herself, "I could find some way to be brave." She shook her head and whipped her glasses and wrap into a lawn chair under the shade of an umbrella. Sighing once more, she stepped onto a rock and dove into the ocean.

Clustering in a biig paragraph makes it hard to tell when a dialouge is said, especially when we can make slip ups of forgetting to put quotes; also it's a rule when it comes to writing >> so let's just say it's more grammatically correct.

So fix that up, and you're good to go. I'm not going to probe you for small history and personality, because with the KH drama >> you're character is at her exact Exposition, so you have a lot of time to go through some changes to bulk her up.

Just fix the rp, 3 days, then you're free to go.

*inserts sumbliminal message: ordinary people << >> get through quicker XD there aren't any abilities to make sure is balanced*

[mexven4ever]

Ok, thanks so much.

[Ellie who has 0%]

That's much better, but a word of caution; dialouge is at the beginning and/or end.

"Of course, knowing myself I would only cower away from it," she giggled softly aloud, but sighed as the tide lapped against her ankles, "I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time."

Like that. It will take time to get used to it. Just avoid the clusters of dialouges in a paragraph.



Edit a biiig at the top of your name. Someone shall move this to the accepted section. Also post your profile in the Final Profile: Original Character, and you can start up a Journal and a Relation Tree for Hana.

Happy RPING!