[Original] Cora Williams [A]

[Cora Williams]

ORIGINAL or CANON: Original.





Series of Origin: Not particularly based on any series.





What was the inspiration for them / do they embody a particular feeling or emotion?

Cora represents untapped potential, a child-like heart, loneliness, and fear that must be overcome. She's like an eternal child who views the world through wide-eyes of awe, whether from wonder or terror. She is so afraid of the world that she traps herself, unable to go outdoors. However, she knows there's so much for her to discover if she could just break through her own barriers and walk out that front door.



Name: Cora Williams





Nickname: Core Core (Her step sister used to call her that a long time ago, mostly to mess with her). Cory (A more common nick name she allows for those whom she considers close to her). The Phantom (A name spawned by rumors, as no one had ever caught sight of her during a delivery).





Age: 14, though her proportionate dwarfism means she looks very much like a ten year old girl.





Gender: Definitely Female, but she tends to have a little bit of fun when people mistake her for a boy.





Species: Very much human, though she loves to claim she's a human/moogle “high-bred”. And by that, I mean she claims she is a high-quality pure bred human and moogle hybrid. Um, I don't understand it either, to be honest.





Being Type: Somebody.





Position: Neutral Good



Appearance:



At four and a half feet tall, Cora's child-like body is covered by the dense freckles scattered over her dark brown skin. Her naturally frizzy red hair is straightened and cut very short. She has wide green eyes and a perpetually worried expression. Her figure is pear shaped and quite chubby. Her blue and purple striped sweater is way too big for her, making her appear even smaller than she already is. She wears an over-sized cap and a pair of worn sneakers. She is very androgynous.







History: A long time ago, she was in a happy family of sorts. Sure they had their problems, but they were over all pretty content. Her family consists of a mother who worked in a business, a father who was a security guard, a grandfather who who owned his own wood-working shop, a grandmother who happened to be the matriarch of the family, and a step sister who was recently adopted into the family.



As far back as she could remember, Cora had always been a timid girl. At four years old, she was a bit more social, but it was easy for a few to pick on her. She took to hiding from them to the best of her ability. As time went on, she got better at avoiding people and very good at being able to tell when she was in danger from bullies. She couldn't understand how she always knew. It was as though the wind itself would whisper into her ear, warning her of trouble. Unfortunately, due to a very over-active imagination, she started to worry about other potential bullies. Eventually her paranoia reached out to mark even adults as dangerous. It got to the point where her fears and anxieties overtook her. A need to survive an otherwise invisible threat lead her to learn very quickly how to hide and escape from danger. She became very good at hiding and very good at running away. She began to fear the outside world and often shut herself inside.



Her family did their best to comfort her, but they didn't really understand how to approach her problem. For a long time, they kept telling her she was “afraid of nothing” and she should “face her fears.”



Then came the fateful day when it all began to change. Cora was five years old when her grandmother signed them up for a foster care program. They took in a little girl named Stella.



Stella and Cora had a rocky start. Stella had trust issues, and was very cold and distant. This did not help with Cora's anxiety. Time would pass, and over the course of a month, Stella decided she was fed up with the scared little girl who kept treating her like a monster in the closet. So one day, Stella decided to corner Cora. It took much practice and effort, something that took Stella the entirety of seven hours, but Stella managed to track down and keep Cora in one place. Her intent? To give Cora a little coloring book. It took Cora by surprise, enough that she didn't even touch it for a good two more hours. It turned out that the coloring book was indeed harmless. Stella turned out to be safe and had no interest in harming her. She just wanted to be left alone for a while.



However, this took Cora off guard. So convinced was she that only her own family was safe, she never expected to find someone else who was safe as well. This brought about a curiosity, which meant she followed Stella around everywhere. At first, Stella was annoyed with the little girl following her around, but she couldn't be mad at her. They were both anti-social, and both had trust issues. To Stella, Cora was a kindred spirit. Over the course of a few months, they transitioned from tolerating each other to becoming close friends, up to and even sharing each other's dreams.



Though it meant jumping through more hoops, the family saw this positive effect the two had on each other, and were ready to make the adoption.



That was until tragedy struck. No one really knew what the strange shadowy and dark creatures were, but they were ravaging everything. Houses were destroyed, people changed into monsters, and very soon the world itself was sucked into a giant black hole. The two clung to each other, already promising to call each other sisters. Then came darkness, cold enveloping darkness.



Cora could not accept this. She would not accept this. After roughly a year of being alone and terrified of people, she finally found a new friend and family member to take into her heart. No matter how or why, she was determined to be reunited with her. She was determined to survive.



She was rewarded for her determination. The darkness would slowly fade away, and she found herself in a new and strange location. It had buildings, alleys, and seemed to be in a state of perpetual night. Excited to realize she survived the ordeal, she rushed around the town calling out to her family. She called for her mother and father, for grandmother and grandfather. Most of all, she called out to Stella, shouting her name more than any of the others. She did not wish to lose her newest friend and family.



But eventually, reality settled in. She may have survived, but she was alone. She did what any child would do when lost and confused. She hid herself in a corner and cried. She cried for what she assumed was hours.



Then came a new face she never expected to see. It was white and fuzzy, with a strange fuzzy ball on it's single antenna and a pair of little bat wings. Naturally, she was scared of it, and tried to hide in a nearby barrel. When they assured her that they meant no harm, she decided to give them a chance. It was still terrifying, but if Stella could prove that she was safe, then why couldn't this funny looking creature?



She learned that their name was Mogen, and that they worked at the local Synthesis shop. Deciding that she needed someone to hear her story, Mogen offered to listen to what she had to say.



Realizing that they were alone, Mogen inferred to her that she wasn't the only refugee. From them, she learned that the monsters she escaped from somehow were called Heartless, and that this world, known as Traverse Town, was a place of refuge for anyone who lost their home. It was almost like hearing confirmation that Stella would be gone forever, but she still refused to believe that. Somewhere, deep in her heart, she knew that Stella survived and was probably trying to find her.



At first, that was the end of their meeting. Cora tried her best to wait for Stella as a street urchin, doing odd jobs and, when desperate enough, stealing the occasional food. She was so good at getting away that she was certain she could do it indefinitely.



When she met Mogen again, she was being held upside down by a food vendor who actually managed to catch her. Mogen decided that this girl probably had enough of the rough life and offered to take her in, both out of concern for her and to keep her out of trouble. Cora was only too happy to accept.



For the following years after, she lived with Mogen and his group of compatriots, learning their craft and eventually taking an interest in synthesizing her own things to add to their wares. They made the decision to teach her their craft when they caught her trying to do it herself once, which ended up with the place suddenly exploding and everyone covered in a black powdery dust.



Turned out, not only was she able to learn to refine her art, but she also learned much of where everything was in Traverse Town. Thanks to this and her impressive running abilities, they expanded their business to local deliveries, where she would take orders to people on foot. As she continued to take deliveries, her ability to get around improved as well. It was as though she felt something help her in her runs, pushing her forward, helping her jump higher, and over all making it easier to travel further. It was as though the wind itself wanted to help.



One would think that she would have more confidence in herself after all of this, and she technically did. But old phobias die hard, and she still feared people and the world outside. Her ability to sense when someone was nearby allowed her to avoid direct contact with anyone, letting her take alternate routes to avoid people altogether. It helped her find safe zones and routes where she could stay outside without panicking, as long as she didn't stray too far from what she knew. This sense of hers even developed to warn her when she was about to get hurt, giving her just enough time to evade potential harm. Running all over the place through the rooftops was not always the safest of routes, but these were the best routes when one wanted to avoid engaging with the world at all costs. Because she was so good at getting by without being seen, the towns people have taken to calling her the Phantom, the mysterious delivery person who always left your order at your doorstop without a hint of their presence.



It wasn't until age ten that she was faced with another tragedy. The Heartless had made their way to Traverse town. The trauma of what happened last time hit her hard, causing her to hide. But things were different this time. Something awakened inside of her, called to her to help. She had been there before, and though the idea was terrifying, she couldn't just sit by and watch people be helplessly put in danger. She was no fighter, but she knew how to get around the city. She rushed to as many places as she could get to, trying to find people and guide them to shelter. If she found herself entering to dangerous an area, she would sense it. She was not sure how she could sense trouble, but she was grateful for it. It helped her to avoid trouble areas, as well as allowing her a chance to evade if she found she had to go through the trouble areas.



Eventually, her heroics landed her in trouble at the Third Distract. Surrounded and with no way to easily escape, she wasn't sure how she would survive. But she wasn't ready to go out either. One way or another, she would break past them and escape with her life. She just had to survive their onslaught and be patient, something that proved easier to do thanks to her apparent danger sense. It wasn't foolproof, and it wasn't damage proof either, but it allowed her to survive just long enough for a hero to appear.



This hero, wearing a kind of armor only a knight would be wearing, vanquished the Heartless quickly and efficiently. There was playful quirkiness in the hero's combat style, giving out banter and quips with frivolous generosity. They dodged and weaved through attacks with such ease that Cora found herself wondering if they were phantom in their own right. The most bizarre aspect of this warrior, however, was their unusual choice of weapon. Why would a sword need to be shaped like a key, anyway?



Afterwards, the two worked together to keep everyone safe. The knight would fight off Heartless wherever they could, and Cora would take people to safety so that the knight could fight without holding back. In the end, the threat was averted. The knight did the goofiest celebration dance Cora had ever seen. It ended with the knight pulling off their helmet and throwing it into the ground. This revealed her to be girl, white of skin yet covered in freckles, bright and cheerful blue eyes, and with shoulder length platinum pink hair. As goofy as it was, her good mood was infectious. The two started trying to see who could perform the goofier celebration dance. The two became very fast friends after that. Maybe it was because the two worked together and she learned she could trust this woman of impressive skill and magic. Maybe it was because she had just survived one of the scariest things ever, thus making talking to one stranger tame by comparison. Whatever the reason, Cora wanted her to stay.



They toured the place, had a meal together, and even got into a brief food fight. Whoever this Knight was, she was fun loving and sweet. She had a boundless curiosity the likes of which Cora never knew could exist. The most common line uttered in any conversation they had while touring was a very over-excitable “Hey, what's that over there?!” followed by running off just to get an up close and personal view of it. Over all, she found herself enamored with this wonderful knight of a woman, to the point of even trying to imitate her. So when the knight said that it was time for her to go, it made Cora really sad. She had just become close friends with this knight after a long period of avoiding people. Now the knight had to leave?! Cora had already lost someone once. Would this heartache become a pattern?



Seeing the tears welling up in Cora's eyes, the knight decided to do one last thing. It was a ritual, of sorts, with the knight explaining that she cast a special spell. One day, when Cora would need it more than anything else, this spell will activate and give her just the edge she would need to get through. Cora still doesn't understand what kind of spell it was, and just assumed it was a protection spell.



Then Cora kicked herself mentally when she realized that she never bothered to learn the knight's name. Since then, she's taken to just calling her Wanderer, out of a need to name her.



Life went back to normal for Cora after that, except now she wanted to learn how to fight. She even did her best to teach herself how to use a sword and a staff. It wasn't fancy, but it was enough to protect her from more common threats. She also took to trying to synthesize her own weapons—with little success, as weapon creation turned out to be a bit more advanced than she anticipated.



She has been witness to many more Heartless attacks, but there was only one other instance where it got serious. During that time, there was talk about a boy wandering about with a duck and a dog. She didn't get to see them, personally, especially since she was busy making sure people who couldn't defend themselves were taken to more safe havens in Traverse Town.



Now she is fourteen years old. She waited nine years for her sister to find her, but decided she's done waiting. She left Traverse Town with Mogen's blessing, taking with her enough supplies to last her several months, and a simple staff she “synthesized” from a broom with it's head taken off. It was probably for the best that she did, else she'd have witnessed the fall of Traverse Town at the hands of the Heartless.



Current Primary Objective: To master swordsmanship or staffmanship. To master the art of synthesis. To find her sister, one way or another. To overcome her fears and try to make new friends wherever she would go.





Learning type: While audio and visual do help, she learns best by actually trying to do things. Being allowed to make mistakes as she worked with her skills allows her to know what not to do and how to refine her skills into something more competent. So, I suppose she's more of a tactile learner, with a small mix of kinesthetic?





Personality: She's generally a pretty quiet girl. Shy and timid are good ways to describe her most of the time. She tends to avoid people when she can in favor of going by unnoticed. Ever since she was very young, she's learned to be distrusting of people. As such, it's much easier for her to hide, evade, and otherwise follow the route of least population. She still struggles to overcome her fear of the world(s) but she is finally brave enough to face that fear... most of the time.



If approached, she will generally be soft spoken and polite, preferring to wait until whoever approached her is done talking before giving her own response. Often she'll just give small or quick responses, trying to end the conversation as quickly as she can. It is also common for her to take the collar of her sweater and pull it over her mouth, as a sort of make-shift mask.



Despite this, she doesn't mind being approached. After what she's learned from Stella and Mogen, she's more than willing to give people a chance to speak their piece to her. Besides, she is confident in her ability to defend herself.



Those who get a chance to know her better, especially those who have managed to win her over, will get to see a completely different personality. She stops being so soft spoken and polite and becomes a very silly, high energy, very excitable, quote happy, reference making, slightly cynical, slightly sarcastic, over-actively imaginative, very child-like goof ball.



She is a hopeless geek, through and through. A lover of anime, manga, and video games, she will gladly seek out any recommendations made to her. She especially loves the horror genre, having a morbid fascination and appreciation for the creepy and strange. Horror survival games are a favorite of hers (though that's mostly because her very small circle of friends at the time would be too scared to steal the controller away from her).



She is especially excited by synthesis, and pours her everything into the craft.



She is not above sharing her interests for those she considers close to, and she will gladly let others share their fandoms with her. She loves hearing about what other people “geek out” over, and this is actually one of the best ways to help her become more social with someone. In general, she relates best to geeks, no matter what the flavor.



She is often playing, letting her imagination come up with stories to compliment what she is doing at the time. From making deliveries to just taking a simple walk, her mind will somehow try to turn her situation into a high adventure fantasy. A more practical application of her imagination and creativity would be in her synthesis. She has a more or less basic to moderate skill in synthesis, but that doesn't stop her from mixing together any random object she can find. Most of the time nothing would happen. Every once in a while, she may end up creating something with a tendency to blow up in her face.

Cora has a tendency to compare people and things to her various fandoms in an effort to try and understand them better. Cora also has a tendency to fall back on making various quotes and references. This can cause confusion, especially for her since she may end up being more off than intended.

An easy to embarrass/fluster girl, it may be tempting for some to embarrass Cora or point out embarrassing things she may have done just to see her react. She's also very easy to scare and terrify, panicking at a moments notice when things look bad to her. Cora even has a tendency of hiding behind those she trusts. Her imagination has a tendency to paint such people as very powerful, and in many cases, a bit bigger than a city should be able to safely handle.

If Cora has no one to turn to, and especially if she finds herself the center of attention, she'll suffer what she likes to call the "spot light effect." She dreads this effect because of how it feels as though all lights are on her and she is expected to do something.

Cora has an odd quirk for someone who is so shy and reclusive around people. If she survives a scary scenario, other things will seem less scary by comparison. Ergo, the scarier the thing she survived, the braver she becomes. One could say this is a latent heroic spirit slowly ebbing to the surface. Though she isn't really much of a fighter, preferring to evade and dodge over actual combat, her heroic spirit will drive her to help those in need if she believes she can help. There is a good chance that she'll get in over her head because of this, but she does her best to keep from biting off more than she can chew. Hopefully it'll last her for a very long time.

Cora can be pretty observant, but sometimes it'll take a minute before she realizes what she just heard or seen. This is especially true if she's already lost in attempting one of her synthesis experiments. There have been moments where she will talk, note something, either continue the conversation or go off on a different tangent, and then realize what it was she noticed earlier. Expect her to feel especially dimwitted when that something she noticed earlier was both vital to her success and very obvious to figure out.

Since she's been mostly friendless for a long time, Cora sometimes fills the void with an imaginary friend she has named Mana. She'll often have conversations with Mana, and sometimes even get into heated arguments with her. This is usually a source of much humiliation. She'll describe Mana as loving, caring, and kind. She'll also describe Mana as brash, overly-confident, and with an unusually strong love for annoying and embarrassing Cora. At least her imaginary friend doesn't try to get her killed. Sometimes Cora will even use Mana as a means to encourage herself to do better (usually in the form of a self cheer that she desperately hopes no one saw.)

Though Cora is easy to fluster and embarrass, she doesn't hold grudges. In fact, she is usually very quick to forgive, no matter what the offense Sometimes, she will try (and usually fail) to hold a grudge, struggling to stay mad at someone. If anything, she'll put a stronger effort to try and understand people in the hopes of being friends with them. She is of the belief that everyone and everything has good in them hidden somewhere, somehow even extending this belief to the Heartless themselves. As scared as she is of making friends, she honestly hopes to one day be able to make friends with everyone.

Overall, to strangers, Cora is a very shy and reclusive girl who will do all she can to get away. To the very few close friends that she does have, she's a very eager and animated girl, wanting to make friends with everyone and willing to help wherever she can.





Home World: The first world she would call home is called “City of Dreams.” While it resembles a combination of suburban living and metropolis living, there are very strong studies in both magic and science. It is called the “City of Dreams” because those who are eager to go the extra mile will leave to live in the metropolis in order to do all in their power to make their dreams come true. In some cases, the more successful of people will even move onto better places, leaving the City of Dreams behind. All in all, it is a place that was most recognize for it's nature for development and progress.





Natural Affinities/Abilities/Skills: She has a natural affinity for the wind element. She hasn't been given a chance to truly develop this, especially since she does not seem to be fully aware of it. Currently, it comes in the form of a wind assisted early warning system and enhanced movement (either for evading dangers or for simply getting around more easily.) From living with the Moogles, she has learned item synthesis. Though she's something of a beginner, she does have a basic knowledge of how to make protective charms and accessories. She can also make potions and ethers with relative ease. She will need a lot of training and/or experimentation before she can figure out how to make more advance things such as high end accessories and weapons. She's self taught in both swordsmanship and staffmanship, though this is only at a basic level. It may be enough to fend off small fry and common thugs, but without proper experience or training she won't be able to hold her own against more competent dangers.





Limitations/Drawbacks: She has an aversion to meeting strangers. This basically means she will have a hard time communicating or socializing. This can even interfere if she seriously needs help with something. Nothing short of a life threatening reason will be enough to get her to actively seek out help. While she can usually overcome her fear of the open world(s), occasionally this fear will also catch up with her. Though she has some skill in fighting, she's still only a beginner at best. It can be easy to overwhelm her either through overwhelming strength, speed, or numbers. She puts a very heavy reliance on evasion and defense. Unless she can gain the proper experience or training, her offense will be severely lacking in a serious fight. She can be very easy to distract. Even in a serious fight, she may end up sacrificing a few precious seconds just to marvel at a potential synthesis material that she could experiment with. She also has a bad habit of experimenting with things she shouldn't, which has a tendency to explode. If she's lucky, it'll be a harmless explosion. If she isn't, well, let's just say she's going to be feeling that in the morning. In a way, one of her greatest strengths can also be a weakness for her. She honestly believes in the good of everyone, and desires to make friends with as many as she can. This can be exploited by those who wish to manipulate her to their ends. Her danger sense may be able to warn her of many kinds of dangers, but if it involves someone she sincerely trusts, her danger sense will not go off even if the one whom she trusts decides to literally stab her in the back. Her goal of finding her sister can also be detrimental to her health. If she even suspects she'll find a clue, she'll abandon all else just to get to that clue. This will even include putting herself in potential harms way. She'll do all she can to find her sister Stella, no matter what.





Passive:

Heartborn Tempest





Weapon: As of the moment, just a staff she “synthesized” from a broom she used one.





Role Playing Sample: “Avast, these waters hold no friendly tides! The Heartless have run afoul on our deck. We must drive them back into the ocean from whence they came! Take that, and that, and one of these, and this!” This was normal for Cora when it was her turn to clean the shop. Considering all the room they had and all the equipment they owned, it tended to take Cora most of the day to finish.



Still, that didn't mean she couldn't turn it into a fun filled adventure at the high seas, or as Mogen liked to call it, extreme “the floor is lava.”



“Hahah!” she cried out, swinging her broom on a table to knock dust away.



“Ho ha!” she declared, jumping onto a rope so that she could dust the boiler.



“Eat cutlery!” she bantered to the cobwebs, using a strategically placed ladder to jump to in order to knock the webs down.



“Whoa-aoooAAH!” she shrieked when she discovered, too late, that the ladder was about to topple onto the ground with her. Ironically, she probably did the most cleaning with that since it knocked away a lot of the dust on the floor.



“Aheheheheh, well, I got a lot of the cleaning done,” she replied, mostly to herself as she lay on her back, “And I managed to keep from getting hurt by landing on a nice and soft cushion! The Floor Lava still hasn't claimed me!”



“That's really nice. I'm glad to see that you're okay. Just... would you mind getting off?!” It would seem that the cushion she fell on was Mogen themself.



“But if I do that, the floor Lava will get me!” came the playful reply from Cora. It took a very disapproving “Coraaaaaaa” from Mogen before Cora finally got off. “Alas, I have fallen victim to the floor lava!” She started using exaggerated poses, as though she were intentionally failing to be a Shakespearean actor, “Never again shall I ever live to see another day! With my dying breath, I ask of thee, seek out my wife! Tell her that I love her!”



“One, you're still alive and you can afford to continue cleaning,” Mogen said, shaking their head somewhat dismissively, “Two, aren't you too young to be married?”



“Never!” Cora cried out, “Just cause I'm twelve years old doesn't mean I don't have the right to marry! I'm gonna find me an awesome girl, and she's going to be a knight, with lots of magic and lots of physical strength, and she'll be fun loving and caring and kind of crazy like me and she'll be twenty feet tall!”



“Yesterday she was fifteen feet tall,” Mogen pointed out.



“She had a growth spurt,” Cora replied almost quickly. “At this rate, she might reach as tall as fifty feet, or maybe a hundred!” Again, Mogen shook their head. At least they found Cora's antics amusing.



“So, have you been terrorizing Heartless again?” Mogen asked, knowing full well of Cora's games, “Where have you been terrorizing them this time?”



“The open seas,” Cora replied, now actually sweeping the floor properly. She may as well finish what she unintentionally gave herself a head start in. “We were chasing after Captain Hook when he fired Heartless at us through a cannon. Mana and I did everything we could to fend them off, but... apparently one of them knocked me overboard. So long Righteous Indignation. You were the only ship I could afford in less then twenty munny.” She mimicked a kazoo noise, using that to play a dirge.



“I sometimes worry about you,” Mogen said, deciding that they may as well help a little via using a feather duster, “Ever since you met that one girl two years ago, you can't let go of this whole fighting to save people bit. You're no fighter, and lets face it, we can't exactly afford the time to find you someone who could teach you properly.”



“But think of all the good I could do with it!” Cora replied, “I could defend people who couldn't defend themselves! And if anyone tries to cause trouble during my deliveries, then there's not much they could do if I had a trusty sword at my side or a staff at my back! I could even protect the Heartless if any of them decided they had a change of heart!”



“Please tell me you realize the irony of that statement,” Mogen groaned. Why Cora insists that even the Heartless must have good in them was beyond their understanding.



“They can't all be bad, right?” Cora explained, “I bet some of them are just waiting for someone to reach out to call them friend! Maybe they even want a family!”



“Coraaaa...” Mogen whined. Mogen never did like it when Cora talked about fighting or trying to befriend obviously dangerous forces. Talk like that always made Mogen fear for the worst for Cora



“I'll be careful, I promise,” Cora expressed, realizing that Mogen needed reassurance. “I'm the Phantom, right? They'll never be able to touch me.”



Mogen sighed in reluctance. They would prefer it if “The Phantom” never got into trouble to begin with, but at least they have proven to be able to get away safely. “As long as you allow yourself to come back in one piece, that's all I ask.”



“Still,” Cora said, holding up her broom as a staff, “It would be pretty neat if I could do more to protect our deliveries at least, right?” She started to swing her broom around to demonstrate. “I'd give them a pow, and a boom, and a wham, and a crack!” Ironically, during her last swing, there really was a crack. She swung down hard enough that the brooms head broke when it hit the floor.



The two stared at the broken broom where it's very vital head once was. Then they looked at each other, Cora sheepishly and Mogen sternly.



“... I have synthesized my very first staff!” Cora exclaimed, holding her “staff” up high in celebration.



“Will you get the mop and go back to work?!” cried out an exasperated Mogen.





Questions/Comments/Suggestions? Okay, part the second! I got some help with this one from my spouse. Hopefully, between the two of us we managed to cut down on a lot of the grammatical errors, but I'm pretty sure we missed a few. Hopefully it's quite a bit more presentable.



I've decided to see about keeping the mysterious keybearer from before, more as a challenge to see if I can make it work somehow. If it still doesn't work, I may just decide to write out the keyblade part and just make her a wandering knight.



You may have noticed that there was an extra bit added when it comes to her fears. ^.^; Apparently, the muses in my head decided that I was missing that, so I ended up trying to fit that in. I hope that's alright. X3 Cora Williams, revision the first is a go!

Oh, and my spouse wanted to make a picture of Cora for me to use.  ^.^;  I hope that's okay.  I thought it looked pretty neat so I went with it.

[Jin]

Hello Cora,

I'll be handling your profile review this time around. As such, I'd like to start off with some grammatical issues I've run into. Bear in mind that I don't expect perfection from anyone, and that all I'm looking for is the willingness to improve on this front out of everyone. No profile is perfect, after all. I'm going to focus mostly on your character history here, because most of the mistakes you're making are not exclusive to that section. Keep an eye out for them everywhere.

In your species section, you've misspelled the word "hybrid." Though you still get points for the uninentional pun.

"Blues and purples seems to be a central them for her."
I think you've misspelled "theme" here.

"There is also a single, large, purple stripe that goes along the torso."
When making lists of adjectives, an important exception to the standard rule of commas to remember is color words. So, rather than saying "A shiny, gold statue," you would say "A shiny gold statue."

"Both the back and the front of the t-shirt has a heart on it, but the two hearts differ in design."
Since you're referring to the two sides of the shirt, "has" should be "have" and "it" should be "them." Plurals are weird.

"A mother who worked in a business, a father who was a security guard, grandparents who owned their own work shop, and a step sister who was recently adopted into the family."
There's not actually a verb here. I can tell the subject is the family, but what exactly is is that they do?

"She took to hiding from them, to the best of her ability."
There shouldn't be a comma in this sentence.

"As time went on, she grew to become somewhat decent at avoiding people, and very good at being able to tell when she was in danger from bullies."
That second comma shouldn't be there since two-item lists don't require them.

"She couldn't understand why she was able to, but she could, as though the wind itself would whisper into her ear, warning her of trouble."
You've got too much going on here. Try making it two sentences.

"Cora was five years old when her grandmother, who happens to be the matriarch of the family, signed them up for a foster care program."
You've got to maintain the past tense here. Use "happened" instead of "happens."

"The darkness would slowly fade away, and she found herself on a new and strange location."
I think you need to use "in" rather than "on."

"Excited to realize she survived the ordeal, she rushed around the town, calling out to her family."
That second comma shouldn't be there.

"Her ability to sense when someone was near by allowed her to avoid direct contact with anyone..."
Nearby is one word.

"Running all over the place through the roof tops was not always the safest routes..."
Rooftops is one word, and "routes" should have an "of" placed before it.

"It wasn't until age ten that she was faced with another tragedy. The Heartless have made their way to Traverse town."
Another case of not using the past tense.

"She was no fighter, though, but she knew the ins and out of the city."
The use of the word "though" here makes the transition between the first and second clauses awkward.

"They had a strange weapon on them, one that could be considered oddly shaped."
That second clause is redundant. You could do without it.

"She's... still trying to find something that was stable, since weapon creation turned out to be a bit more advance than she anticipated."
That ellipsis, while stylistic, would be better suited to dialogue than this history. Your sentence doesn't fragment so much as you want the reader to mentally pause, but that's not what an ellipsis is for.

I think that's a fairly decent summary of the types of mistakes I'm running into while reading through. It covers just about everything in your history, so try to take these critiques and look for similar errors in your other sections as well.

Moving on to some more characterization-based items, I think it's important to start with your character inspiration. You've told us that you based this character off another or yours, but you haven't said specifically what it is that the character embodies. You mention a trait - being easily flusterd - but that's not really what we're looking for. To you, personally, what is at the very core of this character. Who are they? What makes them get up in the morning? What drives them? Give us a glimpse at the concepts that make up their soul.

I'm curious about this mysterious keyblade wielder that you've hinted at in your history. Remember, we have a sort of warning out for those who have had canon characters, keybearers, or gods/god-like figures come to their rescue or aid in the past. If you could elaborate on her a little more, I'd be very grateful. Remember, this site is all about balancing the importance of the original story with non-canon stuff. You don't need someone with a keyblade to be involved in your character's past for them to be special.

With all that out of the way, your two weeks begins now. Good luck, and happy editing!

[Cora Williams]

* The moment he realizes someone replied, he pounced on the post immediately. The moment he notices that there seemed to be a long list of errors to look for... *

XD YES! PAY-DIRT! FINALLY SOMEONE WHO IS TELLING ME I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!! * does a moon walk while pumping his fists * Oh yeaaah, it's mah birth-day, uh-huuuh, ooooooh yeeeaaaaaaaah! * stops after a while * S-sorry, I'm so used to people telling me that nothing is wrong that I was beginning to get paranoid. I'm not yet ready to stop improving. Okay! Let's get into the nitty gritty of this.


"In your species section, you've misspelled the word "hybrid." Though you still get points for the uninentional pun."

Dang, I missed that one! Wait, unintentional pun? * looks to the left, then to the right * Can I keep it like that and say something like "she claims that that's the right word for it?"

"'Blues and purples seems to be a central them for her.'
I think you've misspelled "theme" here."

Yyyyyup, thats a misspelled "theme." ^.^; How'd that get by me?

"There is also a single, large, purple stripe that goes along the torso."
When making lists of adjectives, an important exception to the standard rule of commas to remember is color words. So, rather than saying "A shiny, gold statue," you would say "A shiny gold statue."

Oh, that's, that's good to know! Cool!

"Both the back and the front of the t-shirt has a heart on it, but the two hearts differ in design."
Since you're referring to the two sides of the shirt, "has" should be "have" and "it" should be "them." Plurals are weird.

Agreed. Very much agreed.

"A mother who worked in a business, a father who was a security guard, grandparents who owned their own work shop, and a step sister who was recently adopted into the family."
There's not actually a verb here. I can tell the subject is the family, but what exactly is is that they do?

I think I see the issue here. I was just trying to give a very brief description here. They're family, but from my personal writers perspective they aren't as important to her story as the sister is. Maybe I should just re-write this part and hope for the best?

"'She took to hiding from them, to the best of her ability.'
There shouldn't be a comma in this sentence."

There shouldn't? * re-reads * I think I see what you mean.

"'As time went on, she grew to become somewhat decent at avoiding people, and very good at being able to tell when she was in danger from bullies.'
That second comma shouldn't be there since two-item lists don't require them."

Two-item lists? I didn't know that counted as a list. ^.^ Cool, I learned something new!

"'She couldn't understand why she was able to, but she could, as though the wind itself would whisper into her ear, warning her of trouble.'
You've got too much going on here. Try making it two sentences."

Like a run-on sentence? Got it.

"'Cora was five years old when her grandmother, who happens to be the matriarch of the family, signed them up for a foster care program.
You've got to maintain the past tense here. Use 'happened' instead of 'happens.'"

* dramatic music builds up at the sight of this * ... tenses... my mortal enemy...

"'The darkness would slowly fade away, and she found herself on a new and strange location.'
I think you need to use 'in' rather than 'on.'"

Huh? How'd that get by me too?! Dang, I'm not good at that.

"Excited to realize she survived the ordeal, she rushed around the town, calling out to her family."
That second comma shouldn't be there.

Hoookaaaay, commas are gonna be a problem. Add that to my list of things to worry about from here on.

"'Her ability to sense when someone was near by allowed her to avoid direct contact with anyone...'
Nearby is one word."

o.o; I'm a little scared how these small mistakes get past me.

"'Running all over the place through the roof tops was not always the safest routes...'
Rooftops is one word, and 'routes' should have an 'of' placed before it."

The rooftops one definitely slipped by me, but the "of" in front of routes one? New thing for me to learn. I'll try to remember that one.

"'It wasn't until age ten that she was faced with another tragedy. The Heartless have made their way to Traverse town.'
Another case of not using the past tense."

And my mortal enemy rears its ugly head again.

"'She was no fighter, though, but she knew the ins and out of the city.'
The use of the word 'though' here makes the transition between the first and second clauses awkward."

Whoops. That was me treating the narration like a conversation and not like a story. ^.^; I do that sometimes.

"'They had a strange weapon on them, one that could be considered oddly shaped.'
That second clause is redundant. You could do without it."

Upon second re-read, I have to agree with you.

"'She's... still trying to find something that was stable, since weapon creation turned out to be a bit more advance than she anticipated.'
That ellipsis, while stylistic, would be better suited to dialogue than this history. Your sentence doesn't fragment so much as you want the reader to mentally pause, but that's not what an ellipsis is for."

Another new thing to learn! Also, ^.^; another example of me treating the narration like a dialogue rather than a narration.

"Moving on to some more characterization-based items, I think it's important to start with your character inspiration. You've told us that you based this character off another or yours, but you haven't said specifically what it is that the character embodies. You mention a trait - being easily flusterd - but that's not really what we're looking for. To you, personally, what is at the very core of this character. Who are they? What makes them get up in the morning? What drives them? Give us a glimpse at the concepts that make up their soul."

While I get what you're saying, I'm surprise that "easily flustered" somehow got considered? Um, I'll see what I can do.

"I'm curious about this mysterious keyblade wielder that you've hinted at in your history. Remember, we have a sort of warning out for those who have had canon characters, keybearers, or gods/god-like figures come to their rescue or aid in the past. If you could elaborate on her a little more, I'd be very grateful. Remember, this site is all about balancing the importance of the original story with non-canon stuff. You don't need someone with a keyblade to be involved in your character's past for them to be special."

That may be a challenge for me. While I can say that she isn't a cannon character, I'm weary about even having an OC keybearer in there. Really, the character was more a means to leave a door open than anything else, with the potential end result being very open ended. I'm kind of torn here, suddenly. On the one hand, I could just play it safe and just re-write this character as a more typical magic knight than a keybearer. It might be more easily acceptable. On the other hand, if I'm somehow able to write an OC keybearer as a decent npc and it can still get accepted, would that be considered impressive? Well, either way, in the end, if Cora somehow proves herself worthy of a keyblade through her actions, then what happens in her history probably wouldn't matter, would it?


Whelp, I'll do my best to get through it. I'll see if I can catch all any other errors on my own upon re-read! Thanks for the advice! I'll see where it takes me from here!

[Jin]

I'm seeing some good improvement here. While there are still a few grammatical mistakes here and there - mostly dealing with comma placement - I see no reason that you're not ready for approval. Make sure to check your PMs in order to receive your ranking rewards.