[Original] Noko Troshiro [A]

[Deleted]

ORIGINAL or CANON: Original

Series of Origin: Experimental Idea (Noko: A Heartless Tale)
 
What was the inspiration for them / do they embody a particular feeling or emotion?

The Inspiration: An original idea from high school, I honestly made it up as I played with my friends on youtube.

Feeling and Emotions: Noko is a Persudo Heartless. This type of Heartless can communicate and talk with others. He feels for those who cannot defend themselves, and his emotions are based upon how he interacts with other people. His basic emotions towards others are usually friendly and accepting. To those who wish to do him harm, at first he will try to reason but if that fails he will defend those who are targeted or himself. 

To go into more details, let's get to the basics. Persudo smartness is to a degree of cognitive thinking only. They feel and show displays of emotions only to some extent. Becuase of this, they are important as a race because of the rare trait that they can talk and work as a community. True it is seen in the wild that normal Heartless under the influence of a heart of darkness would follow that only to death, but this also raises the fact it makes them simple minded. A Persudo's emotions and can feel things much like humans can because of something influencing them.And the fact they have a Heart of Heart. This adds a boost to their level of intelligence, which differs from mindless to full blown smart. But again, it's only cognitive thinking, as they can sometimes head back to their state of aggression if pushed too far to the edge, which means if someone were to unlock their state of ferals, they could revert to a sort of enraged state which is why Noko must control his urges.

 A Pseudo persona is extremely different from a regular Heartless because they show emotions and feelings but to an extent.There is still the fact they still have a burning hunger for hearts. To control this burning hunger, they must first have a Heart of Heart. This is not a true heart, but a relic filled with a positive light that causes them to feel such emotions. These fake sort of Hearts for Heartless, are made from data and scraps of material that they carry. You might be wondering, how can they use this fake heart a control their hunger if in their nature they consume hearts and also control their feral impulses? It's what they are made of that causes them to become passive. The bits and pieces are no ordinary pieces, but pieces of scraped fragments of a bunch of items that have been touched by a strong magical presence or influence, which in the term to a heartless normally would not be able to use it being that it is not a real heart but a false relic of combined items and elements that are made up of positive energy.

But in the case of a Persudo who have Hearts of Hearts, it sustains the urge to feed off hearts entirely because of the fact they carry such a relic within them made of powerful positive light, making the gray line show. What is the gray line and why is it important to causing Heartless to become docile? A gray line is an invisible form of magical energy that is touched by a positive energy of pure light. This line taps into a Heartless's instincts and domesticates them so they can be talked to, but they still are Heartless in nature, so extreme care must be taken to fully domesticate them, as they still have fear impulses. As for the types of materials used are fragments of Elemental Pieces. Shards of Light Energy. Various materials of healing and magical properties such as Potions and Either to give flavor, and charms to give a magical boost to ensure they can control their urges, but again a Heartless is still a Heartless. It simply makes them smart but to an extent.

For Persudo, a life of intelligence is based on how powerful the Heart of Heart is depending on the materials used. In summary, they can think as a human. But still, hold that deep thirst for Hearts which is why it's important for the Heartless Avenger to watch out for these impulses in battle, because if he's pushed too far he may return to this aggressive state. In addition to such, there are two types of these Heartless that have been noticed. One being SemiSmart with half the capacity of the second one that they can only think on a basic level. And ImplantSmart, who are fully capable of cognitively thinking. Semis are your average intelligent Heartless that has had a boost of brain function because they display emotions from emotions only to a basic level They are only decently intelligent and cannot become Implants because when their basic way of thinking is changed by non-foreign ways, they revert back to their impulses.They cannot choose their own ways as can Implant and can still be manipulated.They do not have many emotions as Semi due because of their nature and usually are only able to control Heartless of smaller rank depending on how smart they are.These are more half smart and half hostile, and usually are a greater danger due to their increased intelligence but only a small bit.As for Implants, they are passive to a greater extent. They also have a higher based coordination and brain patterns of thinking then Semi.With skills of that of a human, because The Heartless was taught by somebody to become or had the intelligence put into them by a foreign source. They can make their own choices and choose what they wish and are hard to manipulate due to high levels of thinking.They do not fake emotions and really feel everything as a human can. However as Heartless are, they still have their hunger for hearts but when a gray line is introduced to them, they become docile. This does not work on higher ranking Heartless.


Name: Noko Krimson Troshiro

Nickname: The Heartless Avenger/Warrior of Shade/Seeker of Peace


Age: Former Human Age: 34 Current Heartless Age: 16


Gender: Male

Species: Persudo/Intelligent Heartless (Young) (Pureblood Shadow)


Being Type: Heartless

Position: Lawful Good

Group Under:  Faction 1-5: Noko and Company (Faction Leader)

Appearance:

This is his traditional look. It has leather pads, complete with a cape and chainmail that protect him from most slashing and bladed weapons.

History: Noko Krimson Troshiro was your average human Bladesmith. Before he was one, he was a simple everyday shopkeeper who worked with Radiant Garden's trading committee.  He unexpectedly arrived in Traverse Town when the world was shrouded in darkness.When the committee took an interest in his work of bladesmithing, he was told to make a strong weapon of light with enough power of light to defend Traverse Town from a strange and mysterious threat. They called themselves The XII Mushrooms. They are a cult group of mask wearing Nobodies. Who are these XIIs? Well, the story foretells that the roaming group of Heartless XXI Mushrooms were very rare and the perfect experimental idea because of their Implant intelligence to communicate with humans. A very destructive scientist who, like Ansem was interested in studying Heartless took an extreme obsession with them.

His name was Manifesto. He took a liking to them and wanted to seek powers to dominate the lands. Manifesto was named The Vampiric Duke of Death because he was from his homeland of Halloween Town as he terrorized it for quite a while. His luck came to an end when a brave warrior killed him in battle. But, the power of darkness of his heart and the fact he dabbled in dark forces caused him to re-rise as a Heartless. As he was testing his powers by capturing test subjects and absorbing their hearts. He figured out as he was a powerful heartless, he could become perfectly powerful if he absorbed other heartless. So he sought out the XIIS and had plans to make them powerful, then absorb them when they die. His plan backfired when they escaped their pods when they were supposed to be suspended in animation prior to 7 years in the future. 

As for the group of XII Mushrooms, they proclaimed themselves Implant Pseudos due to the experiments which also drove them mad with power as they formed the Fake Council 13. Named after ORG 13. Each XII Mushroom has weapons, persona, and names from its elemental ability. To put it simply, each other has one element they mastered in and goes by that name, such a  Number 1's name is Light because his main element is Light.True, the ORG saw them as copycats and nothing else. But when Number One was dabbling in powerful powers of darkness to control Heartless, this is what caught their attention that he could perhaps be a sort of vessel to becoming a somebody. Before they could send an agent, the ORG fell and failed to complete that task.Back to Noko and his weapons of light attempts, he failed in doing so the night he was attacked. He was transformed into a Heartless and was given a Heart of Heart to start out with, as his real heart was taken to be used for sinister things. A Heart of Heart can be bestowed by anybody who's hearts are strongly tied to positive or negative energy. Noko's exposure to light from making weapons of light eventually let his Heart of Hearts to grow to exceptional poetical, but nothing to make him better than a normal Heart of Heart. It is up to Noko to unite Humans and Heartless togeather as a whole race and stop Number 1's plans.

 When a Boss Heartless is defeated, it will unlock the source of its true powers. So he must unlock it to release that gray line to domesticate the Heartless. This means he will control the Heartless or do anything op in that manner, it simply allows him to talk to heartless to try and communicate with them. If that fails, he will have no choice but to eliminate them, as they are still a threat. He hates violence but even his own kind who threaten innocent lives must be defended and protected. Usually, the controlling source is a Boss Heartless, who is almost always a SemiSmart and therefore must be destroyed without question. Once it's defeated, the Heatless can be talked to. However, some will refuse to talk and even continue to attack others. 

As was his goal in life from that experience long ago He walks a path of a Heartless Avenger. At first, he hated what he had become, he resented it. But then, He noticed something. There was a lone Heartless Shadow, being bullied by some Nobodies, it couldn't fight on its own as it was struggling to keep up and fight with them. Noko wanted it to die, but something told him inside that it's wrong to hate something you've become and decided to intervene. He eventually came and rescued that Heartless, as he talked and trained with it, He developed deep feelings for the things he became, and that's why he seeks to pacify the Heartless, in order for the two races to live in harmony. Sadly, The two races of Heartless and Somebodies/Humans is already in a thin line, but it is possible to domesticate them with the gray line. Using his First and Last. A fake weapon of positive energy, he can unlock the gray line and communicate with Heartless only.


Current Primary Objective: Maintain The Outpost In Twilight Town And Help Pacify All Heartless To Help And Befriend Humans


Learning type: Visual and Verbal

Personality: Noko has the soul and spirit of a warrior of light yet in the body of a simple Heartless. He is more serious then he is fun at times, but it's because of what shaped him. As he wanted, he is to become The Heartless Avenger to fight against Number 1, and his evil minions, and docile all Heartless. He deeply hates violence and will only fight when absolutely needed. He cares for other's more than himself, and will honestly go out of the way or above to save a life. Seeing how he hasn't meet anybody is would be quite shocking to even hear a word come out of a Heartless, so he must take great care to how he speaks to a human.


Home World: 
Human Born: Radiant Garden
Reborn: Twilight Town Outskirts

Natural Affinities/Abilities/Skills:
Ability 1.
Floor Melt: Can travel under the floor in the fashion of a Pure-blood Shadow or Neo-Shadow and surface either 5 or 10 square meters away from the target. Takes 2 turns to use and 6 turns to recharge. This also works on ceilings and walls. All attacks that don't go, underground miss have a 50% chance to miss entirely. Unless the user stabs directly down into the ground with a weapon capable of breaking under the floor and successfully impales his underground cover.

Ability 2.
Heartless Communication: Can communicate with low level Heartless and attempt to strike a conversation or even obtain info. Takes 2 turns to fully communicate and pacify a heartless. The full ability takes 7 turns to recharge.

Spell 1.
Blue Ghost Flare: Uses Pure Shadow Based Elemental Based Magic to launch a blue fireball directly at his opponent, dealing small Shadow Element damage. Takes 2 turns to charge and 7 turns to recharge. Uses 20 MP Attack is reduced from 100% to 70% due to lack of proper magical training.



Limitations/Drawbacks: 
DrawbackOne:
Scorching Brightness: Upon physical contact with Light-Based Weapons/Spells/Abilities/Skills attacks, they deal twice a much damage as normal would.
DrawbackTwo:
Still A Heartless, Always A Heartless: Being a Heartless, even with a Heart of Heart, he still must control his urges, and pushing him to far will cause him to turn feral  In this Rage Mode, he is 50% stronger and deals bleeding damage on every successful hit, but attacks allies and foes, and loses 70% Intelligence, which causes most of his attacks to miss completely.
Limitation1:
Missing Digit: One of his fingered claw digits on his right arm is missing, wich makes gripping foes hard.
Limitation2:
Magic Lacking: Being a Warrior type of fighter, Noko is no Mage and lacks the magical properties for many spells, his magic is 30% weaker than a normal spell due to this.

Passive:

Heartborn Omen

Weapon: 

First and Last: The fabled relic said to be used to be given to be used for the weapons smith to defend Traverse Town from Number One, it is not a true key blade but a weapon of positive energy. It calms and allows Heartless once it unlocks the gray line of a Boss Heartless's Heart of Hearts to domesticate/talk to them. 

Role Playing Sample: 

Noko knew that to get to something, you must give. To get at a certain demographic will take effort, but he was willing to work for his services and be allowed by Humans to save lives. His current mission as if he was just reborn what seemed like millennia ago, he and his fellow recruits have been on a certain agent of Number One.

This was a Boss Nobody named Clear Blade The Sly. He was quite obviously a Samurai Nobody who was manipulating the Heartless to turn on the humans of Twilight Town. However, the debate is still on to if he had enough trust of the Humans to carry on this mission, so he asked the top heads of Twilight Town.

Whoever that may be to carry out his mission. It took some hard convincing, but he eventually gave way as to nobody else but a Heartless would do this job a Human couldn't, he happily walks to his recruits and tells of the good news. They were also given weapons to defend themselves and to prevent the loss of civilian casualties along the way. As he was just about to head out, he got word that there was another boss too... Noko grunts at the fact he had double the work. He knew this was going to be one of those days... 

Questions/Comments/Suggestions?: 

Just glad to be accepted!

[Clio]

A chipper moogle pops out of a mountain of papers, your entry paperwork in hand.
“Hello, Enigmatic One!” she announces. “It took a little to organize some thoughts, apologies.“

She sets the document down on her messy desk, and taps her chin. “I like the raw idea and the creativity you’ve put into Noko. I think we just need to flesh out what can work better in a world you control solo, and what works better in a public board where other members must adhere to the same set of rules.” Her bobble twitches as she thinks up an example. “For example, Traverse Town having a Mayor. Regarding Kingdom Hearts lore, there is presently no mayor or governing body of Traverse Town. For now, it would be easier to use a world of your own creation, where there might be a lot more liberty to disclose facts that don’t necessarily require the rest of the site to read and understand them for context.”

She jots down the next note. “The next thing we run into is: where he works into being a Heartless. While I do like the idea you have going, Heartless are human hearts (emotions) taken out of human bodies. While the idea of pseudo-Heartless could be plausible, the Staff have come to the conclusion that as the profile presently stands, we don’t have enough information on how it could work into Kingdom Hearts lore. So, we’ll need to dig a bit deeper.”

“Intelligent Heartless is a bit difficult a concept to work with. While occasionally there are displays of this in the games (Ansem, Seeker of Darkness for example) the cases are very rare. This makes having a whole group of them together a bit of a rare instance. Particularly in regard tot he Last Ones, Nobodies would work a bit better. It could more easily be argued that they they would be the intelligent, empty husks, seeking to regain their Hearts.”

Clio flips a page, then continues. “Additionally, who exactly are the XXI Mushroom? Mushroom XIII existed in KHII as a mini-game, but not quite as anything serious or sinister. We can see according to the profile that they’re a threat, but don’t know anything about who they are or what they do. So… the change between the Last Ones being the major threat to XXI Mushroom, might need a little detailing. It’s fine to have multiple baddies in a character bio, but help us understand who they are. What are their major motivations? Why are they a threat? What happened in the transition between the major baddie players we’re focusing on?”

Clio takes a look at her next note. “Noko’s Destiny. Where did it come from? Who told him that this is what he needs to do? Or is it more of a conclusion he came to himself, and a purpose he gave himself? And how does he intend to go about making the peace between humans and heartless work? It seems like a very hard destiny to have. Maybe peace comes from putting heartless and their nobody counterparts back together to make completed somebodies? If it’s specifically talking about adding peace between the two factions —“

The lore-keeper moogle scratches her head. “From what we know, the Heartless didn’t necessarily start actively hunting human hearts until Ansem the Seeker of Darkness began to stir up trouble. Peace between humans and heartless would be difficult to piece together. Maybe that peace comes in the form of locking the Heartless away to the realm of Darkness and restoring order to a system that needs balance… but the two sides don’t seem to want to get along.”

She uses her pen to point to the next item. “Mimicry: this ability may need some refinement. It’s good that he doesn’t copy powers. (An idea to help will be listed below.)

As for making Keyblades: how did Noko actually make a Keyblade? Keyblade forging, the few times we’ve seen it take place in the series, has required the sacrifice of at least one heart. Making copies - even false ones, is still very close to the rule we have about not starting with keyblades, though it doesn’t necessarily outright break it. Still, why not just make a strong weapon of Light? This removes any issue, while still getting at the same root point. The weapon could be as beautiful or elegant as a Keyblade, or even moreso, while being a completely unique item all its own.”

The moogle shrugs. “While it’s not exactly going to be the same story you would have initially proposed, if you’re willing to bend a few things for the sake of RPing here in the World Destiny universe, the following might be possible profile edit suggestions:

Perhaps the false Keyblade weapon actually consumed Hearts and eventually left the creator nothing more than a husk of his former self? This would leave enough vagueness in the description as to the weapon requirements and it would make him a threat to both Heartless and Humans. However, the false keyblade would eventually drawing on the souls of those it cut down, and Noko’s energies would have become more negative. Perhaps Noko began his story seriously hating Heartless, but after becoming mostly one himself (due to the reversed effects of the false Keyblade), he began to gain empathy for the Heartless instead?

And then, perhaps Noko wants there to be peace, and while it may not be a destiny given to him, it may be a personal purpose he’s given himself.

Mimicry could work if it perhaps took the shape of whatever the blade came into contact with because it consumed a tiny sliver of its soul? This would also fit into the Shinto undertones that Kingdom Hearts runs off of.

If you wanted to gear Noko’s profile around Heartless control and Heartless communication it would jive pretty well. He could talk to them, and he could probably train them a lot like a human would train a pet.”

Clio returns your papers. “That’s it! It seems a lot more than it actually is…” she scratches the back of her head as she floats in the air in front of you. A sweatdrop forms along the side of her forehead. “I’m just a bit wordy.”

She begins to flit about the room and collect the papers she’d scattered earlier. Geeze, how does she let it get so messy? “Sorry again for the wait time. It’s just been a bit of a mountain around here lately. I’ll be more quick to call when next you need me. And please, don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions!”

[Deleted]

Firstly, thank you for taking a look and time to explain to me what needed to be fixed, I really appreciated your kindness, so here's what I fixed. Firstly, I redid the story and backstory, I gave more information about the XXIs, I put one of my old oc named Manifesto i gave some info about him, and that experimented on them and drove them mad.

 Also,  Noko's weapon basically made major changes, plus the mimic ability. I also edited the spelling, added info to persudo heartless, and basically gave a lot more info and added some new info too. I Hope you can approve me, I'm ready as soon as you get a chance, and don't worry, please take your time, I don't want to be a bother to you. ^^ Again, the details were fixed to my best abilities. 

[Deleted]

Ummm..I'm ready to be approved... If you don't mind. Everything's been done.

[Bayde]

The door to the small office creaks open, and a Moogle in a black cloak floats into the room at a drowzy pace.

He's carrying two things with him: A cup of steaming tea in his left hand and a stack of paperwork in his right. As he floats comfortably into place in Clio's chair, he looks at you with a slight tilt of his head. He scans up, looking up and down as if measuring you up for something. Then, without a word he takes a barely audible sip from the mug, reaches into a drawer, and retrieves a red pen.

"Sorry for the wait, kuu," he apologizes, looking you in the eye through his own baggy, bloodshot ones. "Things can get a little chaotic around here, and we appreciate your patience regarding the review process. Unfortunately, I don't think you're quite ready for play just yet, kuu."

With a leisurely spin of the pen, he begins dotting areas of your paperwork for further inspection.

-----Backstory and Forum Rules-----

Noko is a Persudo-Heartless or "Intelligent" Heartless, meaning he feels and expresses human emotions.

While our lore does include Heartless of higher intelligence, that's usually all they're ever called. Labeling them here as "Persudo" is a bit confusing, but not too large of an issue. Though you may want to include a section about Noko's species here. You say that he is half Heartless, but you also say he's a Pureblood Shadow. I understand you may be referring to the fact that he isn't an Emblem Heartless, but to say he's Pureblood is also wrong. You need to organize this information better than it is now. Why are they called Persudo? How are the two different subcategories created? What are some examples of their presence in the world? Why are they important?

To go into more detail, his basic emotions to others are usually friendly and accepting. To those who wish to do him harm, however, he will never forgive and usually attempts to seek peace before having no choice but to fight.

You're presenting some conflicting information. If someone tries to hurt him, he'll never forgive them but will also try to seek peace? You might want to reword this so it's a bit clearer.

Noko Krimson Troshiro was your average human and swords smith He was told to make a strong weapon of light with enough power of light to defend the town of Traverse...

Please just call it Traverse Town. Also, where did your Character come from before Traverse Town? It's the city people go to when they lose their worlds, so he must have been somewhere before then. How does that tie into his backstory?

The story foretells that the roaming group of Heartless XXI Mushrooms were very rare and the perfect experimental idea because of their Implant intelligence to communicate with humans, particularly Sora.

Be aware that we don't usually allow the inclusion of canon characters in the backstory of original characters. Since it's very slight, I won't tell you to change it, but if it becomes a bigger issue later on it will have to be removed.

A very destructive scientist who, like Ansem was interested in studying Heartless named, Manifesto, captured only 10 XXIS and destroyed the rest, he gave personality and weapons, corresponding with their passive "one shot" elemental abilities and gave them names. He then put them in corresponding pods to be awoken at a distant future he was hoping to rule. However..They awoke so soon and he had to escape. Rumor has it he's building an army of some sort, but that's a story for another day..

This is an incredibly underdeveloped idea. If these characters are important enough to include in your character's backstory, they deserve - at the very least - names and specific mentions of abilities. The scientist doing research needs to have a reason why he wanted to rather than just being compared to Ansem. It's just lazy.

As for the group of XXI Mushrooms... They proclaimed themselves "Implant" Persudos due to the experiments, which also drove them mad with power, as they formed the "Fake Council 10" to counteract with the ORG 13.

How and why? How did the Organization locate them? Why did they bother associating with them? The Organization doesn't care about Heartless. They would sooner send Roxas and Xion to kill them during the timeline of 358/2 Days than ally with them. Again, this is the kind of thing you need to elaborate, kuu.

He then lost his heart of hearts. This artifact was made because of his raw exposure to light from making the weapons, its powers are that of controlling Heartless/Nobodies to a minor extent.

What is a Heart of Hearts? Why would Noko have one? Is it something specific to his race? The idea of a Heart of Hearts has never come up in Kingdom Hearts lore, so there's no way that Noko would have one and still mesh with the canon of the series unless you give it a good explanation.

This artifact was made because of his raw exposure to light from making the weapons, it's powers are that of controlling Heartless/Nobodies to a minor extent.

Heartless and Nobodies are beings of Darkness and Nothing respectively. Controlling both in one weapon is a little much. Please limit it to either one or the other.

It is up to Noko to find his heart of hearts and restore order to kingdom hearts. His destiny is to also bring Humans and Heartless together. To do this, he needs to pacify them and try and talk to them. This "destiny" Was foretold to him by a mysterious "voice" the moment he was reborn as a Heartless in Castle Oblivion. This "Destiny" AS the voice told him, was to eliminate all threats "The Fake 10", all Nobodies, and those who's evil corrupts the very good of what he stands for." The "Voice" Proclaims that deep within Heartless are a "Grey Line" that if found at the source..

This role that Noko is supposedly "destined" to play is in stark contrast to the Kingdom Hearts canon. If anything in Kingdom Hearts is really "destined," it's for Sora to restore the balance between Light and Darkness and save the worlds and lives lost to Ansem's actions. It's fine if this is a goal of Noko's, but to call it a "destiny" is overstepping your bounds. At least so long as this mysterious figure remains mysterious.

( Sadly it means a master controlling heartless boss or a nobody boss, that must be defeated, as each boss from different worlds, once they are open, will unlock the gray line in that world, which will turn heartless into Persudos.)

Again, Heartless are the Hearts of those who have been killed in the Kingdom Hearts lore. They can't return to any form of semi-intelligence from beating a Heartless or Nobody unassociated with them. They have to be struck down with a Keyblade and have the same done to their Nobody in order to return, as is the case with Lea in Dream, Drop, Distance.

-----Grammar, Syntax, and Spelling-----

He can even communicate and pacify other heartless, but some see their own ways, but once persuaded, they are loyal to helping humans and to protect Noko or allies of him.

Remember, when you use the word "Heartless," you need to capitalize it. That's the proper title of the species. Further, you've used "but" twice in the same sentence here to conjoin three separate ideas. That creates a run-on sentence. Please divide it up.

To go into more detail, his basic emotions to others are usually friendly and accepting.

I think you mean "toward others."

To go into more details, when Ansem The Wise originally studied Heartless, he noticed in one of his notes, that a rare case of a Heartless cooperating and working togeather.

That third comma doesn't need to be there.

So basically they are simply smart as their basic instincts have been evolved to a state of minor intelligence, there are two Persudo Heartless Semi-Smart, and Implant-Smart.

This should be two sentences.

Semis are like Nobodies because they display emotions but an only tied to the Heartless race, they are also Semi-Smart when their basic way of thinking is changed by non-foreign ways.

This should be two sentences. Also, I believe you mean "are" instead of "an." This comparison to Nobodies may need to be reworked, as Nobodies only fake having emotions. Is that what you're saying about the semi-intelligent Heartless?

They cannot choose their own ways as can Implant and can still be manipulated.

I think you mean "as Implant can." Otherwise, you make it sound like Implant Heartless can't control their actions either.

It is up to Noko to find his heart of hearts and restore order to kingdom hearts.

Remember to capitalize Heart of Hearts (if you're going to use it) and Kingdom Hearts.

This "destiny" Was foretold to him by a mysterious "voice" the moment he was reborn as a Heartless in Castle Oblivion.

You shouldn't be capitalizing "was" here.

This "Destiny" AS the voice told him, was to eliminate all threats "The Fake 10", all Nobodies, and those who's evil corrupts the very good of what he stands for."

You shouldn't be capitalizing "as." Also, you should add some degree of separation between the mention of "all threats" and the listing of them. A semicolon or a second sentence would work. I also don't understand why Noko needs to destroy Nobodies. The only way that would be a good thing to do would be if the Heartless associated with that Nobody was also destroyed and the original Human was reformed.

At first, he hated what he had become, he resented it, but then he noticed something, there was a lone Heartless Shadow, being bullied by some Nobodys, it couldn't fight on its own as it was afraid.

There are many extra commas here, and this run-on sentence can be divided into at least two.

Noko came and rescued that Heartless, as he talked and trained with it, he developed deep feelings for the things he became, and that's when the voice foretold his destiny.

Again, this is a run-on sentence.

His weapon of light, First and Last not a key blade at all but a powerful relic, is designed to capture hearts and use them to eventually fill in the "Heart of Hearts" as he was missing, once he aquires it, he will open that grey line, and forfile his role in life.

You need to use an existence verb when referring to First and Last. Something like "First and Last was not a Keyblade at all, but..." should do. You also need to divide this up into more sentences. Each should have no more than one or two clauses.

-----Final Remarks-----

This profile still needs a lot of work in the areas of its storyline and literary prose. A lot of what you have here relies on things that don't mesh well with the general Kingdom Hearts lore. Of course, some of those can be overlooked since this is a roleplaying forum and we've done our fair share of canonical divergence. However, much of it can't be. It seems like you're trying to create a main character for everyone else to follow after in your plot rather than entwine your story in with those of the other players. You're also taking too many creative liberties with the Kingdom Hearts lore and the lore of the site.

You've got a lot of grammatical and syntax issues to pan out as well, and that may take a few tries unless you're particularly careful with how you do things. We don't expect perfection, but part of being able to join in here is showing that you have the will to improve as a writer in technical skills and the ability to weave together a good story.

Take a few days. Show us how well you can improve. Be careful and meticulous, because there's a lot of work left to do.

I wish you good skill, kuu.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2017 23:15:58 GMT -4 Bayde said:

The door to the small office creaks open, and a Moogle in a black cloak floats into the room at a drowzy pace.

He's carrying two things with him: A cup of steaming tea in his left hand and a stack of paperwork in his right. As he floats comfortably into place in Clio's chair, he looks at you with a slight tilt of his head. He scans up, looking up and down as if measuring you up for something. Then, without a word he takes a barely audible sip from the mug, reaches into a drawer, and retrieves a red pen.

"Sorry for the wait, kuu," he apologizes, looking you in the eye through his own baggy, bloodshot ones. "Things can get a little chaotic around here, and we appreciate your patience regarding the review process. Unfortunately, I don't think you're quite ready for play just yet, kuu."

With a leisurely spin of the pen, he begins dotting areas of your paperwork for further inspection.

-----Backstory and Forum Rules-----

Noko is a Persudo-Heartless or "Intelligent" Heartless, meaning he feels and expresses human emotions.

While our lore does include Heartless of higher intelligence, that's usually all they're ever called. Labeling them here as "Persudo" is a bit confusing, but not too large of an issue. Though you may want to include a section about Noko's species here. You say that he is half Heartless, but you also say he's a Pureblood Shadow. I understand you may be referring to the fact that he isn't an Emblem Heartless, but to say he's Pureblood is also wrong. You need to organize this information better than it is now. Why are they called Persudo? How are the two different subcategories created? What are some examples of their presence in the world? Why are they important?

To go into more detail, his basic emotions to others are usually friendly and accepting. To those who wish to do him harm, however, he will never forgive and usually attempts to seek peace before having no choice but to fight.

You're presenting some conflicting information. If someone tries to hurt him, he'll never forgive them but will also try to seek peace? You might want to reword this so it's a bit clearer.

Noko Krimson Troshiro was your average human and swords smith He was told to make a strong weapon of light with enough power of light to defend the town of Traverse...

Please just call it Traverse Town. Also, where did your Character come from before Traverse Town? It's the city people go to when they lose their worlds, so he must have been somewhere before then. How does that tie into his backstory?

The story foretells that the roaming group of Heartless XXI Mushrooms were very rare and the perfect experimental idea because of their Implant intelligence to communicate with humans, particularly Sora.

Be aware that we don't usually allow the inclusion of canon characters in the backstory of original characters. Since it's very slight, I won't tell you to change it, but if it becomes a bigger issue later on it will have to be removed.

A very destructive scientist who, like Ansem was interested in studying Heartless named, Manifesto, captured only 10 XXIS and destroyed the rest, he gave personality and weapons, corresponding with their passive "one shot" elemental abilities and gave them names. He then put them in corresponding pods to be awoken at a distant future he was hoping to rule. However..They awoke so soon and he had to escape. Rumor has it he's building an army of some sort, but that's a story for another day..

This is an incredibly underdeveloped idea. If these characters are important enough to include in your character's backstory, they deserve - at the very least - names and specific mentions of abilities. The scientist doing research needs to have a reason why he wanted to rather than just being compared to Ansem. It's just lazy.

As for the group of XXI Mushrooms... They proclaimed themselves "Implant" Persudos due to the experiments, which also drove them mad with power, as they formed the "Fake Council 10" to counteract with the ORG 13.

How and why? How did the Organization locate them? Why did they bother associating with them? The Organization doesn't care about Heartless. They would sooner send Roxas and Xion to kill them during the timeline of 358/2 Days than ally with them. Again, this is the kind of thing you need to elaborate, kuu.

He then lost his heart of hearts. This artifact was made because of his raw exposure to light from making the weapons, its powers are that of controlling Heartless/Nobodies to a minor extent.

What is a Heart of Hearts? Why would Noko have one? Is it something specific to his race? The idea of a Heart of Hearts has never come up in Kingdom Hearts lore, so there's no way that Noko would have one and still mesh with the canon of the series unless you give it a good explanation.

This artifact was made because of his raw exposure to light from making the weapons, it's powers are that of controlling Heartless/Nobodies to a minor extent.

Heartless and Nobodies are beings of Darkness and Nothing respectively. Controlling both in one weapon is a little much. Please limit it to either one or the other.

It is up to Noko to find his heart of hearts and restore order to kingdom hearts. His destiny is to also bring Humans and Heartless together. To do this, he needs to pacify them and try and talk to them. This "destiny" Was foretold to him by a mysterious "voice" the moment he was reborn as a Heartless in Castle Oblivion. This "Destiny" AS the voice told him, was to eliminate all threats "The Fake 10", all Nobodies, and those who's evil corrupts the very good of what he stands for." The "Voice" Proclaims that deep within Heartless are a "Grey Line" that if found at the source..

This role that Noko is supposedly "destined" to play is in stark contrast to the Kingdom Hearts canon. If anything in Kingdom Hearts is really "destined," it's for Sora to restore the balance between Light and Darkness and save the worlds and lives lost to Ansem's actions. It's fine if this is a goal of Noko's, but to call it a "destiny" is overstepping your bounds. At least so long as this mysterious figure remains mysterious.

( Sadly it means a master controlling heartless boss or a nobody boss, that must be defeated, as each boss from different worlds, once they are open, will unlock the gray line in that world, which will turn heartless into Persudos.)

Again, Heartless are the Hearts of those who have been killed in the Kingdom Hearts lore. They can't return to any form of semi-intelligence from beating a Heartless or Nobody unassociated with them. They have to be struck down with a Keyblade and have the same done to their Nobody in order to return, as is the case with Lea in Dream, Drop, Distance.

-----Grammar, Syntax, and Spelling-----

He can even communicate and pacify other heartless, but some see their own ways, but once persuaded, they are loyal to helping humans and to protect Noko or allies of him.

Remember, when you use the word "Heartless," you need to capitalize it. That's the proper title of the species. Further, you've used "but" twice in the same sentence here to conjoin three separate ideas. That creates a run-on sentence. Please divide it up.

To go into more detail, his basic emotions to others are usually friendly and accepting.

I think you mean "toward others."

To go into more details, when Ansem The Wise originally studied Heartless, he noticed in one of his notes, that a rare case of a Heartless cooperating and working togeather.

That third comma doesn't need to be there.

So basically they are simply smart as their basic instincts have been evolved to a state of minor intelligence, there are two Persudo Heartless Semi-Smart, and Implant-Smart.

This should be two sentences.

Semis are like Nobodies because they display emotions but an only tied to the Heartless race, they are also Semi-Smart when their basic way of thinking is changed by non-foreign ways.

This should be two sentences. Also, I believe you mean "are" instead of "an." This comparison to Nobodies may need to be reworked, as Nobodies only fake having emotions. Is that what you're saying about the semi-intelligent Heartless?

They cannot choose their own ways as can Implant and can still be manipulated.

I think you mean "as Implant can." Otherwise, you make it sound like Implant Heartless can't control their actions either.

It is up to Noko to find his heart of hearts and restore order to kingdom hearts.

Remember to capitalize Heart of Hearts (if you're going to use it) and Kingdom Hearts.

This "destiny" Was foretold to him by a mysterious "voice" the moment he was reborn as a Heartless in Castle Oblivion.

You shouldn't be capitalizing "was" here.

This "Destiny" AS the voice told him, was to eliminate all threats "The Fake 10", all Nobodies, and those who's evil corrupts the very good of what he stands for."

You shouldn't be capitalizing "as." Also, you should add some degree of separation between the mention of "all threats" and the listing of them. A semicolon or a second sentence would work. I also don't understand why Noko needs to destroy Nobodies. The only way that would be a good thing to do would be if the Heartless associated with that Nobody was also destroyed and the original Human was reformed.

At first, he hated what he had become, he resented it, but then he noticed something, there was a lone Heartless Shadow, being bullied by some Nobodys, it couldn't fight on its own as it was afraid.

There are many extra commas here, and this run-on sentence can be divided into at least two.

Noko came and rescued that Heartless, as he talked and trained with it, he developed deep feelings for the things he became, and that's when the voice foretold his destiny.

Again, this is a run-on sentence.

His weapon of light, First and Last not a key blade at all but a powerful relic, is designed to capture hearts and use them to eventually fill in the "Heart of Hearts" as he was missing, once he aquires it, he will open that grey line, and forfile his role in life.

You need to use an existence verb when referring to First and Last. Something like "First and Last was not a Keyblade at all, but..." should do. You also need to divide this up into more sentences. Each should have no more than one or two clauses.

-----Final Remarks-----

This profile still needs a lot of work in the areas of its storyline and literary prose. A lot of what you have here relies on things that don't mesh well with the general Kingdom Hearts lore. Of course, some of those can be overlooked since this is a roleplaying forum and we've done our fair share of canonical divergence. However, much of it can't be. It seems like you're trying to create a main character for everyone else to follow after in your plot rather than entwine your story in with those of the other players. You're also taking too many creative liberties with the Kingdom Hearts lore and the lore of the site.

You've got a lot of grammatical and syntax issues to pan out as well, and that may take a few tries unless you're particularly careful with how you do things. We don't expect perfection, but part of being able to join in here is showing that you have the will to improve as a writer in technical skills and the ability to weave together a good story.

Take a few days. Show us how well you can improve. Be careful and meticulous, because there's a lot of work left to do.

I wish you good skill, kuu.

Ok I looked over alot of things and I tried to make everything fan out and not break any rules, I changed and added alot of info, I also checked spelling and grammer and also changed ALOT of diffrent things that needed to be done. If there is anything else, please respond to this, I think I will take some days to study, but please, take your time again, no rush and thank you for your imput, I love you guys!

[Deleted]

Hey guys, umm it's been almost 2 weeks. I just hope you know I made some major changes, so if somebody could review this so I can begin my epic quest, that would be excellent.

[Bayde]

- - - - - Grammar & Syntax - - - - -

When Ansem The Wise originally studied Heartless, he noticed in one of his notes, that a rare case of a Heartless cooperating and working togeather

That second comma shouldn't be there. You can't say "a Heartless worked together" as "together" implies at least two Heartless. You've also misspelled the word "together."

This began the studied theory and conclusion that if introduced to a sort of "Foreign" type of interaction, one could perhaps pacify or even communicate with a Heartless.

This sentence reads awkwardly. The phrase "studied theory" is redundant, as obviously a theory would have to be studied to become a theory in the first place. Further, there's no need to capitalize the word "foreign" here. Or put it in quotes, for that matter.

They are important as a race because of the extremely rare thing of, they can talk and work as a community.

This sentence reads awkwardly. "Important because of the extremely rare thing of" is somewhat nonsensical. Just say that they're important because they hold the rare trait of being able to work as a group.

Pseudo's personas are also different from regular Heartless, because they show emotions much like nobodies, except the fact they still have a burning hunger for hearts, but it is controlled if one feeds it a;
"Artificial Heart".

This is a really noticeable run-on sentence. You'll need to make several sentences out of it and cut out quite a few commas. You've also misspelled the word "and," failed to capitalized "Nobodies," and used the word "feeds" instead of "eats." There really isn't a need to put quotes around the phrase "Artificial Heart" or capitalize the first word in it, either. You also don't have that apostrophe in the right place.

Made from data and scraps of material that come into a sort of "food item" for Pseudos, literally, this is like "brain food" as consumption of the artificial hearts increases brain function and even gives minor characteristics.

Calling the artificial heart a food item is a little weird, as just calling it food will suffice. You've got an extra space between the words food and for. You don't need quotations around "food item" or "brain food."

Which is why it's important for the Heartless Avenger to pacify all Heartless by defeated their controller or "boss" that causes them to be hostile.

This is a sentence fragment as it is currently written. The easiest fix would be to swap out "Which" for "This."

Being newly introduced they haven't made an impression on in the world yet, however it is being noticed that a small group of Pseudo.

You need a comma after your prepositional phrase. You should delete the word "in" from the sentence. This is also an incomplete sentence. You don't need to cut it off just because you have a phrase in parentheses.

So basically they are simply smart as their basic instincts have been evolved to a state of minor intelligence, there are two types.

Semi-Smart.

And

Implant-Smart.

This is not the right format for what you're trying to accomplish. Especially when you have two sentence fragments. You want to use a colon, not two extra periods.

Semis are like Nobodies because they display emotions but an only tied to the Heartless race.

You still need to replace "an" with "are."

Have a higher based coordination and brain patterns of thinking then Semi's.

This is an incomplete sentence. The apostrophe you've used in "Semi's" means the word is in singular possessive form. You just want it in plural form. Take out the apostrophe.

With skills of that of a human, because the Heartless was taught by somebody to be smart, or had the intelligence put into them by a foreign source.

This is a sentence fragment.

Because of Such.

This is a sentence fragment.

Dressed in his "Wayfarer's Wardrobe" of a cape with chain mail light armor and leather padded materials.

This is an incomplete sentence. It lacks a subject.

Noko Krimson Troshiro was your average human and swords smith.

Swordsmith is one word. You may even want to use bladesmith, as that is the more traditional term.

When he started getting into weapon's making.

You don't need an apostrophe here, and the phrase should probably be "making weapons" anyway. This is also an incomplete sentence.

Eventually due to his fame of light weapon's specialty

This is the first half of the sentence, but the paragraph break cuts it off from its conclusion. Also, the phrase "fame of light weapon's specialty" is awkward and includes a word that has an apostrophe which shouldn't be there.

Similar errors exist throughout the remainder of the profile.

- - - - - Conceptual Issues - - - - -

When Ansem The Wise originally studied Heartless, he noticed in one of his notes, that a rare case of a Heartless cooperating and working togeather

Why would he only notice this phenomenon in his notes? Wasn't he the one who took them? Wouldn't Ansem have known that Heartless did this sort of thing before looking through his notes?

Like being literally "persuaded" they earned the name "Pseudo" from such a theory.

No. The name you used before - Persudo - worked fine here, as you just cut the word "persuade" short. It made sense. Using Pseudo means you're saying that these aren't real Heartless, which they very much are. If you want the name to be based on how you persuade the Heartless into docility, you should switch back to Persudo.

They are important as a race because of the extremely rare thing of, they can talk and work as a community.

This isn't exactly accurate. Every Heartless has the ability to work with other Heartless. It's just a matter of who's in charge of them. They all obey orders from people with influence over Darkness, and if that means using teamwork then they will use teamwork. You need to specify that they show emotion, which is something we do not see Heartless do unless they have human form.

Made from data and scraps of material that come into a sort of "food item" for Pseudos, literally, this is like "brain food" as consumption of the artificial hearts increases brain function and even gives minor characteristics.

Why exactly can the Heartless eat data? What kind of materials need to be combined with this data to make food? How does one physically manifest data - something that never truly had a physical form in the Kingdom Hearts series - in the first place? In a place like the Twilight where accessing a computer would be nearly impossible, how would your character eat if his primary source of nourishment is these artificial Hearts?

(Also in KH3 you can see several videos of heartless banning togeather to fight in coordinated attacks, this supports the theory that they do have the potential to become smart.)

Heartless have been working together since the first games where they appear in swarms and attack you in waves. In fact, their entry into the Coliseum in Hercules' world points towards them being able to group up for attacks. This doesn't point towards intelligence any more than a pack of wolves traveling together would, especially given the incredible simplicity of these so-called "coordinated attacks."

They only have fake emotions and usually are only able to control Heartless of smaller rank depending on how smart they are

I have a lot of trouble accepting this. Nobodies only display fake emotions because they cannot actually feel them, but have memories of them. Heartless, the Hearts that the Nobodies have lost, should in turn do nothing but feel with no ability to control their baser impulses. There is no reason a Heartless should have to or even be able to fake their emotions.

He then moved to Traverse Town when he got news the world's demise was about to get taken over and didn't want to get himself hurt.

No one moved to other Worlds of their own accord. When Radiant Garden fell, no one within it knew that there were other Worlds out there. At least no one that wasn't deeply rooted in Ansem's schemes and research. Noko would have to have arrived there much like Sora did - suddenly, unexpectedly, and after falling through the Darkness.

On the subject of Heartless bosses, Grey lines, and pacifying the Heartless

Should there ever be a boss fight at all related to Noko's personal plot, the pacifying effect of defeating one of these bosses will remain largely ignored. You'll be free to have pacified Heartless and such in threads that you participate in that aren't controlled by GMs or are necessary to the plot, but their inclusion in those you aren't in control of is entirely up to the players and the GMs that run the threads.

Please understand. We'd like you to have a character, but in the end the GMs will be in charge of the direction of the forum's major story arcs. This mechanic you've introduced does not fit well within canonical KH lore, and as such we've decided to extremely limit its potency. Anything besides that would either stomp on your creative freedom as a player or allow your personal plotline to boss around the staff. We cannot abide by either of those.

(Human Born):
Traverse Town

You've previously said that he came from Radiant Garden to Traverse Town. You may want to adjust this.

Ability 1.
Mimicry: Mimics the appearance and weapon of the user almost perfectly. It is, to note that, he can change back on 4 turns. Takes 2 turns to morph and 5 to morph back if he needs to. Also, doesn't gain any powers just the form and weapon of the user. The mimic ability basically just shapes him into the chosen clothing and weapon of that user, however, it looks more heartless like, almost as a double image or "twin illusion". It is simply for disguise or to "intimidate the foe".

In light of recent events, we've decided to limit the abilities of this power. Noko will not be able to substantially gain strength, size, or combat power as a result of his shapeshifting ability. Basically, you won't be allowed to grow fifty feet tall and throw a building at someone. You need to remain relatively the same size, within a reasonable margin of course.

One last thing. Why is it that every single sentence now starts a new paragraph? That's not a very good way of organizing your thoughts. You may want to group things back up into proper paragraphs.

All right. That covers about all my concerns with this go-around. Have fun editing.

[Deleted]

I corrected most of my spelling errors, I put some info about what needed to be discussed because of complaints and explained them very cognitively, so please understand I'm trying my best not to make you guys mad or even get rid of my oc. I tried to explain in the best way possible so please understand I apologize for the confusion if any was made, please take your time and review when you read through all of it, and hopefully this will be the last review.. I hope. X.X But again, thank you for tolerating my stupidity. I Love all of you and hope to rp with you guys real soon. You won't regret it, and togeather, let's make kingdom hearts as fans and writers proud of what we do. God bless.

[Jin]

- - - - - Grammar & Syntax - - - - -

There are still several instances of sentence fragments, misused or misplaced apostrophes in words, adding quotations marks around words and phrases that don't need them while also capitalizing them. I believe you've been provided with enough examples of what to look for at this point. From here, it's all about diligence on your part.

You also have a bad habit of overusing colons and semicolons in an attempt to make certain words seem more dramatic, but it really just slogs down the reading of your profile. Further, you should stick to one spelling of the word "grey." You've spelled it g-r-a-y and g-r-e-y with no sense of consistency.

- - - - -Concepts & Canonical Issues- - - - -

You've stated that your artificial Hearts are made up of fragments of other Hearts, but I'm not sure you understand what this entails. Hearts are not fragmented or destroyed so easily - Kingdom Hearts characters are functionally immortal as far as the Heart is concerned. The only instance we've ever seen of a Heart breaking the way that would be required for your food to be produced is in the case of Ventus. This doesn't exactly strike me as a peaceful, non-malicious ilk of Heartless if their food source requires them to destroy Hearts.

Even if your idea is that you only destroy the Heartless to create it, those are still very real Hearts that belong to very real people within the Kingdom Hearts lore. If you're okay with that, it's fine, but this doesn't exactly paint the picture of a hero in anyone's head.

Your idea of a Heart of Hearts is also still very raw and unrefined. You say that a Persudo can be pacified if it eats one, but then you also say that it is something exclusive to the Persudo Heartless race. Are they cannibals? Then, you say that Noko's is better than the others, but also that he doesn't have it because he lost it? And it became the "Pseudo Heart of All Hearts?" This idea is incredibly foggy. Not confusing; poorly explained.

- - - - -Final Notes- - - - -

The mods have collectively come to the decision that this is going to be your last shot. If the profile isn't in passable shape after your next round of edits, Noko is going to be rejected. This stems from quite a few reasons. The first and foremost of which being that the idea itself is going to be incredibly difficult to incorporate into our canon simply because you've created Noko as the main character of a story that revolves entirely around him and dramatically changes the rules of the Kingdom Hearts universe. While we have had intelligent Heartless before, the idea that every Heartless has the potential to become a non-threat and coexist within the world of Light is contrary to their basic nature and description.

Secondly, it's an issue of your writing. You're obviously very dedicated to your craft, but we just don't think you have the skills to fit in well among the rest of our player base. Your syntax and grammar are all over the place, your prose often comes off as stilted, and even after a lot of micro-managing on my part your penultimate product is still a little nonsensical at times. We encourage the pursuit of improvement, but we also have a skill floor for admittance.

Finally, it's an issue of your behavior regarding approval. You've entered a sort of routine in all this. You receive a review, and you're very thankful and respectful. Then, a day passes and you start asking about the review and when it's going to happen. Finally, you get really passive aggressive about it. You bump your thread after you've already informed us that you've made changes, you add notes to your profile that directly address the criticism you've received, and the mods are left with few other choices than to let it continue and perhaps get worse or cut into their own schedules of real life work to cough out another review. Then the cycle repeats. You become very thankful and respectful and even self-deprecating to the point that I'd venture to call it a blatant attempt at getting a more lenient review.

This is about merit. Not pity.

With all that in mind, I all but demand that you take your time with this. Really think about the rules of the Kingdom Hearts universe, then think about how Noko and his plot could possibly integrate into it. Remember that your character isn't ever going to be a main character in the universal narrative involving Sora and the gang, but don't let that stop you from making something smaller and more meaningful to Noko.

It's your last shot. Do your best. We'll see what you've got.

[Deleted]

I promise once this is over I will give my best roleplays ever. Thank you Jin. Also, if Noko dosn't get approved, I'm going to re-write the whole series and base it off the 5 factions, possibly new made up factions fighting for their own cause, who knows, the possibilities are endless. So yeah, not being PA but Accepting. I'm sorry if I was rude and obnoxious but deep down I really just want to rp. So take no pity on me and simply. If he's gone, he's gone.

[Bayde]