In a cataclysm known as the Nightfall, the worlds were almost completely destroyed by a harrowing surge of darkness.
In the shadows of the ensuing chaos a new group has taken shape. Led by an Aegyl named Kalos, the 11th Hour touts an esoteric knowledge of how to combat the darkness and restore the worlds. They might be the worlds’ best chance at survival; but nobody really knows enough about them to confirm or deny their claims.
On the brink of collapse, the universe holds its breath in anticipation. Of restoration? Of destruction? It is up to individuals like yourself to decide.
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Alrighty, coolkid, since you've requested to have a session in the Academy, I'm here to help you hone in on parts needing fixing in your profile application (as well as other aspects of RP if you'd like).
To start off, let's take a look at the first paragraph of your roleplaying sample.
Seifer walked into the Sandlot with Fujin and Raijin. He let out a sigh and sat on one of the benches there. Fujin and Raijin sit beside him. Seifer puts his elbows on his legs and rests his chin in his hand. He looked around the Sandlot. Another boring day, he thought and sighed again. A random boy runs into the sandlot and just stands there. "What do you think he wants?", Seifer asked Raijin. "A fight ya know". Seifer stood up and took out his struggle bat. He walked over to the kid. "Kid you best be moving along or you got a fight coming", the random kid looked at him and took out a struggle bat. Seifer laughed ,"A fight it is then".
1. Posts are written in third person past tense. A few times you switch to present tense. An example of present tense is:
The young male races over to his friend and delivers a package.
This same sentence in past tense:
The young male raced over to his friend and delivered a package.
One example in your paragraph is 'Seifer puts' instead of 'Seifer put'.
2. In dialogue, a new paragraph is made for each person that speaks. For example:
"I'm hungry," the man said. His brother grinned and replied, "I know, me too!" "Then let's go out to eat!"
Becomes:
"I'm hungry, the man said.
His brother grinned and replied, "I know, me too!"
"Then let's go out to eat!"
3. This mistake is simple. Commas go within the quotation marks in speech. EX:
"Hello", she said.
Becomes:
"Hello," she said.
Keeping the above in mind, try rewriting the paragraph to be more gramatically correct. There are four other present-tense mistakes besides the example in #1.
When you've done that we can move on. We can also end the lesson whenever you'd like.
Jan 23, 2011 2:44:25 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 23, 2011 2:45:36 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Seifer walked into the Sandlot with Fujin and Raijin. He let out a deep sigh and sat on one of the benches there. Fujin and Raijin sat beside him. Seifer put his elbows on his legs and he rested his chin in his hand. He looked around the Sandlot bored. Another boring day, he thought and sighed again. A random boy runs into the sandlot and just stood there. "What do you think he wants?," Seifer asked Raijin. "A fight ya know," Raijin replied. Seifer stood up and took out his struggle bat. He walked over to the kid. "Kid you best be moving along or you got a fight coming," the random kid looked at him and took out his struggle bat. Seifer laughed, "A fight it is then".
Excellent! Much better. I'd just suggest (on this forum) putting two spaces between each paragraph instead of just pressing 'enter' once. Makes the paragraphs less squished together. ;] (Note - when really typing, you wouldn't put breaks between paragraphs, you'd just tab the start of each one. Forums don't do that, however, so we need a space between them.)
Another little thing: Periods go inside the quotation marks as well as commas, with only a few exceptions. EX:
"Diane," she said, "put the book down and go outside for a little while."
EXCEPTION: The buried treasure was marked on the map with a large "X".
Next two! -
Seifer got in his fighting pose. Fujin laughed ,"Goner". Raijin replied with ,"he's doomed ya know". The random kid lunged at Seifer. Seifer parried his attack and went for a swing. The random kid saw that coming and rolled out of the way and hit Seifer in the back with his struggle bat. "OW why you little", Seifer jumped up into the air and pounced at the kid. The kid blocked the move and Seifer swung at him again. The kid once again rolled out of the way and hit Seifer in the back. How is he beating me, Seifer thought he swung again this time he did make contact with the kid. "Ha", Seifer yelled. The kid looked back at him and started swinging like crazy. Seifer put up his struggle Bat and parried them all he counter attacked and hit the kid. The kid fell to the ground and ran out of the sandlot.
Seifer sat back down next to Fujin and Raijin. "Sure showed him ya know", Raijin yelled out. "Victory", Fujin said with a smile on her face. "Yeah I beat him good", Seifer said with smug smile on his face. Seifer stood up and stretched out his arms and looked up at the setting sun of Twilight Town. He walked around the sandlot and looked back at Fujin and Raijin. He made a hand motion for them to come. They got up and went over to Seifer. Seifer pointed to a poster that read "Struggle match next Tuesday two thousand munny Grand prize". "Enter", Fujin told Seifer. "I agree with Fujin ya know", Raijin blurted out. "I was going to sign up even if you didn't agree", Seifer said with a smile.
1. I suggest putting Seifer's thoughts in italics, so we can differentiate between normal text and his thinking.
Now go ahead an edit these two paragraphs, keeping everything that we've mentioned so far in mind. :]
The random kid lunged at Seifer. Seifer parried his attack and went for a swing. The random kid saw that coming and rolled out of the way and hit Seifer's back with his struggle bat.
"OW why you little," Seifer jumped up into the air and swung at the kid.
The kid blocked the move and Seifer swung at him once more. The kid once again rolled out of the way and hit Seifer's back. How is he beating me, Seifer thought he swung again this time he made contact with the kid.
"Ha," Seifer yelled.
The kid looked back at him and started swinging like crazy. Seifer put up his struggle Bat and parried them all; he counter attacked and hit the kid. The kid fell to the ground and ran out of the sandlot.
Seifer sat back down next to Fujin and Raijin.
"Sure showed him ya know," Raijin yelled out.
"Victory," Fujin said with a smile on her face.
"Yeah I beat him good," Seifer said with smug smile on his face.
Seifer stood up and stretched out his arms and looked up at the setting sun of Twilight Town. He walked around the sandlot and looked back at Fujin and Raijin. He made a hand motion for them to come. They got up and went over to Seifer. Seifer pointed to a poster that read "Struggle match next Tuesday two thousand munny Grand prize".
"Enter," Fujin told Seifer.
"I agree with Fujin ya know," Raijin blurted out.
"I was going to sign up even if you didn't agree," Seifer said with a smile.
Good! One last paragraph, and then we can hone in on other details.
For italics: [i]Place words you'd like to put in italics here.[/i] Also, when you make a post that isn't in the quick reply box, there is a button with an "I" on it. Clicking that will bring up the italic code as well. :]
The same random kid from before appeared behind Seifer. "If you're going to join then I guess I will", the kid blurted out. Seifer turned and said ,"didn't I already beat you before now scram". The random kid left in silence. "People", Seifer mumbled he went back to looking at the poster. "I'll win for sure if losers like that kid are sighing up", Seifer laughed and looked back at the sun. "It's getting dark let's head back to my place", Seifer exclaimed. Fujin gave a nod. "Yeah let's head back ya know", Raijin told them. With that Seifer and his gang left the sandlot till tomorrow.
The same random kid from before appeared behind Seifer. "If you're going to join then I guess I will," the kid blurted out.
Seifer turned and said, "didn't I already beat you before now scram."
The random kid left in silence.
"People," Seifer mumbled and he went back to looking at the poster. "I'll win for sure if losers like that kid are signing up," Seifer laughed and looked back at the sun. "It's getting dark let's head back to my place," Seifer exclaimed.
Fujin gave a nod.
"Yeah let's head back ya know," Raijin told them.
With that Seifer and his gang had left the sandlot untill tomorrow.
Remember that when roleplaying, you only get to control your own character. That's why this RP sample didn't display your ability to understand Seifer's thoughts and actions, because you also controlled Rai and Fujin, and pretty much just typed the conversation between them. Try writing the first bit of a new RP sample post, depicting only Seifer and his actions. Here, I'll give you a prompt:
Seifer just won the Struggle tournament. Try to depict his thoughts has he observes the screaming fans, the defeated Setzer, ect. Get inside his head, and imagine how he'd actually respond to things. One rule: use as little dialogue as possible!
You don't have to type the whole thing. Just attempt a few paragraphs, and we'll take a look. Here, try browsing this thread to get a general feel for how we roleplay.
Jan 23, 2011 20:17:50 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 23, 2011 20:18:12 GMT -4 by Zephiris
Seifer had just made his final blow and grabbed enough orbs needed to win. Seifer looked at the the crowd the was cheering him on and he had felt a smile crawl across his face. Seifer put down his struggle bat and walked over to the struggle promoter to receive his the prize the struggle trophy. Seifer lifted up the trophy to show the screaming crowd. He looked over at Setzer who had the look of disbelief on his face. That sight made Seifer more happy than the trophy did. He stepped of the struggle platform and talked to some of the screaming fans. Seifer sat down on the bench and looked up at the sky still with a smile. He was proud he had won the struggle tournament again. He decided that it was now time time to go home. He stood up and walked back to his place.
He opened the door to his room and placed the struggle trophy on and empty shelf. He laid back on his bed to stare at the ceiling. He took slow breaths for he was tired though he may not have shown it in front of his fans. he placed his hands under his head and closed his eyes.
Excellent job! :] You've improved greatly. Some tips -
1. Try not to begin sentences in a row with the same thing. EX:
Seifer had just made his final blow. Seifer looked at the crowd.
Can become
Seifer had just made his final blow. He looked at the crowd.
2. Avoid run-on sentences. EX:
Seifer put down his struggle bat and walked over to the struggle promoter to receive his the prize the struggle trophy.
Can become
Seifer put down his struggle bat and walked over to the struggle promoter to receive his the prize - the struggle trophy.
The hyphen (-) can also be a comma (,) ect.
3. Make new paragraphs when time passes by, and try creating transitions. EX:
He stepped off the struggle platform and talked to some of the screaming fans. Seifer sat down on the bench and looked up at the sky still with a smile.
A new paragraph can be made here since time passed between those two actions. And/or you can add a transition, like so -
He stepped off the struggle platform and talked to some of the screaming fans. When he had finished listening to their praise, Seifer sat down on the bench and looked up at the sky with a smile.
Or you can do this -
He stepped off the struggle platform and talked to some of the screaming fans.
Seifer sat down on the bench afterward and looked up at the sky with a smile.
There's a lot of leeway with writing. Try to find some logical places to break up a large chunk of text. (Key word - logical. Paragraphs are for a change of topic, so don't switch in the middle of one!)
You'll get the feel of it with practice. For now, just see if you can tweak your paragraph a little bit to make it better. Try rereading it slowly for little mistakes you may have missed, too. I'm a bit impulsive, I reread everything multiple times before I post it. XD
Jan 23, 2011 23:37:42 GMT -4
Last Edit: Jan 23, 2011 23:38:06 GMT -4 by Zephiris
We can also end the lesson whenever you'd like.