Zerflin

[sagefirefox]

Welcome to the RP Academy, Dankai, my name is Sage and I'll be your Instructor for here.
Here is how this will work:

I would like for you to post to this thread as if posting a new RP thread with your character. I will then see what it is that you can improve on and point them out to you, as well as replying as one of my own characters.

Please understand that this is, by no means, a way to say that your skills are lacking, or that you have been singled out; it is merely a means to assist your growth as a writer and a roleplayer. We all have things to learn from each other; just as I have things I would like to teach you, I'm sure that there's also things that I can learn from you~

The rules are as as follows:

• Respect the site rules. Which means no powerplaying/godmodding other people's characters. I and others don't really care for that type of behavior D:

• Listen to advice. I cannot teach one who will not learn.

• Feel free to disagree If you have issue with something I said, please feel free to point it out. This is a group effort. That said, should you do so, provide reasoning and your alternative views in a calm, rational, and non-confrontational manner, I will treat you with respect, and expect the same treatment in return.

• Have fun. This is a game; furthermore, this is out of plot (unless you later choose to add this into continuity) roleplay. Anything that does not conflict with the rules goes; and that said, we have a little more leeway here. Namely, the location, situation, and anything else are up in the air. If you want to try out something, feel free to do so.

With that said, please allow us to begin! ^^

[kadakimotsu]

Zerflin landed on Traverse Town and walked forward. "What is this place?" Zerflin asked himself. He walked towards the accessory shop. A group of Shadows appeared. “What are these things?!” Zerflin said. He shoved his sword into one of them. The other three jumped at him. “Ah!” Zerflin yelled. He swung in a circle so the sword hit them all. They disappeared. “Gosh!” Zerflin went into the accessory shop and Cid greeted him. “Do you buy pretty stones?” Zerflin said. Cid said yes. “I have forty. How much will I get for that? And what were those shadow things in the ground?!”

[sagefirefox]

From now on, anything said in purple will be me telling you what you can improve on.

First things first, you start off the post by saying he lands in Traverse Town. There is no talk of a gummi ship in a profile or portals to take him from one place to the next. I suggest that you refrain from just saying he drops into a place. A better thing to do is to simply say, "Zerflin walked along the streets of ____" something simple to start it off, or you can even have, "Zerflin hopped down from the roof of a shop..." Saying something as vague as "Zerflin landed on Traverse Town" or "Zerflin jumped and landed onto the street" Just make sure to always state where they are before making them move on to a different place. Also, you don't have to start every sentence with Zerflin like I did there.

Usually I say my characters' names only once or twice for each paragraph I write in a post. You mentioned his name 6 times in just one paragraph, don't worry about saying 'he' too much. Another thing I notice is how very little detail you put into your posts. The trick is to make the post enjoyable to read and putting in description helps. Take a sentence like "He walked through the grass" and turn it into "He trudged through the lush grass, breathing in the scent of bugs, flowers, and not to mention grass." See how much more fun one is to read than the other? Next up I'll mention a sentence of yours and show you what you can do to make it better.

“What are these things?!” Zerflin said. Alright, you put an exclamation mark and a question mark behind that sentence, good use of punctuation, but instead of making Zerflin shout it, scream it, yell it, you made him say it. I don't know about you, but if Heartless popped up in front of me suddenly I would probably scream. After that you say her shoved his swords into one of them, well, where'd he get the sword? "He quickly pulled out his only weapon, a treasured sword, and plunged it into the nearest Heartless." There you go. Next the remaining three Shadows jump at him and while he screams and swings he just happens to get lucky enough to hit all of them. People need to be focused on fighting and an assassin screaming his lungs out like a little girl? Try your best to keep their personalities the way they should be.

“Do you buy pretty stones?” Zerflin said. Cid said yes. Using the action said over and over again gets a bit boring, some better words could be asked, questioned, replied, mumbled, wondered aloud. Any of those will spice up your writing and not make the reader read the same word over and over again. Also, instead of having Cid say yes, because he's not really your character, have him find out in a different way. '"Do you buy pretty stones?" he asked and paused when he saw several stones already lined up in display cases with signs reading USED AND NEW by them.' Something like that, because we don't want you getting called out by the real Cid for playing their character.

That's it for now, just remember to make those posts nice and add description! Now I apologize for a short post as it's late and I just got done making a rather long list for you to work on.

---

Sage walked into the accessory shop, she didn't have enough munny here to buy something, but it was always nice to just look around. She wouldn't dream of ever stealing here, due to the fact that whenever she revisited this world she always stopped her. By now that blond-haired man at the front desk probably recognized her when she walked in, but who knew? There was a boy talking about selling his 40 pretty stones to make some munny and she sauntered up to him. Coolly she propped her elbows up on a glass case and mentioned, "Pretty stones, huh? I don't suppose you'd tell me where you found those?"[/color] Sage wouldn't mind getting her hands on some pretty stones like this kid and then being able to trade them in for munny as well. What could one say? With Sage, everything revolved around munny... and Firefoxes.

[kadakimotsu]

"Huh? Oh these.. Well I um.. Found them." Zerflin didnt want to say that he stole them from a dead man in front of the shop owner. It was hard enough cleaning the gore off them, let alone anyone knowing he stole them. He asked the woman"Is there any way I could help you? Maybe for some munny?" He whispered. He quickly looked back at the shop owner. "Can I sell these Pretty Stone or not?" He demanded.

When he finally exchanged them for a reasonable price, he manuvered back to the woman. "My name's Zerflin. Yours?" He expected a reply.

[sagefirefox]

Excellent, you're making wonderful progress! "Huh? Oh these.. Well I um.. Found them." There are just two things I'd like to mention in that sentence if you'd like to make him pause, try using three periods instead of one so it's more spaced out and looks correct. Also, you don't need to capitalize the first word after you use the ellipses (the ...) because it does not count as a period. So, here's what it should look like, "Huh? Oh these... well I um... found them." See? It was hard enough cleaning the gore off them, let alone anyone knowing he stole them. Good description, it's always makes me smile when you tell the RPer what happened. A lot of people can get creative with such things and its great that you picked up such a skill without my help. One thing though, did you mean to say, 'let alone trying to not let anyone know he stole them'?

Just a couple things I've been noticing. Didnt shouldn't be spelled like that, but like didn't. Before putting quotation marks, make sure to always put a space between the last word and the quotation more. After your character says something, you don't have to capitalize the word after that. So, here's what I'm talking about...

• 'It was a nice sunny day and Relena hated it. She breathed out and complained, (See the comma? You should use it just about every time you're continuing a sentence) "It's too hot!"' There's one example, when you're finishing a sentence with someone speaking just add a comma and a space before it. Next!
• '"Have you seen a girl with gold hair and pink eyes?" he (See how I didn't need to capitalize the 'h' in he because it was finishing a sentence?) asked a person walking toward him. Edmund had been searching for Delilah now and still nothing was turning up.' There are other examples in which you don't even need to have words before or after the quotation marks.
• '"Finally," (We put a comma there because we're putting words after it) Sage growled as she set her new weapon aside, (Comma again) "I thought I'd never find the entrance for this shop!"'
• 'A lone figure was approaching and if he squinted he could just make out a long sword hanging down. "Hello there, I'm Edmund, what's your name?" It was always nice to greet people happily.' When Edmund spoke there, it was just one sentence.

So knowing where to put commas and when to capitalize words are tricky things to know, if you're still not getting something, just let me know! ^^ I know I kind of went overboard there. When he finally exchanged them for a reasonable price, he maneuvered back to the woman. Good! I really like that sentence. Alright, my reply.

---

Sage narrowed her eyes at the boy's hesitation. He may be older (in fact he was) but there was a good chance that he wasn't smarter than Sage. Her guess was proved when he look at her and whispered low enough for just the two of them to hear, "Is there any way I could help you? Maybe for some munny?" She snorted as she leaned onto the glass case for support. He wanted to know if there was anyone she needed to be taken care of!

What a joke this was due to the fact that Sage probably didn't know anyone well enough to deem them friend or enemy. Well... except for a select few who had become her friends. "Kid,"[/color] she laughed while trying to maintain a serious face, "I'm flat-our broke!"[/color] It was true, she barely had enough munny to eat each day. Lucky enough, if you killed a Heartless around these parts they were sure to drop stolen munny.

"My name's Zerflin. Yours?"

Well, he certainly wasn't wasting his time here. She searched his expression to find that he seemed to expect the most out of people. Well, if was he wanted was her name, she didn't need to give it. Whatever happened to manners and politeness toward women? She sniffed and tilted her head up, to look more important, "Sage, so where'd you really find those stones?"[/color] She wasn't going to let him get away with keeping to himself where he found those stones. He could share the loot, couldn't he?

[kadakimotsu]

"Well, if you would just follow my outside, I could talk to you more openly," he said. He was willing to share some information. He then said, "How does that sound?" he replied to himself. He lifted his boots as he stepped towards the door. He put his hand on the handle and looked back. "So, what do you say? Wanna go outside and talk?" he finished talking.

[sagefirefox]

Alright, lets try to make your post longer and move descriptive now. Simple things can add length to your post while still making your reader entertained. The trick is to not make it so long that your reader is bored to death, if it bored you, it's going to bore them. Instead of saying He lifted his boots as he stepped towards the door. say, 'He lifted his heavy boots as he stepped toward the door. With each step the floorboards creaked and Zerflin wondered how such a wonderfully built place could be equipped with creaking floors.'

Description points:
• Boots are heavy
• Floor boards creak
• Nice place

He then said, "How does that sound?" he replied to himself. If you read, that sentence doesn't quite make sense. It may make perfect sense to you, but you should be thinking, "Will the reader understand?" Remember, using the word said after everything is boring. I don't know if this will help much, since there are words that not even I get, but here's a site giving you some descriptive words for writing. Some have to do with talking, coyly, joyfully, etc. Click. Also, I just noticed now that I called you Dankai, my apologies. ^_^;;

He put his hand on the handle and looked back. This all seems to be one continuous thing. He walked toward the door. He put his hand on the handle. He looked back. No! 'He walked toward the door slowly, taking his sweet time to give Sage time to think about what she was going to do. Finally he had reached the door and just as slow as ever put his hand on the knob. Grinning to himself at him cunningness Zerflin glanced back at the woman.' I made practically a paragraph out of that. Use description, take your time, make it interesting. Just by adding simple descriptive things in there, your post becomes longer as well.

So that's it for now. P.S. "So, what do you say? Wanna go outside and talk?" he finished talking. No need to state the obvious, we know he finished talking xD

---

He really must think she was stupid. This kid... Zerflin, he wanted to talk to her outside, away from the company of an old man, away from any chance of safety? Having her make him look stupid in front of the store owner probably didn't appeal to him. If he was someone who killed people or taught them a lesson for money, then he was going to probably kill her as soon as she stepped out the door. Though what he wasn't expecting was a person that could shift into a fox. She smirked as she muttered to herself, "Bet you've never seen one of those before."[/color]

Sage lifted her eyes as he got to the door and asked if she was coming outside or not. Well, he was in for a surprise if he was going to try and kill her or ambush her. She gave a quick nod and headed toward the door.

[kadakimotsu]

Zerflin flickered his eyes. He walked out the door and trudged to the small wall in front of the shop. He waited for Sage to come out. His mind wandered off. He thought about his last kill.

The man's little son was watching and balling his eyes out.Couldnt have been older than four. When the gore splattered on his face... No! Don't let that get to you! You've killed plenty of people. You've even killed kids down to fourteen. He left his thoughts in the wind. As he waited, he looked at his sword. It's shine was amazing in the moon light.

[sagefirefox]

You're still making the sentences where all you do is say 'He came out. He looked over to the lamp. He wondered what lit it.' Try to say 'He came out of Cid's shop rather pleased that he sold the stones. As he looked over to the lamp on his right he wondered just what was giving off that bright glow, electricity or a single flame?' I know you can do it, just read what I've been suggesting and try to do it yourself. Remember, I'm here to teach you and you're here to learn, I don't want to end up giving advice to someone who's not willing to put it to use.

Still try to work on getting your posts to be longer, but you seem to have his personality down. The man's little son was watching and balling his eyes out.Couldnt have been older than four. What simple errors that pop up like in this sentence. It should look like, "The man's little son was watching and bawling his eyes out (At what? Be more descriptive).[space]Couldn't have been (much) older than four." The things in bold are simple mistakes that could have been fixed if you had looked over your post.

Remember what you need to work on, and try to improve on them.

---

She pushed open the door to the outside, nice of that guy to hold it open for her. So he had a weapon and she only had tiny claws, Sage could still take him down. She flexed her fingers as she took her hand out the door, the first thing to shift would have to be her hand. After looking to the side of the door she saw him. Her eyes narrowed as she walked over to him and put her hands on her hips. Whatever it was he had to tell her had to be pretty secretive and she gave him a look that practically screamed 'What?' She didn't like the idea of being dragged away from her window shopping to hear someone's stupid secret.