In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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Welcome to the RP Academy, Leonus, my name is Sage and I'll be your Instructor for here. Here is how this will work:
I would like for you to post to this thread as if posting a new RP thread with your character. I will then see what it is that you can improve on and point them out to you, as well as replying as one of my own characters.
Please understand that this is, by no means, a way to say that your skills are lacking, or that you have been singled out; it is merely a means to assist your growth as a writer and a roleplayer. We all have things to learn from each other; just as I have things I would like to teach you, I'm sure that there's also things that I can learn from you~
The rules are as as follows:
•Respect the site rules. Which means no powerplaying/godmodding other people's characters. I and others don't really care for that type of behavior D:
• Listen to advice. I cannot teach one who will not learn.
• Feel free to disagree If you have issue with something I said, please feel free to point it out. This is a group effort. That said, should you do so, provide reasoning and your alternative views in a calm, rational, and non-confrontational manner, I will treat you with respect, and expect the same treatment in return.
• Have fun. This is a game; furthermore, this is out of plot (unless you later choose to add this into continuity) roleplay. Anything that does not conflict with the rules goes; and that said, we have a little more leeway here. Namely, the location, situation, and anything else are up in the air. If you want to try out something, feel free to do so.
Post by sagefirefox on Feb 8, 2009 12:54:21 GMT -4
((As for now I see no answer to that so I'll give you my opinion. In your RP sample you've already made corrections I assume, for me to really see your RPing skills I require a newly composed one, kinda like school. In school there are no freebies, so in here I just ask that you make yourself a new thread. Sound fair?))
Traverse Town.. A world of people without a world, a home to people without a home, a sanctuary to those in need, this world is where Leonus adventure started, he stood out in the crowd, like a whale in a fish tank, his black outfit and tanned skin made it worse, he was shot burning glares by some of the newer arrivals to Traverse Town, he didnt care though, Leonus was used to people looking down on him, he was used to people laughing and pointing at him.
Leonus began to walk, he walked towards his parents house, knowing they would be in he just opened the door and walked straight through, he kicked off his shoes and paced down the hallway until he found where his mother and father was, in the kitchen. They acknowledged his presence by turning to face him, he nodded his head in a sign of respect to his parents, the ones who brought him upon this world.
"Mother, Father, i'll be leaving Traverse Town soon in search of new worlds, I thank you for all you've done for me throughout my life and you will be repayed." He once again bowed his head to his parents and then waited for what they had to say. "We're happy you're finally leaving son but always remember, we'll always be here, in Traverse Town for you, waiting for your return, you can always count on us to be here for you, now go, leave this world and enter a new one, begin your life anew, its time for a fresh start Leonus" His father beamed happily at him and patted him on the back, his mother kissed him on the cheek and pushed a bulging heavy bag into his hands. "Munny, for the journey, also whatever else you'll need." A light smile crossed his lips as he stepped back into the hallway, he put on his shoes and opened the door waving to his parents as he did so.
He stepped out into Traverse Town, as busy as ever, he now needed to find a way to get from one world to another. He took it upon himself to ask people how they got here from their worlds and he soon found out the answer, a train or a gummi ship.
Post by sagefirefox on Feb 8, 2009 15:10:47 GMT -4
((Alright, a couple things here. Your grammar has several mistakes in it, not too bad, but things that Microsoft Word can fix. For example: "Leonus began to walk, he walked towards his parents house, knowing they would be in he just opened the door and walked straight through, he kicked off his shoes and paced down the hallway until he found where his mother and father was, in the kitchen." Could be fixed to, "Leonus began to walk, he walked toward his parent's house knowing they would be in. He just opened the door and walked straight through. He kicked off his shoes and paced down the hallway until he found where his mother and father were, in the kitchen."
That does not include anything else added that would be necessary. One thing I notice is that your sentences run on. Your first paragraph is just a sentence itself, when I see it could be 4 sentences split up. As I showed you in the example above, some commas need to be taken out and others need to be turned into a period.
Your sentences are a bit choppy and can have some more adjectives and other things to jazz it up added to it. For example: "Mother, Father, i'll be leaving Traverse Town soon in search of new worlds, I thank you for all you've done for me throughout my life and you will be repayed." could be, He took a deep breath and prepared himself for his speech, "Mother, father, I'm going to be leaving Traverse Town soon in search of new worlds. I thank you for all you've done for me, throughout my life and I promise I'll repay any munny you loan me."
It answers several questions, 'How is he feeling?' 'Repaying what?’ things like that. Another example I have is this, I'm sure you can figure out the sentence, "His father beamed happily at him, though Leonus could see the pain in his eyes, and patted him on the back." I'm sure no parent in their right mind would be really happy to see his son go. Just add things into your sentences to have it make sense.
As for my post...))
Sage was walking down the street, her eyes darting this way and that in search of any unguarded bundles of food or munny. Just then her jade eyes locked onto a kid holding a rather large bag and looking slightly lost. She smoothly glided over to him and steadied her pace to be walking with him. "Hi there." she greeted as she flashed him a smile. It had been a long time since she had eaten and maybe this kid was the ticket to a nice dinner.
Her eyes casually slid to the bulging sack and the corners of her mouth pulled up. She was glad that he was so easy to find, with tan skin and all black clothes he stood out like a Firefox in a sea of regular foxes.
Like it was everyday talk she looked back up to him and asked, "What's in the bag?"
It seemed like a fair questions, just how many people walked around carrying a bundle looking like its contents were going to explode? Last time she checked, not many. As she looked up she saw that they were somewhat going to the gates of Twilight Town, meaning...this kid was leaving? So that's what must be in the bag, provisions for the trip. Her face fell, where was food (or munny) when you needed it?
It seemed as soon as Leonus walked out of his parents house he was targeted, a tanned girl soon appeared by his side. "Hi there." He glanced to his side briefly and almost spoke, but then ignored her and carried on walking holding the big bag of munny in his right hand.
His eyes flickered to his side and he noticed that she was eyeing the bag, he gripped it tighter but did it without her noticing, he took in her appearance and wondered why she looked so strange. Her jade eyes seemed to pierce the bag and empty the contents, he gripped the bag even tighter than before and continued along.
The girl soon spoke again, "Whats in the bag?" This time he thought about what he should do, he knew if she attacked him then he had the upper hand, 210 lbs of bulging muscle against a young slender girl, who seemed to be around 14-15.
He prepared a thought out speech,"Food and water, I'm leaving Traverse Town, for all I know it could be the longest journey of my life, these are for the trip." It seemed to the human eye there was no movement but there was, Leonus had slyly slit the bag at the bottom and the munny had fell into his pocket, all that remained was the food.
Post by sagefirefox on Feb 8, 2009 22:01:59 GMT -4
((Onto the next set of things! It helps if once you're done writing up your post to go ahead and read though it, then you'll catch simple things such as this error: "but then ignored her and carried on walking holding the big bag of munny in his right hand." where you put "Walking holding the big bag of munny" is could be changed to "Walking as he held the big bag of munny" Make sense?
Also, "210 lbs of bulging muscle against a young slender girl, who seemed to be around 14-15." We all have our downfalls right? Well here seems to be the perfect example of a god. In your character's profile he does have his ups and downs but having him be all muscle and 210 pounds makes him seem undefeatable. Take a look at Sora for example, though he wields a keyblade, he doesn't look to have huge muscles or super strong. So I'd just cut down some things there.
Now onto this sentence: "It seemed to the human eye there was no movement but there was, Leonus had slyly slit the bag at the bottom and the munny had fell into his pocket, all that remained was the food." This bag is full of money and other provisions, correct? So then how could one slit the bottom of the bag and get only the money to fall into their pockets. Taking a look at Leonus' pants they seem to have regular pockets, take a look at any pockets you see on pants and you'll notice that munny could just fall into them.
Still continuing on that subject, that is an example of godmodding. In your profile it only says that he is very wise, not that he's a master swordsman. To me, making him be both is very unfair to any character he is fighting against. I'm sure there is no way that Sage wouldn't see him.
Yet again, still on the subject, he slit the bottom of the sack, I find it hard to believe that only munny fell out. And the bottom is slit as well, I'm sure that munny just falls out and magically repairs itself. I'm sure after reading this you have all sorts of plans how to fix this, so I'm going to do something a little different here. How's about you repost and fix your mistakes? Do not edit your previous post, we are here to see your improvements, not cover them up. After reposting and editing, I will then post. Until then.
((I guess it semed like I godmodded a bit but I rushed it, I'll take longer next time, I'll read through my posts and if it seems theres no mistakes like about the rules, or grammatical errors, or sentence structure problems I'll post it.
He's not a master swordsman but he's cunning and could easily of slit the bag without her noticing, I guess the way I put it was slightly bordering the edges of reality.
I'll try to improve next time and could you please tell me more of what I need to do? I'm not the brightest grape in the bunch and didnt quite understand what you meant by "Do not edit your previous post, we are here to see your improvements, not cover them up. After reposting and editing, I will then post. Until then."))
Post by sagefirefox on Feb 9, 2009 19:33:08 GMT -4
((I understand. All I mean is that you copy your old post, repost it in a new post, edit your things, and then I will reply. I feel that it is necessary to not reedit your post because then I will not be able to see any of your improvements. Does this make sense now?
One more thing, can you please answer the question in your post about how he got the munny into his pockets without her noticing? And how he got all that munny into his pockets? And how nothing else fell out of the bag?))
