In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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Seifer had just made his final blow and grabbed enough orbs needed to win. He looked at the the crowd the was cheering him on, he had felt a smile crawl across his face.
Seifer put down his struggle bat and walked over to the struggle promoter to receive his the prize, the struggle trophy. He lifted up the trophy to show the screaming crowd. He looked over at Setzer who had the look of disbelief on his face. That sight made Seifer more happy than the trophy did.
Seifer stepped of the struggle platform and talked to some of the screaming fans.
Seifer sat down on the bench and looked up at the sky still with a smile. He was proud he had won the struggle tournament again. He decided that it was now time time to go home. He stood up and walked back to his place.
Seifer opened the door to his room and placed the struggle trophy on and empty shelf. He laid back on his bed to stare at the ceiling. He took slow breaths for he was tired, though he may not have shown it in front of his fans. He placed his hands under his head and closed his eyes.
Okay fixed broke into smaller chunks were I felt time changes and replaced an and with a comma and replaced all Seifers with he rxcept for the ones that started the paragraphs.
Alrighty, good job as far as breaking up the paragraphs. Though I'd advise against starting each one with the same word. Look back at this thread again and notice the variety of ways to start paragraphs. ;]
Okay, moving on!
Lets go back to your profile. This is the personality you have now:
FF8: He is very cocky and Arrogant in final fantasy eight. He also enjoys taunting his enemies greatly. This is seen with Zell and Squall mostly but mostly Zell as he always calls him chicken Wuss. He does have some good emotions though he is shown to like Rinoa early in the game. He is very powerful and knows a variety of magic and is good at melee combat also. He is very offensive.
KH2: Seifer's personality changes a little but not as much as his style of fighting. Seifer is now more Defensive than offensive. He has also forgotten all of his magic. He still holds his sword the same way he did back in final fantasy eight one arm extended out holding his weapon. Seifer is still Friends with Fujin and Raijin in Twilight Town.
First of all, personality is supposed to be 175 words at bare minimum - you have 136.
You shouldn't differentiate who Seifer was in FF and KH. He's the same person, just later in his life. (Later we'll get to your history and try to tie it all together.) That said, don't split things up with your 'FF8:' and 'KH2:' separating markers; describe who is now, referencing to his past if need be.
Also, try to describe his character, not his abilities and fighting style. All that goes under the Powers section.
Try rewriting his personality, and we'll see how you do.
I think when I was typing it I got the appearance word count jumbled into Personality by accident ogh well'
Personality- Seifer is very cocky, thinking he can do everything examples would be thinking he had the struggle tournament won in the simulated twilight town or how he thought he could thought he could take on Sora the first time he saw him or thinking he was the one who had to help Rinoa in Final fantasy eight. He also greatly enjoys taunting his foes. This is seen mostly when Sora or Roxas fought him he would call them names like "Loser". Also in Final Fantasy eight he almost made a sport out of taunting Zell by calling him "chicken wuss". Seifer is also loyal to his freinds Fu and Rai. He also gives people respect if they deserve it though this is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies Seifer personally gives him the struggle trophey he had won. He also seems to be loyal to his tow(Twilight town) by making a commitee meant to protect the town which is completely diffrent from final fantasy eight were he deserts his garden and joins Galbadia. So in short he is a bad sport in fighting can be loyal and respect others.
Seifer is very cocky, thinking he can do everything examples would be thinking he had the struggle tournament won in the simulated twilight town or how he thought he could thought he could take on Sora the first time he saw him or thinking he was the one who had to help Rinoa in Final fantasy eight. **
It is a huge run-on. Try breaking it up into logical sentences. EX:
Seifer is very cocky, and thinks he can do everything. One example would be when he thought he had won the Struggle Tournament in Twilight Town, or when he thought he could take on Sora the first time he met him. Once he also convinced himself it was he who had helped Rinoa, a woman from his past, rather than Squall.
**Note: don't reference the games anywhere. Imagine these characters as individuals, and the games they are from as their life story.
2. Try structuring the personality into logical paragraphs, each with a topic. To get you started, try making one paragraph about how conceited he is, another about his loyalty, and another about respect.
3. So in short he is a bad sport in fighting can be loyal and respect others.
If what you've written is clear, a summary of what you've just told us is unnecessary. ;]
Now try rewriting again!
Jan 25, 2011 23:12:14 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 25, 2011 23:14:38 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Personality- Seifer is very cocky teen male like, thinking he can do everything. Examples would be thinking he had the struggle tournament won in the simulated twilight town, or how he thought he could thought he could take on Sora the first time he saw him, or thinking he was the one who had to help Rinoa in back on his original world. He greatly enjoys taunting his foes. He prefers doing it mostly while he is fighting by calling his combatants "losers". He also enjoys taunting outside of battle like back on his original world how he always called Zell "chicken wuss".
Seifer is loyal to his freinds Fu and Rai. He gives people respect if they deserve it though this is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies Seifer personally gives him the struggle trophey he had won. He also seems to be loyal to his town(Twilight town) by making a commitee meant to protect the town. This is completely diffrent from how he was back at Balamb Garden were he deserts his garden and joins Galbadia's.
There we go added in some commas and periods took out any refrences to the game itself and made it seem like his history. I got rid of most of my "also's" because they seemed unneeded. I structured the paragraphs into his "bad" traits and his "good " traits. I also got rid of the summary.
Good structuring! However, I suggest a transition between the first and second paragraphs to give it fluidity. A simple "On the other hand," would suffice.
On the other hand, Seifer is loyal to his friends Fu and Rai.
You haven't fixed all of the run-ons here, either. Let me point out a few:
1. He gives people respect if they deserve it though this is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies Seifer personally gives him the struggle trophey he had won.
2. Examples would be thinking he had the struggle tournament won in the simulated twilight town, or how he thought he could thought he could take on Sora the first time he saw him, or thinking he was the one who had to help Rinoa in back on his original world.
Actually, that last one isn't actually considered a 'Run-on'. It's called 'stringy' (which is basically the same thing). A stringy sentence is one that has way too many sentences tied together with conjunctions. I'd suggest starting a new the sentence before the last 'or'. Perhaps,
"He also thought he was the one who had helped Rinoa back on his original world."
Also, please capitalize proper nouns like "Struggle Tournament" and "Twilight Town".
And one more thing - no 'like'! Though used commonly in speaking, this word should be avoided in text. It can be omitted entirely from your first sentence. In the sentence about Zell, I'd suggest rewording the 'like' to -
He also enjoys taunting outside of battle, such as back on his home world when he would always call Zell a "chicken wuss".'
Once you've fixed this up a bit, start thinking about an original character (or OC). The staff will want to see you practice RPing with your own character a bit before they allow you to reapply for Seifer. If you wish I can help you get started.
Jan 27, 2011 0:17:32 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 27, 2011 0:18:36 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Personality- Seifer is very cocky teen male like, thinking he can do everything. Examples would be thinking he had the Struggle Tournament won in the simulated Twilight Town, or how he thought he could thought he could take on Sora the first time he saw him. He also thought that he was the one who had to help Rinoa in back on his original world. He greatly enjoys taunting his foes. He prefers doing it mostly while he is fighting by calling his combatants "losers". He also enjoys taunting outside of battle like back on his original world how he always called Zell "chicken wuss".
On the other hand, Seifer is loyal to his freinds Fu and Rai. He gives people respect if they deserve it though this is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies Seifer personally gives him the struggle trophey he had won. He also seems to be loyal to his town(Twilight Town) by making a commitee meant to protect the town. This is completely diffrent from how he was back at Balamb Garden were he deserts his garden and joins Galbadia's.
fixed minor mistakes capitilization, long senteces. and sure I would love your help and thankyou for the lessons so far .
Hmm. The corrections were alright, but please go back and fix the other things I pointed out for his personality, such as your use of the world 'like'. You also haven't acknowledged the first run-on I mentioned.
He gives people respect if they deserve it though this is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies Seifer personally gives him the struggle trophey he had won.
You've joined these two sentences together:
He gives people respect if they deserve it.
This is seen after Sora defeats all the nobodies, when Seifer personally gives him the Struggle trophy he had won.
Here, before we move on to making your own OC, I'm going to give you a quick quiz.
Directions: Fix the following run-on sentences. You can use periods, commas, conjunctions (but, and, ect.), commas + conjunctions, or a semicolon.
1. The girls played with the jump ropes the boys played blitzball.
2. Ansem is Xehanort's heartless Xemnas is his nobody.
3. Sora wields a keyblade Leon wields a gunblade.
4. Roxas always was fond of Twilight Town Sora preferred Destiny Islands.
5. The boy's gummi ship broke down he needs to find a mechanic.
Yeah, sorry about that. XD I hate grammar too. Run-ons are one of the biggest problems on here, though. Looks good! For number 4, remember commas go before the conjunctions. (Before the 'but' in this case.)
Alright, now you can begin working on a new OC. You can either go straight to the Character Register and post the profile there when you're done, or if you like we can go through certain pieces of it on here before you submit your character.
Either way, when you're done, we can practice RPing a bit before you're good to go. :]
Take all the time you need!
Jan 28, 2011 10:46:30 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 28, 2011 10:46:53 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Okay! Renzo Ronso looks great content-wise. I'm going to list a few grammar rules in a checklist, and you go through your profile and find where you made the errors. Think of it as a scavenger hunt. ;]
1. Spaces before and after parenthesis. Not like(this)but like (this) and (this). 2. Spaces after periods. 3. Capitalized letters after periods. 4. Run-ons: two or more sentences joined together with no and/but/other conjunction.
(EX from your profile: After staying in Luca for a few days Renzo returned back to Mount Gagazet only to see most of his Ronso friends dead, who he figured out later from the few survivors, that Seymour Guado was the one who did this.
A make a new sentence to mention that Seymour Guado murdered his friends.)
5. Stringy sentences: sentences with too many but/and/other conjunctions. These are very common throughout your profile.
(EX with all conjunctions bolded: [At many times he may seem angry, depressed, or sad but in truth he always looks like that but he is most likely happy inside and when his face is happy he is most likely super happy.
6. 'Zanarkind' is spelled 'Zanarkand' 7. Repetition. Try replacing the same word used over and over again with something different.
(EX from your profile, repeated words bolded: Renzo scaled Gagazet to find Seymour. He battled many monsters on his way to Seymour. His journey was long and hard as he scaled the icy mountains trying to find Seymour but little did he know Yuna and her guardians already defeated Seymour.)
Sorry if I seem like an English teacher, but this is an advanced RPG site.
Feb 6, 2011 18:00:30 GMT -4
Last Edit: Feb 6, 2011 18:02:23 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Alrighty, he's accepted. However, please don't RP out of this thread until we've had a little bit more practice. ;]
Now here's what we're going to do. You start a opening RP post with Renzo in this thread, and we will RP together for a bit. (I'll use Nyra.) Nothing that happens here will have 'actually' taken place. I'll correct you as we go!