In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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((How do I put Renzo into my signature?)) Renzo walked along the side of the mountain. The grass was a light green in color. The air was cool with a slight bit of warmth. It was a typical Winter Evening. It reminded him of Mount Gagazet only smaller and more warm but he liked it. The sun was starting to rise over the mountains.
Ranzo smiled slightly but then returned to frowning. He took out his lance and took a few swings with it before returning it to his back.
Renzo sat down down and closed his eye's. He whent into deep thought. Memories of Spira and the world of Darkness starting popping into his brain. His eye's shot open and he stood up. He looked up at the top of the mountain. He slowly started to climb the mountain.
Renzo climbed until he reached an opening in the mountain. There was no grass in this area only dirt. He unlatched his lanced and threw it into the ground. He sat down again and started to go into deep thought again. This time the happier memories flowed intto his head; memories that included him trying Blitzball and his training up on Gagazet. A smile crept across his face.
Corrections: Try not to have every paragraph start the same. Also, your sentences seem choppy. Use a few conjunctions to join some together. Try not to repeat words! EX:
His eye's shot open and he stood up. He looked up at the top of the mountain. He slowly started to climb the mountain.
Can become: Renzo's eyes shot open. He stood up, looked up at the top of the mountain, and slowly started to climb it.
Run over and check your words as well. You spell Renzo's name wrong at one point, and 'whent' is simply 'went', 'eye's' is 'eyes', 'Winter Evening' isn't capitalized, ect.
- - -
Nyra's eyes widened as she approached a dirt area in the mountain she'd been traversing. It had become a bit of a hobby for her since she'd arrived here. Every morning she'd entertain herself by leaping up the cliff face, feeling the rush of air beneath her as she pounced from ledge to ledge. She was like a goat, or a bird. When her legs became weak she'd use her arms as well, and then she'd feel like a mountain lion.
But never had she seen a creature like the one before her. He was blue and tall, with a huge horn sprouting from between his eyes. She was a bit confused, for he wore clothes and seemed intelligent, yet looked for all the world like an animal.
"Excuse me -" she began, then cut herself off. Nyra had been about to say 'Er, what exactly are you?' but then figured that would be ruder than the situation required. She hastily corrected herself. "Who are you?"
Renzo slowly opened his eyes. He saw a human asking him who he is. "Renzo," he said quietly but slow. He slowly stands up and takes a good look at the girl. Renzo crossed his arms as he examined her. He put on a tiny smile but quickly got rid of it and sat back down.
Renzo scratched the back of his neck. He closed his eyes again. Images of heartless and darkness started popping up all over his head. He took a solemn breath. He started to calm and he opened his eyes. He shook his head. Why did he always think about this stuff. He turned to see if the girl was still standing there.
Corrections: You switched into present tense in the first paragraph. Your sentences in the second paragraph are still choppy, and you have three in a row that start with the same word! A common rule is to start sentences with as many different words as possible to avoid redundancy.
Also, a key part of an RPG post is to give something for another person to respond to. Go over your paragraph, fix things I've pointed out, and try adding something that Nyra could think about or reply to.
Renzo slowly opened his eyes. He saw a human asking him who he is. "Renzo," he said quietly but slow. He slowly stood up too take a good look at the girl. Renzo crossed his arms as he examined her. A tiny smile flew across his face but he quickly turned it back into a frown.
Renzo scratched the back of his neck. He closed his eyes again. Images of heartless and darkness started popping up all over his head. He took a solemn breath. He began to calm as he opened his eyes. His head shook at the thoughts from before. Why did he always think about this stuff. After twisting around his head a little he stood up. He turned to see the girl. While looking up and down at the girl he crossed his arms. "What is your name?" he asked in a quiet voice. His foot started tapping on the ground.
Oh. So he could speak. Nyra had almost made herself believe he couldn't. The man's - for she believed he was male - accent was foreign to her, but still they shared the language.
He asked for her name. "Mine? Nyra," she responded. She was dying to ask what race he belonged to. But due to her limited communication with other species she wasn't entirely certain if such a question would be considered rude. Brow furrowed, Nyra raked her mind in an attempt to find a question that wouldn't be considered discourteous to the stranger.
"So. . . what are you doing up here? Where are you from?" Suddenly, Nyra realized she had to choke back the amount of questions that were beginning to burst from her mouth. Where a moment before her mind had been bare, now it was in a turmoil as each thought multiplied and the amount of questions in her grew exponentially.
Renzo thought about the questions for a few seconds. [I\]What am I doing here, he thought. "To relax," he replied quietly to her first question. He then thought about her second question. "Spira," He said in a saddend voice.
Renzo stared at the ground. He had felt a flicker a saddness within him rembering his old home. "What are you doing here?" he asked in a response to the girl's previous questions. His face turned back up as he stared at the girl again. His arms uncrossed and he put them by his side.
Alrighty, sorry for the delay. I was at my grandparents for a bit.
Correction: Watch your tags! Always double check a post to make sure you didn't mess any up. The [/i] comes after the . Also, Proboards has a spell-check feature that you should probably take advantage of.
- - -
"I'm enjoying myself," Nyra responded, at odds with his rather depressed quietude. She demonstrated by leaping from where they stood to a rock ledge a few feet above them. She grabbed the stone with her fingertips and used her legs against the rock to propel herself up. Once her stomach was on the ledge she rolled a bit to get her legs over, then popped up into a standing position, panting. "C'mon, I can teach you. Jump against the wall over there," she pointed, "and use the momentum to grab onto the ledge."
She backed away from the edge, sure that his massive size would make it both easier to get up and more difficult for him to stay on. In a brief moment of consideration she hopped to a nearby ledge, just in case.
Feb 21, 2011 14:27:11 GMT -4
Last Edit: Feb 21, 2011 17:16:43 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Renzo quickly jumped up to the ledge were Nyra was, which wasn't hard seeing as how he used to do it back at Gagazet. He stood up tall and crossed his arms. His arm lifted up and he pointed one finger up to wards another clearing up on the mountain. "Home," He said in a slow quiet voice.
Renzo jumped from rock to rock until he finally reached the ledge. A smile once again grew on his face. He gestured the girl Nyra to follow. His foot tapped patiently while waiting creating a quiet but still noticeable Thump thump.
Feb 27, 2011 20:46:14 GMT -4
Last Edit: Feb 28, 2011 18:56:18 GMT -4 by Deleted
Before I give any corrections, please read over the post yourself and see if you can spot them without me. There are some obvious things that I've already pointed out. Previewing your posts before submitting them helps.
Okay! Now let's try a battle. I'm going to challenge you by requiring a minimum 250 word limit, as well as specifying the battle details.
Setting: streets of Agrabah Allies: Nyra Enemies: Three Neoshadows Situation: Nyra and Renzo arrived in Agrabah because they heard of the treasures in the Cave of Wonders. Barely after setting foot in the world, however, they're attacked.
You begin the 'thread', and I'll have Nyra join in.
Renzo slowly stepped of the gummi ship. He felt the blazing sand of Agrabah's sand on his feet. The sun was Glaring down on Renzo making a small bead of sweat appear on his forehead. He quickly wiped off the sweat and started moving down the streets of Agrabah. He was here hoping to find the elusive Cave of Wonders which heard held great treasure. His head quickly moved from left to right scouting the nearby buildings for any danger.
Renzo took a couple of more steps. He felt something wrong was about to happen. Unfortunately what he felt was right. In front of him A dark swirl appeared on the ground and three shadowy creature appeared from it. They had quick movements and almost looked human except they were full black, had no mouths, had antennas, had big single colored eyes, and were always hunched over. Renzo thought he had never seen these creatures before but then he remembered when Spira was devoured by the darkness these things were there.
Renzo Growled with anger to wards these creatures that had destroyed his world and home. He examined them carefully looking for any weakness. His arm slowly crept behind him as he grabbed his lance and held it in front of him to defend himself when the shadowy creatures attacked. He flashed his eyes back and forth between the three dark creatures. The creatures just stood there for a moment then the slowly crept forward. Renzo waited for one of them to attack.
Mar 13, 2011 19:22:06 GMT -4
Last Edit: Mar 13, 2011 19:25:03 GMT -4 by Deleted
(( Extremely sorry for the delay. That is a good post. :] ))
Agrabah was hot. Way too hot. Although, despite the temperature, Nyra couldn't bring herself to hate it. The low roofs and shop covers were more than enough to keep her occupied while they searched for the fabled Cave of Wonders. She'd been investigating a way to leap onto a set of particularly high stone roofs when she'd felt the familiar tingle of darkness on the back of her neck.
"Renzo, look out!" Nyra shouted from above. As soon as she spotted the Heartless she leaped down and raced after her companion, but was still too far away to be of much use.
One of the Neoshadows sprung into the air with outstretched talons of darkness. It slashed at Renzo before diving back, allowing its two companions to race in from the sides. The two darted back and forth, cold and calculating shadows that alternated lunging at Renzo and feinting slashes.
((sorry for my delays also did you want all my posts to be a minimum of 250 words also?))
Renzo raised his lance to block the black figure lunging at him. He had not noticed Nyra yet and was concentrated on the black beings attacking him. Sweat was coming from Renzo's forhead now at a faster rate, It was bad enough that Agrabah was burning hot but now he had to use energy to fight the black beings.
"Go away," Renzo roared keeping his lance in front of him blocking the black monstrosities. His head turned and he saw Nyra far away. "Nyra," He called out. As he said that he lowered his lance allowing the black monster that was attacking him to slash at him.
Renzo felt the creatures claws scratch through him. He looked down and Saw three scars on the side of his chest He readied himself for another attack from the monster.
Mar 24, 2011 22:04:14 GMT -4
Last Edit: Mar 24, 2011 22:05:27 GMT -4 by Deleted