Elior Meyers

[Noma-Caa]

ORIGINAL or CANON: Original


What was the inspiration for them / do they embody a particular feeling or emotion?
Elior has consistently been a character that wanted adventure, but found it wasn't as fun as he had hoped, and is often a reminder to me that a life of adventure may not be as fun as it sounds. His world is also a test case for adherence to religious laws and building a society around them.


Name: Elior Gedaliah Meyers


Nickname: Eli


Age: 20, looks a few years older


Gender: Male


Species: Human


Being Type: Somebody


Position: Chaotic Good


Appearance: Elior is about six foot tall and of fairly average build, if not a little on the slender side. He has blue eyes and shoulder-length reddish-blonde hair that he keeps back out of his face and a neatly trimmed beard. He usually wears jeans and an old, worn dress shirt with suspenders and, sometimes, a vest. He keeps a pair of glasses in his shirt pocket that he wears on occasion, though not very often. He has a great preference for darker and more muted colors as opposed to bright ones, and, whenever he wears a tie, it will usually be a bow tie. He always wears cowboy boots, and he'll always say it's because they protect against snakes and other such things, but, really, he started wearing them as a kid and never quit.


Home World: Basileia
The world of Basileia is divided into two primary parts: one above-ground, and one underground. Above, Basileia is mostly a pretty normal city. The underground, on the other hand, is far different. The primary unifying factors of the underground are heavy theism and a lack of most modern technology. The nations in the underground are primarily divided by religious affiliation, with each nation having its own god(s), and, on this world, they all exist.

*As an added note, Basileia refers both to the world as a whole and one of the nations underground
**Also, the Wilderness is an area of the underground filled with all manner of deadly thing


History: Elior was born on the surface of his world shortly after his parents divorced, and his brother Judah, nine years his senior, lived with him and his mother. When he was young, he looked up to Judah, even though they didn't much get along, and he had a hard time making and keeping friends. It didn't help that his mother was sick, and, as Eli got older, his mother got sicker. Unfortunately, all of this got exacerbated when Judah got a girl named Lily pregnant at a party. Their mother's condition worsened from the stress, and some of the judgment trickled down to Eli.

Within the next year, however, Judah and Lily were married and, moved by his mother, Judah began making an effort to include and be kind to his younger brother. This proved fortuitous when their mother died another year or so later. Judah and Lily took Eli into their home with their year-old daughter as Judah worked to put his wife through college.

Things went pretty well for them for a few years, until Judah broke his wrist at work (he was a boxer) and had to work odd jobs to pay off hospital bills, college tuition, and other bills. They had some difficulty for a little while, but they got Lily through college, and she got a job at the local high school as an art teacher.

It was about that time when he met Abigail. Abigail was a girl in his grade who had been in a house fire and had a lot of scarring. Over time, the two of them got to know each other very well and spent most of their time together. She convinced him to learn ASL, and, once he had a solid grasp on it, stopped talking at school at all. This let them stay together throughout the day. However, this failed them once they reached high school. Elior enrolled in their school's engineering program, and Abigail spent as much of her day as she could get away with in art classes.

After they graduated, Elior decided it was time that he go his own way and leave his hometown. He packed his things with some help from Judah and Lily and left. Now, as he was on his way, he stopped at a hiking park and spent his day there hiking and exploring. Then it happened that as he was exploring deep into a certain cave, he was jumped by a band of slave traders.

Then Elior was taken down to the country of Basileia and Matteo Zangus bought him on behalf of his family. Now the people of this new country spoke a different language than above on the surface, and Elior spent all his free time learning it. And it was that the masters of the house took note of this, and they saw that his work was good, so they moved him to the main house. This was a time of six months.

It came to pass after these things, in the second month, that a man called Mateusz Zangus came to the home, and he told the master of the house that he would wager his freedom against Elior's. Then it was decided that Elior would fight for his freedom. Through the choosing of his opponent, Eli won his challenge and his freedom. But he was without money and a home, so Mateusz took him to his home.

Then they registered him as a citizen there and he searched for work.

Then it happened that the god of Basileia came to him and he spoke to him, saying that he was to be his voice in Basileia, and that he would be drafted into military service. Then he awoke and he was drafted.

He spent the next year working with Zangus, Cyril, Alexa, and Grok, and learning how to fight, handle conflicts, and enforce the laws of the country domestically. Then, in the 20th month after he arrived there, the Heartless came. At first, they were few and easy to handle, but they quickly multiplied and grew strong.

Then the god of Basileia came to Elior and he said "Go, and make yourself an ark of Gummi blocks, and seek out keepers of light and dark." So he built a gummi ship and prepared himself to leave. Before he left, however, he was instructed to go out deep into the Wilderness. There he came upon a pool of metal, and, when he approached it, a portion separated itself and bonded to him. When he returned to the ship, he left to find one of the Key Bearers, as he had been told. Unfortunately, when he left, the currents between the worlds crashed him in Twilight Town, where he has only recently found a place to stay.


Current Primary Objective: Find one of the guardians of the balance of light and darkness and aide them in restoring the balance


Learning type: Elior is a very kinesthetic learner. In many cases, someone could tell him what to do several times and he still won't quite understand what it is they want until they can either point it out or run him through it once. However, once he's done something at least once, he usually has a pretty good grasp on it and can, most times, replicate it should he need to.


Personality: Eli is loyal, even to the point of being a fault. As soon as he accepts someone as a friend, he will not abandon them if he can help it. Anything he can do to help them, he will. Along with this, being unsure of his ability to show his friends that he cares about them, he has a tendency to give gifts or do things for them, even if it may not be necessary. All of this may be a little better if he were a bit more particular about the people he decides to accept. As far as he's concerned, the past is the past and has little bearing on the present. He's not concerned with what someone has been, only what they are. This tendency can either lead to making friends with a hidden gem nobody else is willing to interact with, or it can leave him giving his trust to someone that has every intention of betraying him.

In emergency situations, he spends a lot of his time internally panicking and coping with sarcasm for whoever will listen, however, he notices almost everything that goes on around him and is always thinking. This means that he can find potential solutions quickly, and he can maintain just enough calm to handle a crisis. His mind is always focused on solutions, even if he gets distracted by difficulties.


Natural Affinities/Abilities/Skills:

Combat skills - Over the past couple of years, Elior has been involved in training in both hand-to-hand combat and fighting with a sword. While he is reasonably skilled in both, he is more comfortable with swordfighting than he is fighting unarmed.

Living Metal - The living metal is something of an entity unto itself. It is a being made entirely of fluid, metallic cells that allow it to take on any shape it chooses. At most times, it acts as a second skin, giving Elior slight protection against attacks and a small degree of increased strength. So far, he has only learned to form simple bladed weapons with it. However, as it is a living thing, it can also do some things on its own. Given its nature, it is able to absorb small amounts of electricity to unleash back on an opponent or redirect larger amounts into the ground. It will also reinforce areas that are attacked if it has sufficient time to sense the attack and react to it.

Linguistics - Elior learned ASL in his childhood and, by circumstance, was forced to learn another language (technically two) when he moved to the underground. As such, he has a solid grasp on linguistic concepts and, given some time, may be able to pick up another, should the need arise.

Divine Intervention - As a prophet, Eli has something akin to a piece of his god with him. This can allow him to see certain events he did not witness himself, including those in the past or future. It can also allow for the healing of injuries for others or protection from severe injury. However, this power is limited only to times when all RPers and relevant parties are in agreement as to its use.


Limitations/Drawbacks: The most consistent drawback of having the living metal is the constant drain on his energy. It requires him to eat more in order to supply it with its power, and even normal use can tire him out quickly. In a fight, using it to constantly defend himself and form weapons, his reserves are likely to dwindle fast. On top of this, the living metal is somewhat slow to respond to attacks, meaning that, in some cases, it may not be able to respond to an attack until a weapon has already penetrated the skin.

The biggest weakness of the living metal, however, is in the nature of its composition. If it takes in too much electricity too quickly, the bonds between the cells can destabilize, resulting in much pain and a temporary nullification of its abilities. Its biggest weakness, though, is magnetism. In the presence of a variable magnetic field, the metal simply cannot hold together. In these situations, it temporarily bonds itself to Eli's skin, leaving him slightly resistant to attack, but slower and weaker, while also having to deal with the pain from the symbiote.

It should also be noted that there has been an observable increase in aggression while using these new powers. There seems to be a correlation between the degree of reliance upon them and the observable difference. It is unknown if this is simply a result of desperation or something else. Currently under investigation.


Passive:

Heartborn Radiance


Weapon: Elior's preferred weapon is a long, thin sword, though he doesn't often carry it. His style favors quick strikes and blocks with minimal effort, giving him the ability to keep fighting for a long time before tiring out. However, it does not provide much defense against heavier weapons and styles.


Role Playing Sample:

Elior stood at the center of the coliseum, looking around at all the soldiers that had gathered there. He took a deep breath before speaking in a mighty voice, "Soldiers of Basileia, as you know, mysterious creatures have appeared all over our world. Despite our best efforts, we have not been able to eradicate them." He paused briefly to gather his thoughts. "I have received a word regarding them that I am going to share with you. Those creatures that we have been facing are called the Heartless. They are born out of the darkness in the hearts of men. They seek after hearts so they may devour them and multiply. Any darkness is enough to entice them."

He adjusted his uniform and looked around, seeing mostly confusion in those present. "If there be any evil in a man, they are at risk of being a target of the Heartless. Their only aim is to devour hearts, and they intend to take even the heart of the world, itself. This is why we must act quickly! All of you here must continue to do as you have. We must focus our efforts not on surrounding nations, but on the Heartless within our borders. If you can stall them for any time, then it must be done. Station yourselves throughout the city, ignore our borders, and eliminate any Heartless you see. May God be with you."

As he left the coliseum, he was intercepted by Mateusz. "This sounds much like delaying all our deaths. You haven't given us a way to win."

Elior sighed. "I was given a job, and you were all given yours, Zangus. If I can't find what I was sent for, then we fail. If you can't keep our world alive, we fail. I need you to stall so I can find this key. You've run plans like this before."

"Most often I am running lead on them."

"Not this time, friend. I'll see you when we succeed, Zangus." They shook hands and Eli went to his ship with his things to try and save the worlds.

[Jin]

Hello Noma,

I'm sure you know how this sort of thing works. I'm going to start with a few grammatical/syntactical/prose-oriented critiques before moving on to characterization/storytelling and closing it up with any miscellaneous concerns.

So, as for your writing technique:

"...and had to work odd jobs to pay off hospital bills, college tuition, and other bills"
This part of the sentence is a little odd to read seeing as you use "bills" twice in the same clause. I'd look for a synonym or somehow try to restructure things a bit so you didn't have to use the word twice.

"They had some difficulty for a little while, but they got Lily through college, and she got a job at the local high school as an art teacher."
This sentence is a bit of a run-on. Try chopping it up to increase your conciseness.

"She convinced him to learn ASL, and, once he had a solid grasp on it, stopped talking at school at all."
I think what you're trying to say here is that they switched to entirely ASL for communication, but it comes off as you saying that once Elior learned to sign, Abigail broke off all communication. You might want to re-word this.

"Then it happened that as he was exploring deep into a certain cave, he was jumped by a band of slave traders.

Then Elior was taken down to the country of Basileia and Matteo Zangus bought him on behalf of his family."
The transition here is strange. The second sentence is missing a comma, and start off with the same word that the sentece preceding it did. Try to clean that up.

Be on the lookout for problems similar to these throughout the course of your edits. Part of this review is you showing the drive to improve your writing, after all.

Now, onto your narrative:

While reading through this, the first word that pops to mind is "shallow."

You begin describing your world as an allegory for life with religion versus life without it. However, you stop there entirely with the example that those without theism have technology and those with it have gods that actually exist. What are some more examples of differences? Does each area have their own god? Is there a power struggle, or do they act under something akin to the Greek Pantheon? Your world description leaves a lot of questions up in the air.

And then there's the matter of Elior himself. His story is relatively average up until he leaves home. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate slice of life as much as the next profile mod, but there's a shortage of content here - you don't really delve into any character relationships beyond cursory facts. I feel like you could really benefit from delving more into how these characters interact on both a day to day basis, and when other major events happen.

The matter of your world's mythos is of incredible importance here, as we're actively discouraging people from making characters that have obtained their powers through the gifts or influence of gods or god-like beings. If you want to use this backstory, you're going to have to really convince me that you have this world fleshed out and that your character's capable of forming solid, detailed interactions and relations with others.

That being said, your two weeks starts now. There's a lot of fleshing out that needs to be done, so in the event that you're short on time you're free to notify us and take your character profile to work on and resubmit at a later date.

Good luck, and happy editing,
Jin

[Jin]

Hey there, Noma,

It's been about a month since you touched this. In the interest of keeping things organized, I'm going to move this over to the rejected characters board.