Syd (Finished)

[codester]

Name: Sydolphus
Nick name : Syd
Age : 25 appearance 35
Gender : Male
Species : Human
position : Good

Powers: none

weapons : Bionic Arm: When Uncle Syd's family was attacked he used his welding hammer to defend them. Then a shadow heartless can up and slashed his arm off. Syd made himself a bionic arm out of a titanium and steel alloy.It can lift up to two hundred pounds. All types of magic can harm his arm Fire can melt it. Thunder can fire the arms circuits. And blizzard can freeze the the circuits. Also Uncle Syd installed a retractable blade that is two feet long.


Appearance : Uncle Syd is six foot nine inches like most of the men is his family. His bionic arm is a silver color with a dragon spray painted onto his arm. His other arm's muscle length is six inches. Syd has a tan skin. He weighs about two hundred and sixty pounds because of he is strongly built and his bionic arm weighs fifty pounds. Uncle Syd wears a white sleeveless shirt, brown jeans and white shoes. Sydolphus is bald. With Green eyes

Personality: The first thing you have to know is that Uncle Syd is a huger he loves to hug people he's like a kid on the inside, and he is just like a big teddy bear. The only person he doesn't like is his older brother because when they were growing Syd's older brother would yell at his mom. He fears his family getting hurt he all ways told them that he would give an arm for them and he did. He gains strength from his family and friends. He has a talent and makes a hobby from welding. He doesn't have any secrets. He finds life interesting. The only thing that Uncle Syd finds annoying is the heartless and the constant appearance of them, having to kill them because there is no one strong enough that he knows of living in traverse town. When Syd is in battle he is very tense but he knows it is to protect his family form the monsters called heartless. He cares about his family because of him being a child at heart.

Original world : Traverse Town

Current world : Traverse Town

History: The first born child to the Indours family was a boy, who they named James. After two years twins were born to the Indours family, the daughter was called Tracy, And the son was named Sydolphus. The older brother James was annoyed that his too siblings were getting more attention then he was.

When Sydolphus was five years old, his father Robert told them that a year ago monsters called heartless attacked Traverse Town. Sydolphus didn't remember the event that his father talked about. Later that evening Syd asked his father why he didn't remember the heartless attack. His father replied that they mainly attacked the Third District.

Two years later there was another heartless attack, but a man could summon snakes that would do his bidding killing the heartless with elegance. Syd ran around Traverse town looking for the man, but he vanished with out a trace.

Around the time when Syd was eight, his brother was getting more and more rebellious to his mom because Robert wasn't around. At these times Syd would comfort his sister.

When Syd was ten he saw a welder making a buckler, and upon seeing this Syd knew that was the job he was going to have when he grew up. He entered the blacksmith shop and asked the welder if he could teach Syd how to weld. The welder said yes and told Syd that his name was Kain. Then he told Syd to ask his parents if it was all right to come. When Syd got home his parents said yes.

Every day Syd would go to Kain's shop for a lesson on welding and to make Cybernetics. That day Syd made a small robot.

When Syd was Twelve, after two years being taught by Kain, there was a fire at his house and the shop burned down. By the time Syd got there, all that was left was a welding hammer, a few metal chunks, and bones. Syd just sat down and cried for at least an hour. This was probably the reason why he is still a child at heart. Syd picked up the blacksmith hammer and walked home.

That evening when Syd got home, Tracy told Syd that James had run away. Because of this, his mom had a mental break down and had to go to a nursing home. They had to stay with Aunt Stacy and her two kids for a while until there father got back from staying with there mom.

When Syd was fifteen he made his first mini cannon. He took it to a school yard sale so the could get new playground equipment for the younger kids.

Five years later Syd and Tracy were still living with there Aunt. That was when there was another heartless attack. When they had entered Syd's aunt's house, Syd told them to run and lock the closet door. He told them to not come out until he said it was safe. Running down the hall Syd grabbed his welding hammer and attacked the heartless. He Killed them with great ease, but one sneaked behind Syd and cut his arm off. Syd, using all of his strength, destroyed the heartless. Wrapping the wound with gauze, Syd told his family to come out. When Tracy saw the wound, she used cura to help heal it back. Most of Syd's arm was healed, except for a small portion that would heal on its own. Syd, with his welding hammer in his hand, walked into his welding shop and started his work.


For five years Syd worked on his Bionic arm. He worked day and night, only taking short breaks. On his 25 birthday it was complete.


Syd made a Blacksmith shop in the first district of Traverse Town. Tracy had Been living by herself during the time it took for Syd to make his new arm. She also helped Syd by buying Syd another blacksmith shop.

Rp sample: Syd walked across the first district humming to himself. He walked in front of his shop, turned, and walked inside. He walked behind his counter, and polished a buckler. After a few hours, Syd wen't to the front of his shop and switched the open sign to closed. Then he went to bed.

The next day Syd woke up, and opened his shop. Around noon, a man wearing a white trench coat, black leather pants, and a finger less glove on his right hand approached the counter. Syd remembered the man. It was the person that saved Traverse Town from the heartless threat eighteen years ago.

The man walked up to Syd, and lifted a lock of hair showing his eye. It was an eye that looked like a snakes eye. Syd just stood there shocked. After a few seconds the man started to walk away, and told Syd his name was Connak.

The rest of the day was slow, the only other person that came to Syd's shop was a little kid that bought three wooden swords. Syd ate then he closed the shop and went for a walk around Traverse Town. Some heartless appeared, but they were no match for Syd's bionic arm.

Syd stopped at his aunt's to say hi. He knocked on the door, and waited for a few seconds. His aunt answered the door, and asked him to come in. Syd's aunt made him some tea. He drank it while she asked about Syd's shop. He told her that business has been slow, and that the man that saved Traverse Town eighteen years ago stopped by. With that Syd stood up and left.

On his way home Syd hummed to himself. When he got home he unlocked the door, and walked off to bed.

Early in the morning, Syd made some breakfast and a glass of orange juice. After he was done eating, he went and unlocked his shop door and went to his back room and started to make a sword. He heard the bells ring, and he walked out of the back room and said hi to the customer. He then asked them what they were looking for. The customer said that he was looking for a long sword and a buckler. After paying for it, the customer walked out of Syd's shop. Syd then went to his back room and finished making the long sword.

Syd got up and made himself some lunch. After lunch, he went for a walk. He walked down to the third district which was closed off because of safety matters. He sat down on a bench and started to hum. After about thirty minutes, he got up and looked around to find materials for some new armor. After killing a few heartless that attacked him, he had gathered enough materials for a new plate of armor. He then walked back to his shop and began working. After creating a new plate of armor, he went to his room and rested for the next day.

[codester]

bored waiting waiting (two hours later) waiting waiting

[Shun]

I would like to inform you that there are many other people that have been waiting for a review as well... and way longer than you. These kinds of comments don't speed up the process of profile checking and, besides, it's only been a day since you posted your profile.

[codester]

i was just kidding i know there isn't that much staff members online

[Ellie who has 0%]

Appearance: You need to extend it, because it's not 100 words and you truly cut it off at an incomplete sentence.

Personality: You have 1 run-on sentence you need to tend to.
Expand on his personality as an individual. I truly don't see a lot in this character, depth-wise. It's just very simplistic and cookie-cutter, and sometimes a character can be hard to continue to rpg, because he's flat. If you see him in other 'spectrums', he can be more rounded.

What doesn't he likes? It's obviously more than just heartless; no one doesn't dislike one thing. Also he doesn't like he brother yelling out his mom. Perhaps it's yelling and hostility altogether? How does he functions or reacts in such situations? Does this connects why he acts so childish and is child-at-heart? Or better yet, why is he always 'huggy'? Seriously it may seem creepy for a 25 yr old who looks 35...to be a hugging teddy bear. There's a reason for this, which can be a secret, simply because...everyone has one regardless of its importances.

Elaborate on...talent in wielding. What does that..even mean? Anyone can 'wield' or 'hold' just about anything. Also how is it a hobby? It's truly too vague of a concept to understand.

The last sentence is truly irrelevant...and a filler, so omit it. How about expanding it to show his 'family man' nature.

Also a helpful hint. Organization is key; if you organize things properly you can have your words flow smoothly like a rive from one stream to another.

So you can first start of light.
- How is he out in public?
- What are his hobbies?
- Whar are his dislikes? (which can be heartless, violence etc)

- How is he with his family?

History;;
This is where you pull out the big guns, because one's history explains the character's personality in regards to where it originated, the method to his madness.

You have too many run-ons that it's concerning if you are inept to be apart of this rpg. This is not to discourage, but to encourage for you to watch how you write. Stay away from writing long sentences if you can't do it grammatically correct.

Tip 1: Re-read your history out loud.

- You should chart your charries whereabouts corresponding to the KH games. Where was he during BBS, KH1, KH2, etc. Please be mindful of the KH timeline. For example BBS is 10 yrs before KH1.

Questions that needs to be clarified in your history:
- How is Syd the most caring child? What did he do in contrast from his siblings at such a young age for his caring nature to be noted for, and how were they different in comparison to Syd?
- Who is Anna?
- I assume that Syd and Tracey are twins? (They're the same age)
- Why was James more rebellious? It's nicer to blatantly say it was because daddy wasn't around. Perhaps he was a daddy's boy. Also how far can Dad truly be...in little Traverse Town? Don't jump up and say GUMMI SHIP, since you need to attach the kh timeline to your charrie first; Gummiships were invented at a specific time and wasn't a well-known object.
- How much did his 'taking out his anger on his mom' escalated?
- I doubt James will be snatching money for gummi rides, so his 'exit' needs to change.
- Who's Stacey? (You should really state these characters name at the beginning to prevent confusion) Also where did these cousins came from? XD It's just odd how you never mentioned them until now...as if they were always there.
- You should really focus on important things...stuff like 'thinking his cousins' name is a nice name...have nothing to do with your character's history.
- At the age of 21, when the heartless attacked Syd's Aunt's house...who told them to hid in the closet?
- Also...your charrie is 30 in his history not....25. Also he's technically not an uncle...and doesn't have nephews.
- Question: What does Syd do for a living?

RP Sample,

You should re-read for gramma issues, and you need to STAY IN 3rd PERSON. You flip back and forth.

5 days

[codester]

updated/finished

[Ellie who has 0%]

//Please highlight your edits using the following code



[color=red][/color]


[codester]

modified

[Larxene]

Hey Code, Mousey here and I will be taking over this profile.

Let’s get things started shall we?

Appearance: Previously Ellie requested that you expand upon your character’s appearance. You should have at least 100 words. It doesn’t seem like you fixed that, as you’re still under that count and you end on a sentence fragment: “With green eyes”. Revise this, add a little more, and appearance should be good to go.

Personality: I read what Ellie had to say about your character’s personality, read your edited profile, and I can’t help but feel that you really didn’t change anything in it. You have a few run-on sentences in there that makes it hard to comprehend what you are saying as well. I suggest reading what Ellie had to say about your character’s personality once more – she has a lot of good points – and fix up your personality based upon what she says.

History: The red text denotes that you made changes to it. While I don’t know what your original history was, some things in the new one jump out at me.

You talk about how Syd’s brother got more rebellious because Robert – who I can only assume is their father – was not around. But then in the very next paragraph, where Syd needs to ask his parent(s) permission to apprentice as a welder, it sounds like he has both his parents around, when it really just seems his mother is.

Another thing that bothers me is the pacing of your character’s age in regards to the Heartless. Apparently they have been attacking Traverse Town since before he was four years old… He’s 25 now, so that would reason that the Heartless have been around in Traverse Town for 20+ years. This isn’t possible. The Heartless didn’t start attacking worlds in mass until 10 years before the original Kingdom Hearts, when Xehanort’s experiments on hearts more or less unleashed them from the Realm of Darkness. Only a few appeared prior to that, in the Birth by Sleep era, because Master Xehanort was already so steeped in Darkness that he could call upon a handful. From Xehanort’s experiments to where KH2 ends, the Heartless have only been around in mass for about 13-14 years give or take. Simply, they could not be around when you say they were in Syd’s history.

Another thing you do in Syd’s history is bring up details that never come up again. You mention a man who could command snakes, yet he’s never seen again, nor does his appearance seem to have any lasting effects on your characters. He makes a cannon and sells it to build a playground for kids, yet we see nothing from this having an effect on your character.

Also at the very end, about him getting a new Blacksmith shop, after that it sounds like his sister just buys him another… so he has two now? Or did she help him get that one? It needs clarification.

To fix this, I suggest researching the KH timeline, since he lives in Traverse Town, and then write your characters time-line along that. What is your character doing while BbS is going on? KHI? KHII? CoM? Etc.~ Essentially, find where your character fits in the overall progression of the KH universe and write about that. Also cut out the minute details that don’t have an effect on your character. If they don’t shape your character, don’t include them. If they do, elaborate how they affect your character, what are their lasting effects?

RP Sample: My major problem with this is that it’s just a long list of what Syd is doing most of the time. It’s third person, like Ellie asked, but it’s very flat. It’s all “Syd did this, Syd did that.” All action and no spirit, now soul. What is Syd thinking, how does he feel? How does he describe the world around him? How does he view things? There is more to RP than you’re character just doing something – they need to analyze their situation and surroundings, try to comprehend situations, think on their choices, what they see, before they simply do.

I really don’t think this is something that can be fixed by merely editing your profile, though. This will need to be fixed through practice, so once your profile is in final order I’m going to send you to the RP academy. The best way to fix characterization problems is to actually RP them out.

Feel free to change up your example though. If you’ve fixed your style in the last few weeks, now would be the time to show me and change my mind. ;D

Oh, and one last thing~

Powers: You state your character has no powers, but I think you might have read that wrong. Powers is just not magical abilities; they can also be talents that your character has. And from the sound of things, Syd sounds like he’s very skilled at crafting things of the robotic and mechanical sort. If this is true, it’s best you include it under powers then. We would like to know everything your character can do, skill-wise and special attack-wise.

That should about cover all the issues I see.

When you edit your profile, please make all your changes in purple for me.

As per usual, you have five days to edit. If you need more time, just ask.

Squeak! <3~

[Zephiris]

Unfortunately, five days have passed and no edit has been made. This profile shall be rejected.