In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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Sky walked down a dark road painted with,he looked around to the clock tower on his right and sighed "these heartless attacks are really annoying now" he continued to walked down the road and a few neoshadows surfaced in front of him.
"FAITH!" he shouted as a light ray came down a incinerated the heartless.He then walked further down tthe road until he reached a mysterious keyhole on the walls of the clock tower.
"the only way to find out whats on the other side is to....."he took in a big deep breath.
"BREAK DOWN THE WALL LIKE A MANIAC" He then grabbed a conveniently place sledge hammer and broke down the wall,revealing a giant blue pulsating heart.This moment of staring into the heart but interrupted by a crash of thunder and a mass spawn of shadow heartless jumping at the heart "this doesnt look to good" the walls of the world started crumbling and turning to dust.
"AND THAT LOOKS EVEN WORSE!" he shouted "hah!the heartless must be behind this so i gotta get rid of them" He shot light rays at the heartless taking out a few.
He did 2 grueling hours of facing heartless and saving civilians until the heartless count was reduced to zero he
Suddenly he felt dizzy,his vision swirling,he dropped to the ground and felt something in his hand it was soft and squishy.
"IS THIS DOG POOP!" he exclaimed as the smell made him lose conciousness.
Suddenly the woman sank to her knees,feeling dizzy,and rested her head in her hands.
Would become:
Suddenly the woman sank to her knees, feeling dizzy, and rested her head in her hands.
2. Capitalize the beginning of a sentence in quotation marks, and put punctuation before the last quotation mark. EX:
"these heartless attacks are really annoying now" he continued to walked down the road.
Becomes:
"These heartless attacks are really annoying now." He continued to walk down the road.
OR:
"These heartless attacks are really annoying now," he said as he began to walk down the road.
3. Avoid run-on sentences. If a sentence goes on for too long, stop (in a logical place!). For example:
The girl was really tired she wanted to go to bed "Mom, I'm tired," she said loudly so her mom could hear because the house was big and sound got lost easily.
This sentence could be chopped up or split with commas. See proper use of commas here. (You should especially take a look at Rule 12 and 14.) One way you could fix the above sentence would be as follows:
The girl was really tired, and she wanted to go to bed. "Mom, I'm tired," she said loudly so her mom could hear. The house was big and sound got lost easily.
There are a variety of ways you could chop up and combine sentences. ;]
4. Please remember to go over and reread everything you type before you post it. I can spot multiple simple typos (such as 'tthe' instead of 'the) and sentences that you just seem to drop off or don't make sense. For example:
He did 2 grueling hours of facing heartless and saving civilians until the heartless count was reduced to zero he
By the way, there is a 'modify' button to the top right of each of your posts.
Okay. Now keeping the above in mind, try rewriting that RP sample. Feel free to ask any questions. We can also end the lesson whenever you'd like.
Jan 25, 2011 23:38:35 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 25, 2011 23:40:12 GMT -4 by Zephiris
i got i extended it a bit and changed up a few things
Sky walked down a dark road painted with, he looked around to the clock tower on his right and sighed "These heartless attacks are really annoying now." He continued to walk down the road as a few neoshadows surfaced in front of him.
"FAITH!" he shouted as a light ray came down a incinerated the heartless. He then walked further down tthe road until he reached a mysterious keyhole on the walls of the clock tower.
"the only way to find out whats on the other side is to....." he took in a big deep breath.
"BREAK DOWN THE WALL LIKE A MANIAC" He then grabbed a conveniently place sledge hammer and broke down the wall,revealing a giant blue pulsating heart. This moment of staring into the heart but interrupted by a crash of thunder and a mass spawn of shadow heartless jumping at the heart "this doesnt look to good" the walls of the world started crumbling and turning to dust.
"AND THAT LOOKS EVEN WORSE!" he shouted "hah!the heartless must be behind this so i gotta get rid of them" He shot light rays at the heartless taking out a few.
He did 2 grueling hours of facing heartless and saving civilians until the heartless count was reduced to zero.
Suddenly he felt dizzy, his vision swirling, he dropped to the ground and felt something in his hand it was soft and squishy.
"IS THIS DOG POOP!" he exclaimed as the smell made him lose conciousness.
A few years down the line....
"Hey what are you guys talking about" Sky said
"Nothing!" one boy said in a nervous voice
"Come on thats what we usually say to Sam, Johnny man i know you were talking about something" he said patting the boy on the back"
"We were talking about nothing" the next boy said
"Yeah see even Night over there agrees" said Johnny
"Fine whatever" Sky said, "Wanna go grab a pizza" he said holding out a dollar bill and started running towards the pizza shop,Night and Johnny ran after him.
"WAIT A SEC WHERES MY DOLLAR" Johnny said
"HAHAHAHA" Sky laughed running even faster until suddenly he stopped a big dark hole was opening in the ground in front of him.He pulled out a swords dalgon and palkon gesturing to Night and Johnny to stay back suddenly, a darkside surfaced in front of sky. The darkside suddenly sprouted a mass count of neoshadows, Sky ran towards the neoshadows and cut them down with his cross-blade special move.
"Drive Form: Nobody" Sky then transformed into a human like nobody and charged at the darkside saying "dark firaga" shooting a dark fireball at the darkside stunning it giving him enough time to activate palkon and teleport behind the darkside then activating dalgon attacking it from seemingly all sides and one time.
First of all, please stop adding to the sample. You haven't actually fixed all the problems from the first bit, and in typing more you're simply adding more mistakes.
Many of the problems I listed last time are still around. For example:
1. Capitalize beginning of ALL sentences, both in quotation marks and in general.
"the dog." = "The dog." the dog barked. = The dog barked.
2. Punctuation before the end of quotations.
"The dog"
Becomes
"The dog,"
OR
"The dog."
3. Put spaces after commas or periods at the end of a sentence.
The dog barked,and continued to run.
Becomes
The dog barked, and continued to run.
4. Shorten run-on sentences, or split sentences that are tied together when they shouldn't be. EX:
Sky then transformed into a human like nobody and charged at the darkside saying "dark firaga" shooting a dark fireball at the darkside stunning it giving him enough time to activate palkon and teleport behind the darkside then activating dalgon attacking it from seemingly all sides and one time.
This is a huge sentence! Drawn out like this, it really makes no sense.
The darkside suddenly sprouted a mass count of neoshadows, Sky ran towards the neoshadows and cut them down with his cross-blade special move.
This comma is unnecessary. Do you see how you've joined two complete sentences together? A period should take the comma's place.
Please make sure you've gone over all of my advice before replying, so that we don't have to listen to repeated suggestions. ;]
Now for new issues:
1. Punctuation! Remember to put either a period, question mark, or exclamation point at the end of every sentence. There are multiple occasions where you forget to do so. EX:
"Nothing!" one boy said in a nervous voice
Should be,
"Nothing!" one boy said in a nervous voice.
Please rewrite the RP sample again with the above corrections.
Jan 27, 2011 0:34:42 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 27, 2011 0:36:56 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Sky walked down a dark road painted with rain, he looked around to the clock tower on his right and sighed "These heartless attacks are really annoying now." He continued to walk down the road as a few neoshadows surfaced in front of him.
"FAITH!" He shouted as a light ray came down a incinerated the heartless. He then walked further down tthe road until he reached a mysterious keyhole on the walls of the clock tower.
"The only way to find out whats on the other side is to....." He took in a big deep breath.
"BREAK DOWN THE WALL LIKE A MANIAC," He then grabbed a conveniently place sledge hammer and broke down the wall,revealing a giant blue pulsating heart. This moment of staring into the heart but interrupted by a crash of thunder and a mass spawn of shadow heartless jumping at the heart " This doesnt look to good," The walls of the world started crumbling and turning to dust.
"AND THAT LOOKS EVEN WORSE!" he shouted " Hah!the heartless must be behind this so i gotta get rid of them" He shot light rays at the heartless taking out a few.
He did 2 grueling hours of facing heartless and saving civilians until the heartless count was reduced to zero.
Suddenly he felt dizzy, his vision swirling, he dropped to the ground and felt something in his hand it was soft and squishy.
" IS THIS DOG POOP!" He exclaimed as the smell made him lose conciousness.
A few years down the line....
"Hey what are you guys talking about." Sky said,
"Nothing!" One boy said in a nervous voice,
"Come on thats what we usually say to Sam, Johnny man i know you were talking about something" He said patting the boy on the back"
"We were talking about nothing," The next boy said,
"Yeah see even Night over there agrees." Said Johnny,
"Fine whatever," Sky said, "Wanna go grab a pizza," He said holding out a dollar bill and started running towards the pizza shop,Night and Johnny ran after him.
"WAIT A SEC WHERES MY DOLLAR!" Johnny said,
"HAHAHAHA!" Sky laughed running even faster until suddenly he stopped a big dark hole was opening in the ground in front of him. He pulled out swords dalgon and palkon signalling to Night and Johnny to stay back suddenly, a darkside surfaced in front of sky. The darkside suddenly sprouted a mass count of neoshadows. Sky ran towards the neoshadows and cut them down with his cross-blade special move.
"Drive Form: Nobody" Sky then transformed into a human like nobody and charged at the darkside saying "Dark Firaga," Stunning it giving him enough time to move behind the darkside and finish the creature.
Did i finish what you asked im pretty sure im finished
Not quite. Are you rereading everything to make sure you get all the mistakes?
For example, I still see no spaces after some commas. You also need punctuation for the following:
1. Before a quote. EX:
Then she said "Hi, my friend!"
Should be:
Then she said, "Hi, my friend!"
2. Before the end of a quote.
"Hi, my friend" she said.
Should be:
"Hi, my friend," she said.
And by the way, commas do not end sentences. Periods do. Please go through and fix this as well. EX:
"Hi, there," he said,
Should be:
"Hi, there," he said.
Sorry, but please go over the sample again. We can move on after you've mastered these writing fundamentals. You've improved a bunch since your first attempt. ;]
Jan 28, 2011 1:09:56 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 28, 2011 1:11:07 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Sky walked down a dark road painted with rain, he looked around to the clock tower on his right and sighed "These heartless attacks are really annoying now. " He continued to walk down the road as a few neoshadows surfaced in front of him.
"FAITH!" He shouted as a light ray came down a incinerated the heartless. He then walked further down tthe road until he reached a mysterious keyhole on the walls of the clock tower.
"The only way to find out whats on the other side is to....." He took in a big deep breath.
"BREAK DOWN THE WALL LIKE A MANIAC, " He then grabbed a conveniently place sledge hammer and broke down the wall, revealing a giant blue pulsating heart. This moment of staring into the heart but interrupted by a crash of thunder and a mass spawn of shadow heartless jumping at the heart. " This doesnt look to good. " The walls of the world started crumbling and turning to dust.
"AND THAT LOOKS EVEN WORSE!" he shouted " Hah!the heartless must be behind this so i gotta get rid of them. " He shot light rays at the heartless taking out a few.
He did 2 grueling hours of facing heartless and saving civilians until the heartless count was reduced to zero.
Suddenly he felt dizzy, his vision swirling, he dropped to the ground and felt something in his hand it was soft and squishy.
" IS THIS DOG POOP!" He exclaimed as the smell made him lose conciousness.
A few years down the line....
"Hey what are you guys talking about, " Sky said.
"Nothing!" One boy said in a nervous voice.
"Come on thats what we usually say to Sam, Johnny man i know you were talking about something" He said patting the boy on the back".
"We were talking about nothing, " The next boy said.
"Yeah see even Night over there agrees." Said Johnny.
"Fine whatever, " Sky said, "Wanna go grab a pizza, " He said holding out a dollar bill and started running towards the pizza shop. Night and Johnny ran after him.
"WAIT A SEC WHERES MY DOLLAR!" Johnny said.
"HAHAHAHA!" Sky laughed running even faster until suddenly he stopped a big dark hole was opening in the ground in front of him. He pulled out swords dalgon and palkon signalling to Night and Johnny to stay back suddenly, a darkside surfaced in front of sky. The darkside suddenly sprouted a mass count of neoshadows. Sky ran towards the neoshadows and cut them down with his cross-blade special move.
"Drive Form: Nobody. " Sky then transformed into a human like nobody and charged at the darkside saying, "Dark Firaga, " Stunning it giving him enough time to move behind the darkside and finish the creature.
Well, close enough. You've improved from the beginning, and that's what matters. I won't spend much more time on the grammar - I'm rather headbutting a wall at this point anyway. Let's move on, shall we?
Create a starter RP post like you would in one of our boards, using any character you wish, in any setting you would like. Have it be around 300 words. I shall use an old character of mine and practice roleplaying with you.
Note: everything that occurs in this thread is simply an example. When we've finished, these events taking place between our characters will never have happened.
Jan 29, 2011 2:50:46 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 29, 2011 2:51:46 GMT -4 by Zephiris
